“Tonight I bring you one of the saddest stories I’ve ever had to cover. Apparently every other newsman in this country has been having tons of sex on the job. From molestations to unwanted advances, our lustful broadcasting has spread testosterone laden DNA across studios from sea to shining sea.
“And I never knew this was even going on. I have tried but it seems I can’t even harass any interns or coworkers. I don’t know what I am doing. I must be saying it wrong. I even tried in Spanish with the cleaning lady and failed at that as well. I am actually offering myself up to any female viewers of this program. Call or text the number on the screen below. Data charges may apply, but I will pay you back, I promise.”