1 ELSIE 17:1-10
1 Now the Catholics gathered their armies together to battle, and were gathered at FreeRepublic, which belongs to Jim; they encamped EVERYWHERE, in Rome and all her outposts. 2 And them Prots and the men of Wittenberg were gathered together, and they encamped in the pages of FR, and drew up in battle array against the Catholics. 3 The Catholics stood on Rome's teachings on one side, and Prots stood on Biblical truth on the other side, with a great rift between them.
4 And a champion(?) went out from the camp of the Catholics, named Vlad, from The Land of Whining, whose height was probably similar to Lord Farquaad. 5 He had a Brown Scapula around his neck, and he was armed with all sorts of Sacrements, and the weight of the Sacrements was quite burdensome. 6 And he had bronze armor on his legs (to protect from Prot ankle biters) and a loop of beads between his fingers. 7 Now the beads were to remind him of many teachings, and his iron spearhead; though a bit rusty; was to prod the Prots with - if one of them ever DARED to get near - and Mother of Mercy went before him.
8 Then he stood and cried out to the armies of Luther, and said to them, “Why have you come out to line up for battle? Am I not a Catholic, and you the servants of just words on paper? Choose a man (or a woman named cow) for yourselves, and let him (spit!) come down to me. 9 If he is able to fight with me and kill me, then we will be your servants. But if I prevail against him and kill him, then you shall be our servants and serve us.” 10 And the Catholic said, “I defy the armies of LUTHER this day; give me a man, that we may fight together.”