Posted on 09/09/2001 8:20:04 AM PDT by real saxophonist
Put your cat's intelligence to the test
Story By Mike Peters
(Editor's Note: This has been a very, very, very busy week, so the jerk that usually writes this drivel didn't get a new column finished. After we beat him unmercifully for about two days, he finally came up with the following rerun of on oldie but goodie. He'll be back with a new column next week, or else.)
Well, there I was, watching a Very Important Documentary on PBS entitled "Was Mr. Ed Really A Talking Horse, Or Was He Just Two Fat Guys in a Horse Suit?" and my wife was reading this doggie magazine, and said there was a dog test in it, and so she gave it to our new dog, who sometimes seems very smart, but most of the time she just appears to be confused.
Anyway, some of the questions were things like:
1. "Throw a wadded-up piece of paper to your dog. What does he do?"
2. "Does your dog realize when you're about to leave on a trip?" Well, our dogs, Daisy the Wonder Dog and Maggie the New Dog, passed with flying colors, both scoring "Above Average."
However, there were no questions about running around the house and bonking into doors, or if they sometimes get lost if you turn out the lights.
But, the Doggie Test got me to thinking that what we REALLY need around here is:
The Official Unauthorized Completely Unbiased Cat Test
1. If you and your cat get into a staring contest, who blinks first?
A. The cat does.
B. I do.
C. I do, because if I don't, my cat will bite me.
D. Cats are like snakes. They can't blink.
2. How obedient is your cat?
A. He promptly responds to my voice and follows my every command.
B. I promptly respond to his voice and I follow his every command.
C. An obedient cat? Hahahahahahahaha
D. I'm sorry. My cat won't let me give him orders.
3. If you wad up a piece of paper and throw it on the floor next to your cat, what does he do?
A. Plays with it.
B. Eats it.
C. Uses it to knock birds out of trees.
D. Picks it up and throws it back at me, putting out my eye.
4. If you introduce your cat to a new brand of cat food, what does he do?
A. Tests it at first, taking small bites. He will then continue to eat it, and let me know by purring whether he likes it or not.
B. Tests it by sniffing, sneaks over and exchanges it for the dog's food.
C. Throws it at me, putting out my eye.
D. Eats it quickly, then saves it for the best time, like when I'm eating dinner, and then throws up in my lap.
5. If you lie down to take a nap, your cat will:
A. Lie down beside me, curl up and go to sleep, quietly purring because of his deep love and affection for me.
B. Call his friends over and eat everything in the refrigerator.
C. Throw up fur balls in my shoes.
D. Try to smother me in my sleep.
6. When children come around, my cat:
A. Loves to play with them, chasing a piece of string and entertaining them.
B. Hides in the basement.
C. Locks them in the bathroom.
D. Tries to steal their food.
7. My cat sleeps:
A. 10 hours a day.
B. 16 hours a day.
C. 20 hours a day.
D. Is apparently dead, because the only time I see him move is when it's meal time.
8. My cat's favorite toy is:
A. A ball of yarn.
B. A toy mouse.
C. A live mouse.
D. Anything he can destroy, such as entire sofas, my shoes, walls, plants, car seats, bathrooms, shower curtains, expensive clothing and school buses.
9. When my cat wants to go outside, he:
A. Meows nicely and walks to the door.
B. Meows loudly and pounds on the door.
C. Calls me a dirty name and jumps on my lap with his claws extended.
D. Attacks me and tries to smother me in my sleep.
10. Special Feline Deprivation Reaction Test:
While your cat is eating his food, sneak in and quickly take the bowl away from him. How does he react? Will your medical insurance cover the hospital visit? Did the doctor give you any idea about how soon your skin will grow back on your face?
Note: There is no need to score this test, because your cat already believes he is the smartest creature in the universe, and if the score is low, he may hunt us down and kill us. Please don't give him our address.
The name Gnarly Trombone was taken from an 1871 Cincinnati newspaper that misread Horace Greeley's handwritten name of the Greeley Tribune. Mike Peters is a Tribune staff writer. He may be reached at peters@greeleytrib.com.
A. EAT me.
B. EAT me, starting at my toes and working it's way up.
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