Posted on 09/11/2001 4:48:01 AM PDT by Elkiejg
Because the socialist media insists on polling for propaganda purposes I've taken the time to survey Americans once again. With phone, paper and pencil, I randomly called 510,014 people last night. Without the Madison Avenue slickness of the socialist press' questions, I was able to obtain accurate results. These findings could shock the system of those who've always swallowed the swill the media has spoon-fed the populace. The politically correct will find about 80 percent of all black respondents to be radically conservative; the average Jew worse, yet; and other Americans to be off the charts. I provide this warning early so all PC God Squad members can avoid reading the truth. These statistics have been studied by scientists fearful of global warming and even by their bizarre methodology are 109 percent accurate.
1. Do you think the people producing ABC, NBC , CNN and CBS News know the Soviet Union collapsed?
A. I'm a Democrat, and they get the word on everything directly from Mother Earth -----15%
B. I haven't watched one of those propaganda presentation in more than ten years -----36%
C. If it plays during happy hour, I've never seen the shows -----34%
D. They know, but continue to work for the Politburo -----15%
2. When Maxine Waters gets worked up she looks like:
A. I'm a Democrat, and she's divine -----15%
B. A baboon in need of a large rock to scrape her ass against ----- 41%
C. A chimpanzee who had her banana stolen ----- 41%
D. Whoopie Goldberg's idiot half-brother ----- 3%
(With these shocking results to the Maxine Waters question, I started to act as a prejudiced politically correct liberal and drop this question. But, I'm not a functional idiot. I'm not like the liberal writer who attacked John Rocker and equates black people with monkeys. I don't think black people are inferior. I don't need, as liberals do, to have any people be inferior so I can feel good about myself pretending to treat them equally. I decided not to treat blacks as inferior as the politically correct do. Having previously and accurately defined Patrick Leahy as a stacked sack of s***, I wouldn't have hesitated comparing a simian with a red, white or yellow person. I believe Afro-Americans deserve equal treatment in all ways.
Whereas I recognize and praise Thomas Sowell as being the greatest political thinker of our time, I'll also recognize the worst of all races with equal vigor. If someone acts like a baboon I'll call them a baboon.)
3. Do you give a damn about the death of Katharine Graham?
A. Who the hell is she ----- 35%
B. I'm a Democrat, and she's a lesser deity ----- 15%
C. The lady who did the Florida vote count -----3%
D. You mean Howdy Doody's sidekick croaked -----19%
E. A damn shame the hag lasted this long -----14%
F. Are you talking about Barney Frank's father figure? -----3% G. Oh no! Not the father of the Graham cracker -----6%
H. I worry the fleas that infested her will move and reintroduce the bubonic plague -----5%
4. Does the bearded Al Gore look better than an overripe banana?
A. I'm a Democrat, and I'd vote for either of them -----14%
B. Even with the beard, he'll never be the man Gabby Hayes was -----80%
C. Yes, he does, and he's perfect for a flea collar commercial -----4%
D. Al who? -----2%
5. The media take on Gary Condit's involvement with Chandra Levy should be considered in what light?
A. She messed with a Democrat; what did you expect? -----81%
B. I'm a Democrat, and he did it for the children -----16%
C. Hell, I'm still waiting on the Chappaquettic murder coverage -----3%
6. If your average Democrat official sold secrets to China you would think:
A. He's a traitor ------54%
B. He's a Democrat, what did you expect ------ 29%
C. I'm a Democrat and slavery's okay in China, so he did it for world peace -----17%
7. Is Joyceyln "Hand Job" Elders suitable to write sex education manuals?
A. If her work on masturbation will keep little libs from breeding, heck yes -----82%
B. I'm a member of NAMBLA and she ranks with the gnome, Dr. Ruth -----14%
C. It depends on how the noted pseudo-environmentalist Meryl Streep testifies under oath -----4%
8. Can Patricia "I wish my name were Patrick" Ireland possibly be replaced as the head honcho of the National Organization of dysfunctional Womb-ans?
A. Only by certain guys called "Big Dick" or an unshaven Janet Reno ------ 6%
B. I'm a PC liberal, and she'll always be the one -----3%
C. I'm a Democrat and any liberal woman has the balls to do it -----8%
D. Who in God's name is Patricia "I wish my name were Patrick" Ireland -----79%
9. Do you think Eleanor Cliff, one of many media idiots, is capable of thought?
A. No -----80%
B. I'm a Democrat, and she's a real deep thinker -----14%
C. Her thought process is on the level of an afflicted guppy -----6%
10. Is there a reptile more scaley than Dick Gephart?
A. The Discovery Channel hasn't covered one yet -----12%
B. Possibly a sub-species of the James "Snakehead" Carville constrictor -----61%
C. There's nothing more scaley, but the N.Y. Times is perfect to wrap him in -----13%
D. I'm a Democrat, and he seems normal to me -----14%
11. Does the Fornicating Reverend Jesse Jackson deserves an IRS investigation?
A. Jesse's a brother, and an investigation would be racist ------3%
B. Jesse's a brother, but he's giving blacks a black eye -----3%
C. Jesse gave solace to Clinton in his hour of need. He's okay. Whatever he steals; he deserves -----9%
D. Jesse should make a porno film and pay the IRS -----80%
E. Jesse should minster to Joyceyln "Hand Job" Elders and forget the IRS ------ 5%
The Hispanic---whatever the hell a Hispanic is---question of the week
12. Is it real bright for illegal Mexican immigrants to have a free ride here?
A. I'm a Mexican-American, whose ancestors fought the Mexican dictators. Hell no! ------ 79%
B. I'm an Anglo-liberal, who promoted myself to being an honorary Mexican-American, and I'm making a great living off these people, so let'em all in -----6%
C. No entiendo -----10%
D. I voted for Loretta Sanchez, but now that she got me citizenship papers, I'm voting Republican. Please come back, Senor B-1 Bob -----5%
13. Should Tim Russert be hired to play the Pillsbury Dough-boy in the Broadway play?
A. No! I'm a Democrat, and he's our most effective Senator -----14%
B. He lacks sufficient spine to stand up and play a good Dough-boy -----29%
C. No, he's better twisting the news to protect rapists -----17%
D. Didn't he play Howdy Doody as a child -----40%
14. Should Al Sharpton be the Democrat Presidential nominee?
A. I'm a Democrat, and he's okay -----15%
B. Isn't he Twanna Brawley's big sister -----12%
C. Despite being responsible for the death of several people, "Alley Cat" Al still has too much morality to represent the party of perversion. Things like Jesse Jackson, Richard Ramirez, and Dick Durbin still have better qualifications -----38%
D. Not until he's an official member of NAMBLA -----15%
E. Not until he passes Joyceyln 'Hand-Job" Elders courses, Masturbation 101, Circle Jerk Fun 202, Finger-Play 303, Jack-Off 404, and Graduate course, Solitary and Self-love 669 -----20%
15. For any broadcast on national or world affairs I'd trust ______ over ABC, CNN, CBS, & NBC.
A. I'm a Democrat, and those broadcasters get word directly from the deity JFK -----14%
B. A cumquat has more insight and depth of knowledge -----4%
C. The town drunk -----4%
D. The family dog, guppy, cat, or duck -----4%
E. Any freshly interred corpse -----2%
F. The "N.Y. Times" or "Washington Post" -----0%
G. Name your favorite savant idiot -----2%
H. Answers B through G and virtually anything or anyone else -----68%
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