Epic ! I want the movie rights!! This had me ROFL, gasping in delight at the deadpan delivery. Widowed and cruelly defrauded Sea Monkey heiress forced to live in poverty—as a prepper, no less!—in her mansion! Thread of the day! Thanks for posting.
From the story:
“At times he seemed uninterested, not so much in Sea Monkeys, but maybe in the law in general, or just in the wanton quotidian reality into which we are all born....”
According to Wikipedia, the original “Sea-Monkey” kits involved an initial “water purification” packets that actually had some eggs in them. Then when additional eggs were added 24 hours later, hatchlings were seen right away. In the test of the Big Time version described here it sounds like something was missing in the kit.