Understand that the opposite of love is not hate, but apathy.
Having been through divorce, I can say that it is not something that I advocate.
I advise that you move on. It is OK to still care about your former spouse, and wish her well. But, whatever you had has been broken and you will have to start new. I tried this route and it ended where it began, so I don’t advise trying to reconcile, but just end it. Separate yourself, and think about your future and health. It should be clear that your former spouse is not thinking about you and your future and your health. She is thinking about herself.
It is difficult, painful and lonely but the cleaner and faster the break, the sooner you can start getting on with your life. It will take time to get over it, and you will.
I lived in crappy neighborhoods with drug dealers and lowlifes of every sort for 15 years, as I had simply nothing left of my paycheck after child support, medical insurance, child care and my half of whatever activities that my children were engaged in. I drove a rusted out 1980 Olds Cutlass for close 8 years. Then, I bought another used car which was only slightly better. The next time I saw my children I picked them up in it, shortly threrafter, I found myself back in court with her demanding a raise in support. Which the court automatically granted, over and over, and over. I lived on less than $10,000 cash dollars per year and I had a $40,000 nut to crack for the credit cards she ran up at the end.
Mind you she had remarried and was living in a 2500 sq.ft. home in an upper income neighborhood. I lived in the city on the edge of the ghetto in a furnished two bedroom for $475/mo. It was the best I could afford. I ate subsistence food. This is while I was a mid-level engineering project manager making in the mid-$70K. I got the children from 10:00 am saturday to 5:00 pm sunday twice per month unless the ex has something planned in which it might only be once per month or less.
About two years in to that was when the OJ thing was happening, and that is when I knew deep down in my heart of hearts...that OJ... did it.
“You’re an idiot” isn’t for me to say. However “See, I told you so” is. And I reserve this for when it will sting the most, and it will be that time you will know for yourself and I will not have to say it. Good friends will know that it is understood.
My divorce was over twenty years ago. I came on lean times then too, but I was able to keep it to a minimum, and not without help.
I rode the bus for about eighteen months.
She sought child support and I opted to have it taken out of my paycheck automatically. It wasn’t required at the time.
She proceeded to take the money, go out and party nightly, and leave town and my kids alone at home on the weekends. She did this for over a year that I know of, before I finally withdrew from the situation. Folks will think this is an exaggeration. It isn’t.
The kids wanted to live with her. She couldn’t stand the thought of them living with me. And as it turns out, she evidently couldn’t stand living with them either.
I didn’t have a place of my own for a fair amount of time. I lived with relatives. There was no place to take the kids to, or house them. My every other weekend visits were to a restaurant, which bored them silly. She supported them coming up with new reasons they couldn’t go with me. I finally gave up on that too. While I was seeing them, they looked to be wearing clothes that the Salvation Army would reject.
For men I see marriage and divorce as this.
You date, marry, and live with someone for a couple of decades. You obviously love them. You make a home together. You have children. You love them very much too. Then friction comes and sooner or later the divorce. And this you may or may not survive.
After twenty years of spending your off ours with this person and then your children too, a switch is flipped, and there is no more contact. If you’re lucky, you get access to the kids that think everything is your fault. And don’t try to explain why it really isn’t, because the kids don’t want to take sides.
When she wants out, the courts, the attorneys, any government agencies, and most of your old friends will side with her. If she is outwardly attractive, displays a vulnerable side and is friendly to others, your goose is cooked.
What I was most shocked about, was the kids who were in their teens. They both swore that I was beating my wife on a regular basis. They lived in the same small home with us, and somehow they came to this conclusion. It wasn’t true.
It can take you between two and twenty years to get your life back. And face it, you’ll never get it all back.
And then you deal with the angst your grown kids try to eliminate by continuing to not take sides by mentioning things you did that caused it all.
And all the while, the people you used to know marvel at what a great job she did getting through it. You? Not so much. You beast!