No, not a mental health professional, but I’m very interested in this disorder because of a friend’s situation with her narcissistic husband of 35 years and I’ve researched it.
Over the years she would tell me things that he’d said or done and many times I would think, “what’s the big deal?” But the episodes began piling up and I began really taking note.
There are some very good Youtube videos by people dealing with this and it’s by their anecdotes and some of them even record phone conversations with the narcissist that my eyes have been opened. I’m still learning.
The list of classic narcissist symptoms listed at the start of this thread, to me, are useless. They are too vague and clinical; they don’t give the real situation. For example:
1. Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)
2. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3. Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)
4. Requires excessive admiration
None of the above clinical symptoms express the gaslighting, triangulating, manipulating and lying that goes on in the home with one of these people. And I think it’s a disservice to people who have lived with/been raised by one of these people, many of whom go through their whole lives without realizing why they are so screwed up. They think something’s wrong with them, that they’re defective and it’s the parent/husband, etc.!
My friend has taken almost 30 years to figure it out and get out of there. Some people never do. It’s great to hear that you and your sister escaped. But the perfect example, as you said, is your other sister. She died never knowing how she was manipulated and deceived and brainwashed.
You’ve hit the nail on the head - trying to tell someone about the narcissist is difficult, especially if one is embroiled in it and can’t explain it in perspective. Each event sounds innocuous so others think it’s nothing. it’s hard to get feedback validating your feelings and at home the narcissist puts down those feelings and makes you think you’re the crazy one.
That’s why it took me 40 years to figure it out! I was the youngest and didn’t stand a chance- in was blamed for the family dysfunction when less than 5, and it got worse from there. When I was a teenager, my ‘good’ sister who was 10 years older got me “I didn’t promise you a rose garden” about a girl in a mental facility! They triangulated against me, as you mentioned is done.
I’m glad you were and to help your friend-having you validate her feelings and observations probably saved her!