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Focault's Irreverant Bio Nightmare!!!
The Focault Foundation | A heavily medicated Focault

Posted on 10/09/2001 2:57:23 PM PDT by Focault's Pendulum

Having taken some time off from Free Republic, earlier this afternoon, I decided as is my habit, to take a well deserved nap at my desk at work. I have this ability to sleep with my eyes open, holding seemingly important documents in my hand, giving the appearance of being deep in thought.

I had been hard at work all morning, lurking, posting replies, and generally basking in the glow of the companionship that is Free Republic. Unfortunately, my eyes could take no more, and blissfull, company paid naptime, beckoned. I directed my secretary to take messages no matter how important, as I would be deep in serious somnambulatic contemplation.

It was to be a troubled sleepy time. No sooner had my head tilted slightly, indicating that I was in fact, fast approaching R.E.M. sleep, did my subconscious thoughts of the morning rear their ugly heads.

Anthrax! Sarin! Smallpox! Chemical delivery systems!

A Bio Attack!!!

Then suddenly into my dreams the agents of mass destruction appeared before me.........

Alec Baldwin!......Rosie O'Donnel!...... Peter Jennings!..... Barbara Striesand!...... All, standing in front of me holding their resumes as we were suddenly transported, my desk and all,to a peace rally in Berkely CA. Some also came equipped with headshots, as if their very appearance in my dream didn't already shake me to the core. I was quivering as one does after great sex, with none of the benefits.

Each of them clamoring for my attention the way a petulant child cries for more ice cream when he's already had three bowls. "We don't need any more violence" Baldwin cried!!!..... "We need more understanding of the issues that makes them hate us!" Striesand chimed in. Rosie was mumbling and cursing, while attempting to release the trigger lock on her newly acquired pistol.....saying something to the effect that she wished she still had her KMart discount. Peter Jennings was unusually quiet as he had just found a mirror and was looking at his reflection, adoringly, and whispered I'm not a Canadian dropout....I'm not a Canadian dropout.

While not usually cowed by celebrity, I found myself clicking my heels together rapidly,in the insane thought that Shirley McClaine would pop by and she could channel me to Kansas! They would never be caught dead in Kansas, I mused.

By this time, Striesand was looking askew at Rosie and asked, "Rosie, where did you get a gun?" Rosie replied "At Sears, it's their own brand!" A Kenmore??!!? I thought somewhat incredulously.

Their clamoring, whining, and self righteous monosyllabic thoughts were reaching a fevered pitch, and I thought, I had better wake up soon, or my secretary would be calling 911 for, "a seizure in process" (and could you please expedite the ambulance please, he's frothing at the mouth....she's polite that way)

Each in their own way were thrusting their bios at me, full of acting and professional broadcast credits, as if to prove to me the absolute correctness of pacifistic behavior. Jennings waved his at me only slightly, as he was trying to avoid any breeze upsetting his hair before the evening broadcast.

Suddenly!!! Silence.....

I looked, as their faces changed from one of indignance, to the very same fear I had experienced, moments before. Behind me, I felt a prescence....a shadow growing.....their faces, now taking on the sickeningly pale appearance, each of them has every morning before sitting down at the makeup table for two hours.....in Striesand's case three...no make that three and a half.

What was it, I thought, that could shake the bravado of deeply entrenched liberal denizens and republican critics?

Suddenly, I heard my name called out in the gravelly voice of the late George C. Scott. "Focault.....Focault!" (Not my real name, mind you, I was dreaming in FR Time) "Turn around, Focault!"

Slowly, I turned away from my fear, and was met with a glorious light! As I peered through the light, I could make out, almost indiscernibly at first, two figures, standing side by side. As my eyes, no longer tired, adjusted to the white bluish glow...I could make out Ted Nugent, handsomely attired in Mountain Camos complete with archery gear...and no less than the larger than life figure of General George S. Patton, dressed as...no I must correct that...transformed into the American Eagle, replete with wings, sharp talons, and the somewhat hawkish beak of emulator, George C. Scott!!!!

I fell to my knees in abject humility, thanking the God I believe in, only when I'm in deep, deep, doo-doo, for the salvation I knew, would soon be mine.

With lightning speed....Patton whupped Baldwin up one side of his head and handed him a visa, with all the appropriate certifications, to France.

He then, just as deftly, undid Rosie's trigger lock, and proceeded to shoot her in the foot, commenting, "that shouldn't feel any different then what you do every weekday morning." To Barbara Striesand, he simply handed her a business card, and she promptly walked off, smiling.

He then quickly took Jennings by the hair, with his talons and flew off. I could hear in the distance Jennings whimpering, "But I don't want to go to Bamf!"

Ted and I were alone now, and as my fears abated, I felt a curiousity rise up from me and asked, "Wassaup with the Striesand thing?" Nugent replied "That was a business card from the foremost plastic surgeon in California. He guarantees his work will last as long as your ex-wife's fruitcake. No one will ever unwrap it...and they'll just keep passing it around!!"

Ted and I were walking towards the light, when I stopped and asked him, "Ted, what exactly are you doing here?" He gently caressed his bow and said, with a wink..."Just in case any of them decided to make a run for it!"


TOPICS: Miscellaneous; Political Humor/Cartoons
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To: one_particular_harbour
"...When times are bad, and things are at their worst, it takes a brave man to kick back and party..."

o-p-h, for my 50'th birthday, Mata-Sherry hired a Sign-Firm to place one of those big flashing signs in the front yard announcing my age.

I plugged it in!

For my 55'th, she lit all the candles, and the flames melted the smoke-detector off the ceiling.

I put the fire out with a chemical extinguisher, and everybody partied, covered with white dust.

For my 60'th, most of the FLA-Freepers showed-up, and I don't remember where they slept, or with who!

Some kind of Coyote or Fox craps in our back yard regularly, and our Copper-Spaniards roll in it, a possum finds my RG-6 Satellite cable tasty, an Armadillo dug its' home under the pool, and an alligator walks by once-a-week, going from pond-to-pond!

My life is full!!....FRegards

41 posted on 10/09/2001 5:18:05 PM PDT by gonzo
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To: one_particular_harbour; Registered; Doug from Upland; Howlin; Irma
"To: Sabertooth, Registered?! Doug from Upland?! Howlin?! Irma?!

I may be new, but not so green to realize that you've erred here, sir.

I am not worthy to be pinged in such company.

FReegrards...

42 posted on 10/09/2001 5:24:40 PM PDT by Sabertooth
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To: Focault's Pendulum, one_particular_harbour
By this time, Striesand was looking askew at Rosie and asked, "Rosie, where did you get a gun?" Rosie replied "At Sears, it's their own brand!" A Kenmore??!!? I thought somewhat incredulously.

BWAHAHAHAHA! Thanks for the flag, OPH! This is all just too funny, Focault's P. (I particularly loved the Peter Jennings references...heh heh)

Thanks for the flag, OPH. ;-)

43 posted on 10/09/2001 6:25:11 PM PDT by Irma
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To: Sabertooth
"To: Sabertooth, Registered?! Doug from Upland?! Howlin?! Irma?! I may be new, but not so green to realize that you've erred here, sir.

The pleasure is mine to be included in your company, I'm sure. ;-)




BTW, don't get too excited.....we're really the FR misfits...hahahaha!

44 posted on 10/09/2001 6:28:58 PM PDT by Irma
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To: one_particular_harbour
Notice that I thanked you twice....it was just THAT good! ;^)
45 posted on 10/09/2001 6:30:28 PM PDT by Irma
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To: Slip18
Hey, OPH, you missed me. What am I, chopped chicken liver?

If anyone calls you chicken liver send them my way for some taleonic revanche ;-)

Congrats on winning the shirt

46 posted on 10/09/2001 6:44:18 PM PDT by NeoCaveman
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To: Rockchalkkayhawk; Cool Guy; StoneCold GOP;
Fun article
47 posted on 10/09/2001 6:46:30 PM PDT by NeoCaveman
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To: one_particular_harbour
I'm still trying to get past the quivering part....
48 posted on 10/09/2001 8:35:21 PM PDT by CheneyChick
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Comment #49 Removed by Moderator

To: dubyaismypresident
?
50 posted on 10/09/2001 8:41:16 PM PDT by StoneColdGOP
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To: dubyaismypresident; Focault's Pendulum
ROTFLMAO!!! Thanks for the ping dubya.

They would never be caught dead in Kansas

Thank goodness for that!

51 posted on 10/09/2001 8:57:16 PM PDT by rockchalkjayhawk
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To: Focault's Pendulum; carlo3b; Iowa Hawk; Angelique; piasa
Foc, if you're not a writer by trade, you should be! This is hillarious.
52 posted on 10/09/2001 8:59:31 PM PDT by jellybean
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To: Focault's Pendulum
I want to work where you play , I mean, work...
53 posted on 10/09/2001 9:32:41 PM PDT by piasa
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To: CheneyChick
Ha ha ha! Weisenheimer.
54 posted on 10/09/2001 9:46:11 PM PDT by vikingchick
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To: Focault's Pendulum
Well done and exactly the first reason that "I LOVE FREEREPUBLIC".

I'm not worthy to be a FREEPER!

MKM

55 posted on 10/09/2001 9:57:58 PM PDT by mykdsmom
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To: Focault's Pendulum
Suddenly, I heard my name called out in the gravelly voice of the late George C. Scott. "Focault.....Focault!"

You sure he was calling your name?

Cause I can just imagine Geore (S. Patton) C. Scott, when he saw those pink limo lefties coming up over the ridge...

"F*** ALL of it! F*** ALL of it!"

Just nuke the whole flaming lot of them. Nuke the cowards to hell!"

56 posted on 10/09/2001 10:39:48 PM PDT by Sabertooth
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To: Focault's Pendulum
Dude...put down the pipe....and step away from the keyboard.

Carlos Castaneda would be proud.

57 posted on 10/09/2001 10:50:32 PM PDT by socal_parrot
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To: CheneyChick
I'm still trying to get past the quivering part.... perhaps we should hook up.....is that it's called, nowadays?
58 posted on 10/10/2001 2:32:19 AM PDT by Focault's Pendulum
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To: jellybean
Foc, if you're not a writer by trade, you should be! This is hillarious.

Thank you.

I'm a playwright, occasionally banned for being on target.

59 posted on 10/10/2001 5:39:25 AM PDT by Focault's Pendulum
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To: Focault's Pendulum
LOL What a great way to begin my freeping day.
60 posted on 10/10/2001 5:48:35 AM PDT by Ditter
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