Owner's Guide For Cats

inhis ^ | Unknown | Unknown

[SAMWolf]

Cats are beautiful, sophisticated, intelligent creatures. And with a little love and caring, they can keep a human being alive for upwards of seventy to eighty years. If you follow these simple instructions, you can have your human housetrained in no time.

CLEANLINESS: For some reasons, humans seem to enjoy immersing themselves in running water. Attempts to get humans to lick themselves clean have proven interesting, if unproductive.

COMMUNICATION: Humans are unable to speak a proper language. Therefore, you should communicate a point loudly, repeatedly, and if at all possible, at about three in the morning. Any attempts at human-to-cat communication can be dealt with by simply ignoring it until it stops.

FEEDING: Morning feeding should start promptly when your human is fast asleep, preferably three or four minutes before the alarm is supposed to go off. Recommended methods of waking your human include: sitting on its face, screaming in its ear, and biting its hair.

MATING: Human mating behavior is fascinating. Unfortunately, humans tend to get easily spooked by prolonged study of courtship rituals, and resort to shoe-throwing behavior.

TOILET TRAINING: A human's natural tendency is to not change your litter box. Although experts in human behavior believe it can be attributed to the "laziness reflex," this can be easily corrected through what is called "shoe therapy." Just remember that a human shoe looks a lot like a human toilet, and you should be fine.

Following these simple tips is the first step towards a long and productive cat/human relationship.

[SAMWolf]

Kitty Facts *Cats have 244 bones in their body--40 more than humans
*Cats have about 100 vocalization sounds--dogs only have 10
*If your cat snores or rolls over to expose its belly, it trusts you
*To drink a cat uses the underside of its tounge not the top
*Cats purr at the same rate as a diesel engine-26 cycles per second
*A cat can jump 5 times as it is tall
*Cats have 32 muscles in each ear & they can rotate 180 degrees
*A cats brain is more similar to humans than to dogs
*Cats respond better to women because of their high pitched voices
*Cats spend 30% of their life grooming
*Cats walk on their toes --- it is called "digitigrade"
*Cats respond more readily to names ending in an "ee" sound
*Cats urine glows under a blacklight
*Kittens can clock an amazing 31mph at full speed and cover about 3 times their body length per leap
*A cats memory can last up to 16 hrs, longer than orangutangs & monkeys

[Archie Bunker on steroids]

Although experts in human behavior believe it can be attributed to the "laziness reflex," this can be easily corrected through what is called "shoe therapy." Just remember that a human shoe looks a lot like a human toilet, and you should be fine.

I'd like to give some shoe therapy to some of the mangy cats around here. Maybe boot therapy is a better word.

[anniegetyourgun]

"A cats memory can last up to 16 hrs..."

No wonder mine still hates me when I get up in the morning.

[anniegetyourgun]

Cats urine glows under a blacklight

Interestingly enough, so does Hillary's face.

[SAMWolf]

*A cats memory can last up to 16 hrs, longer than orangutangs & monkeys

No wonder mine still hates me when I get up in the morning.

Yeah, but your monkey still loves you!

[Archie Bunker on steroids]

Cats urine glows under a blacklight Interestingly enough, so does Hillary's face.

You mean if I urinated on Hillary's face, it would glow under a blacklight?

[anniegetyourgun]

No, actually I meant that Hillary and cat urine have a lot in common - they both have a strong odor, leave a lasting stain, and bring on an overwhelming urge to bury them.

[anniegetyourgun]

By the way, I don't care what all the other people on FR are saying about you, I love your posts. Don't ever stop!

[dighton]

If your cat snores or rolls over to expose its belly, it trusts you.

"Every day for the last five years, I've rolled over, you've stroked my belly, I've nipped and clawed you. Trusting sort of person, ain'tcha?"

[SAMWolf]

Thanks! We can't let FR turn into an "All Doom & Gloom / Serious Stuff. All the Time" forum.

[I am still Casey]

Two kitty articles in as many days. I take it you really like cats! :)

But then I'm reading them, so that must say something too.

Cat communication: My kitty talks for a very long time each morning with her ratchet meow, apparently telling everything she either dreamed or did during the night. Maine Coons are notoriously vocal -- to the point of enough already -- yes, we heard you!

She was banished from the bedroom at night a long time ago because she just talks too much in addition to hogging the bed!

[LibKill]

You forgot one:

When you get big enough you can EAT your humans. They are quite tasty.

[LJLucido]

*Cats spend 30% of their life grooming

They spend 90% of their life sleeping. The math doesn't work.

[SAMWolf]

I have two cats. I also have two dogs. The cats are the kids, the dogs are mine.
I tend to be a dog person, the cats sort of grew on me over the years.

[dighton]

When you get big enough you can EAT your humans. They are quite tasty.

It's hard work, catching three Bengalis to make one square meal.

[timestax]

That's what I was gonna say.

[SAMWolf]

I've prefer dogs to cats, I don't hate cats, I just like dogs better.
My favorite animal is the Wolf, but I wouldn't want one as a pet, they belong in the wild. I guess I like dogs because they're as close to a wolf as you can get.

[supercat]

Just remember: a person doesn't 'own' his cat any more than a slave 'owns' his master. >:*3

[BunnySlippers]

*If your cat snores or rolls over to expose its belly, it trusts you

Is this true? Harley spends much time on his back (belly up) ... When I come home from work he runs to meet me. Then, "whomp", he flips onto his back. I comply and scratch his belly!