Cat Bathing As A Martial Art

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[SAMWolf]

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk -- dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away.

I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:

• Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

• Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

• Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.

• Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)

• Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

• Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

• Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with you foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.

But at least now he smells a lot better.

[Sungirl]

Huh? I didn't put anything into italics and I quoted nothing.

No Not you lizzy...uglybiker took some of my words and added and twisted on them. He knows what he did. You can't do that!! If your going to post someones words, use exact words!!

[uglybiker]

The only quote I cut-n-pasted came from RightOnline's post #74.

So I repeat my question: Uh...what?

[fnord]

But at least now he smells a lot better.

oddly enough, that makes the disfiguration worthwhile :-)

[pops88]

After enough pets, I learned to start baths early in life and do it frequently (once a week) so they get used to it. My 'baby' doesn't like baths but she'll tolerate them. I have an advantage- she has hardly any hair :)

[Sungirl]

OH!! I PUBLICLY APOLOGIZE! I thought you took my words from post #41--->You should NOT bathe cats..... And used them in your reply to me and RightOnLine in post # 86. SORRY! You threw me when you replied to me....thought you were using my words.

[fnord]

What is it about cats and power cords? I have one who will gnaw on mine ... computer, speaker, light cords. He even unplugs my alarm clock just exactly on the morning I absolutely need to be up early. How does he know?

[fnord]

:-(

[Rebelbase]

For all Cat Lovers

[rockfish59]

smells like a porta-potty!

that's bunk! it's the dogs that smell like old jungle socks! my 2 cats (a 20 lb norwegian forest cat, and the coolest tabby ever) are the best. i tried giving the 20 pounder a bath and it was like taking on a sumo wrestler with claws!! he is STRONG!! they don't smell, are loyal and affectionate, and they don't bark like idiots for hours on end like my neighbors dog.

[uglybiker]

I adressed it to you, too because the two of you seemed to be of like mind on the issue.

No problem. Apology accepted.

As for the skunk bit, it's based on an actual event. It came down to either bathe the cat (in tomato juice, no less) or make it stay outside for the next month while the smell wore off. The fun part was telling what was tomato juice and what was blood. It was a mean cat to begin with and wasn't too wild about getting a big can of red stuff poured over her.

[Ronin]

Of the three cats I have, the only one that causes a problem when a bath is required is Arthur. If he has been rolling is something disgusting -- and he DOES -- I stop at the vet and get a travel pill.

Poke one of those suckers down his throat and in 45 minutes he is nothing more than a blob of orange furry silly puddy.

[rockfish59]

honey, have you seen

the cat?

[homegroan]

very true. We start our pets early...the kitens we have LUV to be blow-dried!

[Feebeth]

and the worst part of it all is....Once you go through all of that trouble and pain bathing your cat...They lick themselves when you are done!

[oldvike]

bump

[HiTech RedNeck]

Cats have no handles

Ahem isn't that what collars are for? A nylon cloth collar, tied with a nylon lead to the tub faucet, hold the cat and keep it from climbing the tile walls. No need to fill tub, just use cups of lukewarm water and pour. Then towel the critter before releasing it from the collar.

[rockfish59]

i wonder if clinton ever gave 'socks' a bath!

[deadhead]

I gave a cat a bath once, there won't be a second time.

[cavtrooper21]

Sorta wandered into this one. It is an oldy but goody. thought you could use a grin. And besides, its a kitty post, and you know how I LOVE KITTIES.........

[putupon]

I HATE cats. I truly do.

So do I. Every time there has been a cat thread on FR, I go on a rant, generally getting a great numbers of Freepers really mad and they post ugly things about me.

But I found an easy way to clean a cat, so I will put it up as a peace offering to the cat lovers on this board.

First get a burlap sack. Squirt some Ivory soap in it. Put a rock at least twice the weight of the cat in it. Put the cat in it. Tie the sack closed. Throw the sack with rock, soap & cat in it in the nearest body of water that has a depth greater than the length of the sack.

Go home. No more dirty cat problem.