Posted on 09/29/2001 6:47:22 AM PDT by Cagey
1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people--whether they are employed or not.
2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.
4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
7. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
8. Honest and hard-working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
9. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
10. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman, but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
11. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
12. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
13. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off--even while scuba diving.
14. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
15. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do.
16. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
17. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
18. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
19. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
20. Computer monitors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: "Enter Password Now."
21. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
22. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
23. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
24. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.
25. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
26. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.
Yeah, what's with that? I've done informal tests, and have yet to find a pillow I can't breathe through.
You've noticed that too, eh?
The only kind of "humor" they seem to actually enjoy is making fun of conservatives.
I spent several years on the talk.politics.guns discussion newsgroup, and one thing that always struck me was just how dour and grumpy the anti-gunners were. Meanwhile, the pro-gun people were constantly cracking jokes and being witty.
The first PC's (1979-ca. 1983)did beep--and it drove everyone crazy.
Also, geeks operating computers in the movies--breaking security codes, coming up with secret passwords, calculating the trajectory of an incoming ICBM--always pound furiously and noisily on the keyboard, never using the mouse.
At least that's what I always told my captain! LOL!
Just once I'd like to see the bad guy build a bomb mechanism consisting of nothing but 64 identical red wires.
Another bomb cliche: Upon discovering the bomb, the hero can phone a bomb expert, say "I see three wires on some sort of timer thingy", and the expert can then immediately recognize the bomb's design and talk the hero through the intricate disarming process.
Not since about the early 90's, anyway. :^)
Wow, that was lucky. ;^)
Corollary: In a movie which has "the homely/ordinary girl" competing against "the hot babe", the "homely/ordinary" girl will be fully 90% as attractive as the babe, and 500% better looking than the average woman on the street in real life (e.g. "The Truth About Cats and Dogs", "Head Over Heels", "Some Kind of Wonderful", etc. etc.)
Variation: The "just one of the guys" tomboy will be Playboy centerfold material, but her guy pals will never have really even thought of her as female before (e.g. "Miss Congeniality", etc.)
All alien races on Star Trek are perfectly identical to human beings in every respect, except their foreheads are f**ked up somehow.
All alien females have amazing breasts, even the lizards.
Since the law was passed in 1985 in Hollywood, all police captains, chiefs, etc. must be African-American.
Prior to that, the law required that they be Irish.
The Irish captain in the 1997 film "L. A. Confidential" is the exception that proves the rule, because it was set in the 1950's.
All computers make beeping noises that correspond with every keystroke seen on the monitor, even though if real computers actually did this, 99% of us would go bonkers after 5 minutes of that crap.
They can also project the contents of the screen display onto the people at the keyboard, so that you can actually see letters scroll across their faces (e.g. "Jurassic Park" and many others).
Or celery
Hey, wait a minute! Captain Kirk used to live on lines like those!
Poor William Shatner -- he has a bad rug, he's a major investor in Priceline.Com, and he did that dramatic reading of "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds."
Hasn't he suffered enough?
For that matter, haven't we? (wink)
Hate to bring reality into this, but it happens all the time in LA.
Ever see one land on a flag pole? Really gross.
Scotty: Cap'n, how mina times do ah haf to tell ya?
Windmills dunna werk in space!
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