Well, D-fendr, I had almost finished answering this question when I somehow deleted it! Now I get to start over. It was getting to be rather long...I think I'll just sum it up by saying that if I had serious doubts about where I stood before God or were worried about losing my salvation if I sinned, it would absolutely destroy me. Having gone through that experience (of doubt) about 20 years ago, I remember all too well what it was like, and I do *not* know how I could deal with that again. It was horrible. I had no joy, I was depressed, I lost faith, I was afraid, I questioned the love of God, and I was totally focused on myself-----NOT a happy nor productive existence! I hope this answers your question.
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Pray for John Paul II
"…if I had serious doubts about where I stood before God or were worried about losing my salvation if I sinned, it would absolutely destroy me. Having gone through that experience (of doubt) about 20 years ago, I remember all too well what it was like, and I do *not* know how I could deal with that again. It was horrible. I had no joy, I was depressed, I lost faith, I was afraid, I questioned the love of God, and I was totally focused on myself-----NOT a happy nor productive existence! I hope this answers your question."What strikes me here is that when you were focused on the fear of losing it, you were totally focused on yourself -- "not a happy or productive existence!" as you put it.
I appreciate that answer because it infers that when you felt assurance again, you no longer totally focused on yourself. This, in my own experience is a good guide of spiritual condition: how much of our focus is on our well-being vs. that of others?
Do you see a bit of paradox there? Your experience was one I didn't expect or consider in asking the question.
For me, when I think or observe someone consumed, or focused, on their own personal assurance of eternal salvation, I observe one wrapped up in self and selfish reward – a near certain way to diminish in our conscious relationship with the divine. That is what has often turned me away from "believe and receive" preaching.
However, you've given an example of a flip side, and for that I'm very grateful - for your experience and for your relating it to me.
Thank you very much and best wishes…