Yes on all counts!
I didn’t have contact for about 5 years, and then after that it was very limited. And under my control so I could leave at any time. My sister never went that far, but was ‘busy’ a lot. She was a neurologist and was going to specialize in psychiatry at first. Wonder why? ;)
Our other sister, the middle child, could do no wrong. And we couldn’t do anything right, although it was obvious that our career choices were a bit more successful financially and opportunity-wise and our family choices were more moral and stable. But we never tried to be ‘mini-moms’ and that was all that mattered. Our middle sister did a lit of mom’s dirty work - telling on us, making nasty comments on mom’s behalf so she could keep playing her role of the perfect mother. Middle sister did this until she died, so she never got to individuate and be her own person. I had hoped one day counseling could help her, especially when mom died and she felt lost without being controlled. But events didn’t turn out that way.
I wasn’t even told she was in hospice until after she died, even though she called me when she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I KNOW it was because they (mom and her co-conspirator husband) were mad I wasn’t the one that died. Even though that sounds sad to say, it’s actually extremely freeing. Any bond I thought I might have had is now severed.
Thanks for asking. Just interested or are you a mental health professional?
No, not a mental health professional, but I’m very interested in this disorder because of a friend’s situation with her narcissistic husband of 35 years and I’ve researched it.
Over the years she would tell me things that he’d said or done and many times I would think, “what’s the big deal?” But the episodes began piling up and I began really taking note.
There are some very good Youtube videos by people dealing with this and it’s by their anecdotes and some of them even record phone conversations with the narcissist that my eyes have been opened. I’m still learning.
The list of classic narcissist symptoms listed at the start of this thread, to me, are useless. They are too vague and clinical; they don’t give the real situation. For example:
1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
2. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3. Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
4. Requires excessive admiration
None of the above clinical symptoms express the gaslighting, triangulating, manipulating and lying that goes on in the home with one of these people. And I think it’s a disservice to people who have lived with/been raised by one of these people, many of whom go through their whole lives without realizing why they are so screwed up. They think something’s wrong with them, that they’re defective and it’s the parent/husband, etc.!
My friend has taken almost 30 years to figure it out and get out of there. Some people never do. It’s great to hear that you and your sister escaped. But the perfect example, as you said, is your other sister. She died never knowing how she was manipulated and deceived and brainwashed.