BAN THE KNIFE
National Knife Association is killing people. We have no constitutional right to knives.
More people are injured by knives than all other weapons combined. (I cut my little finger just yesterday)
The vast majority of Knife injuries go unreported for fear of reprisal.
More knives are sold each year to people who should not own knives than firearms and tea cups combined are sold to mentally deranged individuals.
Ban the Knife. Demonstrations are being organized by the Hog from S.C.
And now it’s time for, “Ask David Hogg”! (Wurlitzer flourish, here)
Dear David,
I’ve noticed lately, that my kitchen knives are cutting me WITHOUT MY KNOWLEDGE! I’ll just be innocently brushing my teeth at bedtime, and notice a tiny cut on one of my fingers. Thinking back, I’ll recall using a knife to cut up onions, or some other food, while preparing supper, but will be unable to recall the knife cutting me, AT ALL! I’m beginning to suspect a conspiracy, as this has happened more than once, and with DIFFERENT KNIVES! (Cue menacing music, here).
We’ve already done as you suggested, and rid the house of firearms, but I don’t think I’m strong enough to get rid of our knives! How will I make beenie weenies, or more importantly, how will I get that da*~ned plastic wrap off that head of lettuce!?? Should we just chuck it all, and eat baby food, instead? Please advise! I’m due to make an omelette in a few hours, and I’m terrified!