Stop Feministsplaining Sex to Men

There's a word that has become popular in feminist circles these days: "mansplaining." The word is a mashup of "man" and "explaining" and refers to men who condescendingly explain the facts of life to women. So, for example, if a man believes a woman doesn't understand directions and slowly repeats those directions to a woman, he's mansplaining and, therefore, guilty of cruelty and stupidity.

The #MeToo movement has been good for America. It's good that women who have been sexually assaulted and abused are coming forward; it's good that we're finally having conversations about the nature of consent and the problems with a casual hookup culture that obfuscates sexual responsibility. But the #MeToo movement hasn't stopped there. Men are now being pilloried for the sin of taking women too literally -- of not reading women's minds.

Take, for example, "Grace," an anonymous woman who went on a rotten date with comedian Aziz Ansari. According to Grace, Ansari treated her abominably: He took her to dinner, gave her white wine instead of red, pushed her to come to his apartment and then engaged in a vigorous round of sexual activities to which she apparently consented. She eventually said no -- and when she did, he stopped. Later, she suggested that Ansari hadn't obeyed her "non-verbal cues" -- nonverbal cues that reportedly included undressing and then voluntarily servicing Ansari.

In the aftermath, Grace felt used. So she texted Ansari, explaining to him that she felt terrible about the date. "I want to make sure you're aware so maybe the next girl doesn't have to cry on the ride home," she said.

This is feministsplaining sex. Here's the problem: The condescension isn't earned. From Grace's story, it seems she was less than clear in her nonverbal communications but she wanted Ansari to read her mind -- and that when he didn't, she therefore had leeway to lecture him about his sins and, more broadly, those of all men.

It's not just Grace. Rachel Thompson of Mashable explained: "The responses to the woman's story are peppered with the word 'should.' She should have said no ... For many women, uttering an explicit 'no' is not as easy or straightforward as you might think." Well, as it turns out, reading minds is not quite as easy or straightforward as feminists might think. It was feminists who boiled down sexual relations to the issue of consent. Traditionalists always argued that physical intimacy and emotional intimacy ought to be linked. But they were accused of removing female agency with such linkage and condemned for "mansplaining."

How about this: no feministsplaining and no mansplaining when it comes to sex? How about we instead focus on communication between men and women? How about sexual partners demand more from one another than physical release so they aren't disappointed that they're being treated as sex objects? A system prizing love and commitment doesn't require nearly the amount of explanation as a system that dispenses with both.

Allow me to elaborate upon my comment.

Apparently the woman’s complaint was that Ansari did not read her “non-verbal cues” and forced her to explicitly say what she wanted and did not want.

Soon, this will be classified as a form of sexual assault also.

As heterosexual guys know from experience, many women apparently think that it is against the rules for them to tell men what they want. If she wants red wine instead of white, he should know. If he’s using a technique she doesn’t like or does not use one she does, he should know. If he is doing something she might like, but is not doing it the way she likes, he should know.

If she wants to do something, he should know. If she does not want to do something, he should know. If she is forced to tell him one way or the other because he cannot read her “non-verbal cues,” he is a dreadful fellow, possibly even a rapist.

And if the guy does not know, she damned well isn’t going to tell him! She will cry to her female friends and relatives about it later, though.

It’s hard to say what really happened, but my concern is how this standard of non-verbal cues will be applied to other men. Guaranteed the application will be vague and selective. The fact is, men who wait around for women to tell them what to do are going to be left out. Only the aggressive men remain.

I am older now, so the rules may be different. Women my age don’t have time for games and do indeed make it clear what they want and don’t want. But if I were a young man, I would hire an attorney to approach a young woman on my behalf with instructions to negotiate what explicitly will happen and what is expected.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aog_zGmWbFI

Or...

“...among men of about 15 to 30 years old, ever-increasing numbers are checking out of society altogether, giving up on women, sex and relationships and retreating into pornography, sexual fetishes, chemical addictions, video games and, in some cases, boorish lad culture, all of which insulate them from a hostile, debilitating social environment created, some argue, by the modern feminist movement.” - Milo Yiannopoulos

“...A world without media gatekeepers is a world where exposing a sensational story trumps all other considerations. The truth, of course, is important; it is not an all-purpose defense of publishing anything and everything. There’s not much to the Grace story, if you haven’t already heard about it. ‘Grace,’ a Brooklyn woman above the legal age of consent, went on a dinner date with the comedian.
He brought her back to his apartment and attempted, clumsily, various sex acts with her. She did not enjoy these attempts, and it is unclear, from her side of the story, whether she effectively communicated her lack of pleasure. When all ended inconclusively, she went home in an Uber (a fitting end to a post-Millennial tale). She told a few friends, who, eventually, connected her to the website Babe. The website reported her allegations as ‘sexual assault.’

...be wary of granting anonymity to a source. ‘Grace’...would not talk without such a cloak. Yet she has not reported sexual assault to the police. It is not clear, then, why she should be granted reprieve from the public scrutiny that Ansari is now getting for his poor sexual decisions. On all three counts, the Babe story fails: It depends entirely on a single anonymous person’s tale. As all reporters learn: Sometimes a story is really interesting. But that doesn’t make it a reportable story.”
http://www.nationalreview.com/article/455568/aziz-ansari-babe-story-journalism-fails-clickbait-wins

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