I’m afraid to read the bible. My past has made it quite unlikely that I shall end up in the right place when I pass.
Then by all means you must read the Bible, because Christ sets the prisoners of guilt free! Belief in Him and acceptance of His grace-filled gift of Salvation washes your sins away in His eyes. It does not absolve you from consequences, and the key is repentance, which you just demonstrated in your post. So read and rejoice! You are a beloved child of God, and He wants no one to perish, but to have eternal life!