Estrangement

A friend was visiting that I only see on occasion. After talking about our common interests, he told me he was currently splitting his time between where he lived and where he grew up. That was because his 90-year-old father needed to have a family member nearby. After commending him for doing the right thing in taking care of his aging parent, I asked whether he had any siblings who could help. He stated he had one who was no longer in communication with him or his father. His answer as to why was because his father and the sibling had a fight five years ago. Shocked by the statement I inquired of him "You mean to tell me your sibling got so upset with an 85-year-old man that they no longer communicate?"

Estranged relatives have destroyed me for a while now. Along with parents divorcing, family members refusing to interact with their parents, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles or cousins just drives me crazy. We have enough problems with broken families and families that never fully formed. We have shrinking families due to fewer children per family already. What we do not need are family members deserting each other due to perceived grievances.

Family estrangement is the physical and/or emotional distancing between at least two family members in an arrangement which is usually considered unsatisfactory by at least one involved party. We can all think of situations where separating from your family is justified. For example, if your mother killed your father. But how frequently do things like that happen? Most of the time when you hear someoneâ€™s story about why they no longer speak to a family member, you just shake your head with wonderment about how things disintegrated to the point of abandoning any communication.

Just about everyone experiences feelings of despair from dealing with some family members. There were many times when my mother was alive I wanted to strangle her. There were times when I just could not speak with her for days. But cutting her off was never an option.

My son and I fight like - a father and son. He wants to assert his individuality and I want to help him from stepping into a pile of dung that he can easily avoid. Though he solicits both my wife's and my advice often, sometimes matters degenerate into a battle. Once when he was in college he cut off communication for a couple days (which with my son and me is an eternity.)

When we spoke I made clear to him that he could yell at me or call me foul names. But one option he could never do was go silent. Since that time he has never pondered that path again.

It is often stated that the worst thing that could happen to a parent is for them to outlive a child. Then the second worst thing is for the child to become estranged. Whenever I hear these stories I focus on two things. First, what could have possibly transpired that would cause a child or a parent to cut off communication from each other? Second, what pain the parent must be going through because in a way their child has died.

I personally have not experienced the challenges of a mother-daughter relationship, but I am well aware of the challenges of such especially during the teenage years. A relative once told me prior to my own daughter becoming a teenager that once a daughter reaches the age of 13, she goes to another planet and returns as a human being five or six years later. Mothers and daughters can fight over a bevy of things that males don't even begin to comprehend. None of that justifies excommunication.

My wife often spoke of how her mother tortured her in her teenage years and even into her twenties. She and her two sisters often started a call by saying "Guess what your mother did now." But when her mother grew older my wife called her every day and spoke to her about many things. She still complained at times of the 'crazy' things her mother said. But once her mother passed on she missed those daily talks and still does nearly two years later.

We all know of someone who is estranged from a family member. You might be yourself. Take this holiday season to end this needless destruction. If you have not spoken to someone close to you, just pick up the phone and say "Hi." It will not be as painful as you might think. If you have a close friend estranged from a family member, offer to drive them to rekindle the relationship. If you really care for your friend, even jump on a plane with them and go break the fruitless stalemate.

You only have so many relatives. You only have one mother or father. Short of some grievous crime, the parting of the ways really is just a matter of false pride. Make this the holiday season you end this sadness. Listen to this advice and you will thank me for a long time. More importantly, you will be a much happier person and so will I.

I disagree.

Shortly after my father passed away, while my mother was in rehab following heart surgery, my sister got her hands on my mothers checkbook and credit cards.

Over about a year, she forged about $30K worth of checks, charged about $10K on her charge cards, and electronically transferred another $6K into her own charge card accounts.

She enlisted the help of her three oldest children, each of which signed and cashed forged $1000 “Merry X-Mas” checks.

The district attorney was ready to press charges, until they started calling my mother, begging her not to send them to prison. Mom dropped the charges, though they never paid her back the money they stole.

They occasionally call her, trying to manipulate her into changing her will.

Some families are better off without some of their toxic members.

I guess you could say that my family and I are estranged, but it's probably from pure inertia than anything else. When growing up, my four brothers and I had really nothing in common, other than our bloodline, and I was pretty much a loner even then. My idea of an ideal day was fishing on the river by myself, or climbing the tallest tree in the neighborhood with a book and my transistor radio to listen to music or the Tigers (in the Norm Cash/Al Kaline era).

I don't have anything against seeing my brothers (who live in four different states) or my parents (who are divorced and living in different states as well). My father and his new wife have stopped and visited a couple of times while they were passing through, and I saw one of my brothers and my mother when I last went home to Michigan 10 years or so ago. Prior to that, I hadn't been "home" in over 20 years.

I don't believe that I'm missing anything by not having any contact, nor do I think that I would gain anything by having such contact. I have my wife (and, through her, contact with her three grown children) and that's all that I need for family. I have a job that I enjoy where I don't have to really have anything contact with other people while working. My wife and I go fishing together, we read, she rides the cart while I golf ... I am happy and content; what more can I ask for?

I have been fully extruded by the ex and my oldest child. The oldest is nasty and spiteful since jr. high and I am the target. The children want to be with each other. They need each other. They need family.

There is no meeting of all the children on my turf, because the oldest does not permit it. They can only meet as a family at her house or the father’s. She holds the power So I will never have another family experience. The times in the past ten years that there have been celebrations at my house have been artifacts for her convenience or for appearances. Her shower or her birthmother’s visit, where I would be needed or convenient.

There is no real fighting this situation. The collusion and manipulation are profound and the children are trapped. I saw what happened when one child fought it, he was also extruded and ignored. It was so hard, he wanted me but he also wanted family.

The other children need family more than they need me. I am old and will most likely die in the next 10 to 20 years. They need to stay connected to each other. The only way this will happen is if none of them are seen to have alliances with me, they can visit individually, but no groups.

So,I will never intrude upon the four-child dynamic again. It is more important for the four children to stay connected than it ever would be for me to fight the situation. I would never win. So I will embrace the extrusion and never expect or initiate anything that could be seen as a place of power-wrangling. This is better than tearing things apart demanding my needs be met.

I have begun to fill my life with other people so I will keep my neediness for family (which actually had been a theme in my life- one with which I didnâ€™t succeed, obviously) at bay. I will, from now on when dealing with my children, agree with whatever anyone wants and admiring all options while tactfully backing away. I will fight no more.

A young friend is moving back into the area and wants me to be involved with her family and young children. They will never be grandchildren, but they can be loved.

I agree with you as well. There is a lot of dysfunction in my family on both sides of my marriage. My mental health (and that of my wife) improved greatly when we decided that we no longer had an obligation to tolerate insufferable and misery-inducing relatives.

That said, there are parts of my family that we are still very close to and we treasure that. But over time, we stopped going to "obligatory" family gatherings that almost aways ended in hard feelings and ruined holidays. It also helped greatly that my company offered me a promotion that involved relocating to another part of the country. Now we have the luxury of being hundreds of miles away and when we do visit the old area, we visit family members that we get along well with (and they also come to visit us).

I don't think it's "sad" at all that we don't associate with certain members of the family. Life is too short to allow others to make one miserable. That's not to say that we have any hatred for them or that we would refuse to take their phone calls or letters. We just happily keep our distance and live our own lives while they live theirs.

A lot of the discontent revolved around class and politics. Much of my family are die-hard Democrats who believe in welfare for all and that the "rich" should be heavily taxed to provide for it. Now that my wife and I are considered "rich", obviously it is us that they speak of and they resent the lifestyle we have been able to provide for ourselves and our children through hard work and responsible behavior.

I still remember Thanksgiving 2000, the year that Al Gore refused to concede Florida and contested the results. What a Thanksgiving blowout that was. I was hosting Thanksgiving dinner (as I always do) and I had to throw a certain relative out of my house because she continued to insult my wife and I for not agreeing with her that Bush stole the election and that Gore should rightfully be president. She threw out some rather hateful remarks that can never be taken back.

Good riddance to her, I haven't spoken to her since. But I hear that she is still on government assistance and miserable as ever, not to mention being over 200 pounds overweight and having to go grocery shopping in a wheelchair due to her obesity. Maybe Michael Moore can help her out.

WOW-

are you my lost relative?
LOL
my family is the same way - lot’s of Dimms
total brain-dead- (they get their Snews from the union)

BUT- I hold my tongue and say merry Christmas- and move on- it is but 1 day a year (and believe me - they personally try to pick a fight!) I walk away to their snickers and guffaws- I REFUSE TO ENGAGE- they are not Christian- not even pretenders. So I keep it low key
and believe me ——I GET A LOT OF PRAYER “momments”
in when they do visit——guess what?- one of the biggest libs changed- more dramatically than I could
believe- they moved away— realizing the family was
corrupting their life! amazing healing of prayer

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