Classic Baseball Writing: "99 Reasons Why Baseball is Better Than Football"

The Heart of the Order (New York: Doubleday, 1990) | First published: January 1987 | Thomas Boswell

[A.J.Armitage]

I'd feel like quite a fool if I continued to root for, say, the Cubs

Oh stuff it.

[BluesDuke]

Enjoyed the rant exchange!

Which reminds me:

More football nicknames: The Purple People Eaters. The Steel Curtain. The New York Sack Exchange. The Fearsome Foursome. The Orange Crush. Gang Green.

Some more baseball nicknames:

The Gas House Gang. (The 1932-35 St. Louis Cardinals.)
Dem Bums. (Who else? The Brooklyn Dodgers.)
Club Met. (The mid-1980s New York Mets.)
El Birdos. (This was the nickname first baseman Orlando Cepeda bestowed upon his St. Louis Cardinals of 1967-68.)
The Big Red Machine. (The Cincinnati Reds of the early-to-mid 1970s.)
The Pittsburgh Lumber Company (Those teams of hard-hitting Pittsburgh Pirates of the 1970s).
The Go-Go Sox. (The 1959 White Sox, who won a pennant predominantly on slap hitting and speed on the bases and in the field).
The Baby Birds. (A young and slick-throwing Baltimore Orioles pitching staff of the early 1960s.)
The Hitless Wonders. (The 1906 World Series-winning Chicago White Sox.)
Harvey's Wallbangers. (The 1980-83 Milwaukee Brewers, renowned for a lineup dominated by home-run hitters like Gorman Thomas, Ben Oglivie, and Cecil Cooper and managed by former American League batting champion Harvey Kuenn. Unfortunately, Kuenn is a prosecutable obscenity in Cleveland - Indians fans to this day swear that the Tribe's trading of slugging outfielder Rocky Colavito to the Detroit Tigers for batting champion but aging quickly Harvey Kuenn brought the Indians out of pennant contention for keeps for just over three decades.)
The Buffalo Heads. (A group of particularly rebellious Boston Red Sox of the mid-1970s.)
The Whiz Kids. (The pennant-winning and awfully young Philadelphia Phillies of 1950. Ironically, the Phillie who was named the National League's Most Valuable Player that year was a 33-year-old relief pitcher named Jim Konstanty. He was, incidentally, the first relief pitcher ever named his league's Most Valuable Player.)
The Dalton Gang. (A group of party-hearty Phillies of the late 1950s.)
The Chairman of the Board. (Whitey Ford.)
Pops. (Willie Stargell.)
Stretch. (6'6" slugging outfielder-first baseman Willie McCovey.)
Cha-Cha. (Orlando Cepeda.)
Stan the Man Unusual. (Flaky relief ace Don Stanhouse; the name was a pun on Stan "The Man" Musial, of course!)
Oil Can Harry. (Weak-hitting 1960s shortstop Ray Oyler.)
Ding Dong. (Gary Bell, a pitcher for the Cleveland Indians and Boston Red Sox of the 1960s.)
King Kong. (Worn by two players: Charlie Keller, a hard-hitting Yankee of the 1940s; and, Dave Kingman, who hit monstrous distance home runs between 1971 and 1987, when he wasn't striking out with enough force to air condition the Sahara Desert. Kingman was also known as Sky King.)
Puddin' Head. (Willie Jones, third baseman for the 1950 Philadelphia Whiz Kids.)
The Reading Rifle. (Carl Furillo, the sure-armed Brooklyn Dodgers right fielder.)
Hoot. (Hall of Fame pitcher Bob Gibson.)
Slats. (Marty Marion, St. Louis Cardinals shortstop of the 1940s.)
Country. (Enos Slaughter, Marion's teammate.)
Sam Spade. (Elroy Face, the great Pittsburgh Pirates relief pitcher.)
The Bird. (Mark Fidrych, ill-fated Detroit Tigers pitching sensation of the mid-1970s.)
The Leaning Tower of Flatbush. (Gene Hermanski, a Brooklyn Dodgers outfielder of the early 1950s.)
Cakes. (Hall of Fame pitcher Jim Palmer, in honour of his passion for pancakes.)
The Doctor. (Dwight Gooden.)
Sweet Music. (Frank Viola, the ace pitcher of the Minnesota Twins' 1987 World Series champions.)
The Barber. (Sal Maglie, the high-and-tight pitching New York Giant of the 1950s.)
The Big Cat. (Johnny Mize, power-hitting first baseman for the St. Louis Cardinals, New York Giants, and New York Yankees.)
The Glider. (Ed Charles, the veteran third baseman on the 1969 Miracle Mets.)
Le Grande Orange. (Rusty Staub, so tagged by adoring fans when he played for the original Montreal Expos.)
The Express. (Nolan Ryan's fastball.)
Lord Charles. (Dwight Gooden's curve ball.)
Super Chief (New York Yankee pitcher Allie Reynolds, who happened to be part Indian.)
The Rajah. (Rogers Hornsby.)
The Ol' Perfesser. (Casey Stengel.)
The Splendid Splinter. (Ted Williams.)
Mudcat. (Jim Grant, 21-game winner for the pennant winning 1965 Minnesota Twins.)
The Crime Dog. (Fred McGriff, power hitting first baseman.)
The Count. (John Montefusco, pitcher of the 1970s-1980s.)
El Tiante. (Luis Tiant, idiosyncratically brilliant pitcher of the 1970s.)
The Deacon. (Cy Young Award-winning Pirates pitcher Vernon Law.)
Dr. Strangeglove. (Dick Stuart, power-hitting, error-prone Boston Red Sox first baseman of the early 1960s.)
Hondo. (Frank Howard, behemoth - as in, 6'8" - power-hitting outfielder-first baseman for the Los Angeles Dodgers and Washington Senators.)
Daddy Wags. (Leon Wagner, flaky power hitting outfielder for the San Francisco Giants, Los Angeles Angels, and Cleveland Indians of the 1960s.)
The Penguin. (Ron Cey, stumpy-legged, large-torsoed power hitting third baseman for the 1970s Los Angeles Dodgers.)

...just for openers...

[BluesDuke]

Arrowhead Stadium, where the KC Chiefs play, is a beautiful stadium!

If it's the stadium I am thinking of, its beauty is thanks solely to being designed as a near-identical companion to adjacent Royals Stadium. The sole flaw of Royals Stadium - artificial turf, for many years. (Haven't seen it in a long while, but I've heard they now play - drumroll please - on a legitimate grass-and-dirt field.)

[hawkeye101]

In football, you have names like Jerry Rice, Kurt Warner, and Reggie White.

In baseball, you have names like Jorge Posada, Magglio Ordonez, and Carlos Zombrano.

Is it any wonder Americans can relate more to football now than baseball?

[RussP]

If you continue to root for a loser, what does that make you?

[BluesDuke]

I didn't know Pat Buchanan was the de facto commissioner of the NFL.

[hawkeye101]

No, no. Mr. Buchanan has nothing to with the NFL. If he did, he would never let a team called the Browns in the league! :)

[A.J.Armitage]

If you continue to root for a loser, what does that make you?

Loyal.

[kailbo]

Read through the first thirty-two. Not one made any sense so I gave up on the rest. By the way, I'm more of a baseball fan.

[BluesDuke]

No, no. Mr. Buchanan has nothing to with the NFL. If he did, he would never let a team called the Browns in the league! :)

Actually, I pictured him more as the XFL type. The XFL, too, was about as subtle as a trainwreck. (Compared to the XFL, the NFL really is a properly-defined game.) But unlike the XFL, Mr. Buchanan was at least with the wherewithal to hijack an established if rickety league rather than establishing his own similarly futile enterprise.

[BluesDuke]

I read them - both when they were first published and while I was transcribing the piece for this thread. They still make eminent sense, even if some of the names and a couple of technicalities have changed since 1987. And I, too, believe baseball is better than football.

[BluesDuke]

It also makes you a kind of romantic at heart.

Now, a humble apology for leaving out these nicknames...

The White Rat. (Whitey Herzog.)
The Commerce Comet. (Mickey Mantle.)
Ol' Stubblebeard. (Burleigh Grimes.)
Dennis the Menace. (Dennis Eckersley.)
Goofy. (Lefty Gomez.)
Father Time. (Satchel Paige.)
The Cuban Cowboy. (Pedro Ramos, a key relief pitcher in the Yankees' 1964 pennant drive.)
The Mighty Mite. (Miller Huggins, who managed the Yankees to their first pennants.)
Lou'siana Lightnin'. (Ron Guidry.)
Ozark Ike. (Gus Zernial, power-hitting Philadelphia-Kansas City A's first baseman - and, as it happens, the man who helped arrange Joe DiMaggio's first meeting with Marilyn Monroe.)
The Peerless Leader. (Frank Chance - the third entry in the famed "Tinker to Evers to Chance")
The Fordham Flash. (Frankie Frisch, a hot infielder for the New York Giants and St. Louis Cardinals and later the manager of the Cardinals' famed Gas House Gang teams.)
The Big Bear. (Mike Garcia, part of the classic Cleveland Indians starting rotation of 1948-54 with Bob Feller, Bob Lemon and Early Wynn.)
The Brat. (Eddie Stanky.)
Poosh 'Em Up (Tony Lazzeri, infielder on the Yankees' famed "Murderer's Row" 1927 team.)
The Man of Steal. (Rickey Henderson.)
Pudge. (Hall of Fame catcher Carlton Fisk; since bestowed as well upon Texas Rangers catcher Ivan Rodriguez.)
Mex. (Keith Hernandez, who is part Mexican.)
The Whip. (Ewell Blackwell, submarine-style Cincinnati Reds pitcher of the 1940s-1950s - and, unfortunately, the losing pitcher in the game which featured the worst first-inning beating ever taken in baseball history, when in 1952 the Brooklyn Dodgers jumped the Cincinnati Reds for fifteen runs in the first; not only did the Dodgers bat around the order twice, but The Whip - after being sent to a very early shower - suffered the indignity of returning to the team hotel, watching the carnage on television, and then seeing the pitcher who relieved him walk into the hotel moments after he arrived!)
The Flying Dutchman. (Who else? Honus Wagner.)
Jolly Cholly. (Charlie Grimm, banjo-playing, prankish mananger.)

[MarkL]

If it's the stadium I am thinking of, its beauty is thanks solely to being designed as a near-identical companion to adjacent Royals Stadium. The sole flaw of Royals Stadium - artificial turf, for many years. (Haven't seen it in a long while, but I've heard they now play - drumroll please - on a legitimate grass-and-dirt field.)

Both Arrowhead and Kaufman (Royals) Stadiums have REAL grass!

Mark

[BluesDuke]

Both Arrowhead and Kaufman (Royals) Stadiums have REAL grass!

Then make that drumroll an Elvin Jones polyrhythm!