Posted on 12/02/2012 7:21:17 AM PST by SeekAndFind
A recent article on Yahoo extolled “The Benefits of Marrying Later in Life.” The writer, who waited until age 46 to marry, listed the benefits of delaying marriage:
– Learning to love herself and accept her self-worth
– Time to become her own person
– Benefit of knowing who she is
– Experiencing life as her own complete person
With all due respect to the author, her list looks like a recipe for perpetual singleness. A decade or more of doing what’s best for “me” and learning to love and complete “myself” is not the best way to prepare for the sacrifices and selflessness required to be one half of a couple. Be honest: Would you want to marry someone who has spent two entire decades of her life “learning to love herself”? She’s going to be a tough act to follow.
According to the Pew Research Center, the median age for marriage in the United States has risen to a record 28.7 for men and 26.5 for women, which means that half are older than the median when they marry. Marriage overall has declined as well; barely half of Americans are currently married, a record low, compared to 72% in 1960.
But those averages don’t tell the whole story. More and more in our society, success is defined as progressing along a pathway that includes high school, college, graduate or professional school, a career with a 6-figure salary, and, after a long succession of “practice” relationships, perhaps marriage and children (if the woman’s AARP-eligible eggs hold out that long).
Of course, it hasn’t always been that way. Until the early 1900s, no one had ever heard the words “teenager” and “adolescence.” Upon reaching the age of maturity (usually in the late teens), young people were expected to court and marry in short order. If a 20-something lived in his parents’ basement, he usually had a good excuse — such as missing hands and feet, or being in a permanent comatose state. In the book From Front Porch to Back Seat: Courtship in Twentieth Century America, Beth Bailey describes the societal changes that led to our current dating and marriage culture and the new phase of life we now know as extended adolescence:
Because young people were released, to a great extent, from adult responsibilities and decisions, the act of choosing a lifelong mate did not seem so immediately important. Within youth culture, the emphasis in courtship shifted to the social and recreational process of dating…
In a span of about 50 years, we went from supervised courtship with the expectation that marriage would be the end result to casual, recreational dating and, eventually, cohabitation as an accepted precursor or replacement for marriage. As a result of these cultural changes, not only has the marriage age crept steadily upward, but so has the divorce rate. Currently around 50% of new marriages end in divorce, compared to 8% in 1900 and 25% in the early 70s, when no-fault divorce laws appeared.
In light of these statistics, I’d like to suggest four compelling reasons why marrying earlier in life (perhaps by the mid-20s) might be beneficial.
In his book I Kissed Dating Goodbye, Joshua Harris recounts a young woman’s dream about her wedding day. As she meets her groom at the altar, other young women begin to line up behind her future husband. They are both devastated as they realize that he will be bringing his (rather large) entourage of ex-girlfriends into their marriage. Harris goes on to explain that the dream was a metaphor for his dating experience.
He realized that he had given each girl a piece of his heart and had taken pieces of theirs. Each successive relationship left him with a little less to give to his future wife. It’s like when you stick two pieces of masking tape together and pull them apart. If you continue to repeat the process over and over again, eventually no stickiness remains. There would always be memories, thoughts, and images that were shared in previous relationships that would influence, and to some extent shape, the future marriage. Memories from past relationships can linger for dozens of years and threaten the foundations of even the most stable marriages. According to a survey at Your Tango, thinking about exes is a serious problem:
- 74% of women and 64% of men think about their ex too much
- 76% of women and 70% of men have looked up an ex on the internet
- 50% of women and 40% of men say they look at their ex’s Facebook or other online profile too often
In simple risk-assessment terms, the less baggage and the fewer corpses of past relationships you drag into your marriage, the stronger the foundation will be.
Regardless of your age at the time of your marriage, you can count on both partners changing over the course of the relationship. Those who marry younger grow together rather than independently. My husband and I are approaching the 25-mile marker in our marriage and we are not the same people we married those many years ago. I was working at a job I hated and my husband was going to school and working at an oil change shop while serving in the National Guard. We lived frugally in a 3-room rental in a sketchy neighborhood in W. Akron. A few years later we bought our first house in a neighborhood on the outskirts of inner-city Akron for $38,000. Gary spent his weekends keeping our cars running and I learned how to make 101 recipes using ground chuck, which was $0.89/lb back then. If we had waited until our 30s or 40s to marry, we’d have missed those precious years of working together toward our goals and watching the lovely, slow progress that emerges over the years of living life as a team and arriving at the destination together. I wouldn’t trade those years of joy and struggles for anything. King Solomon, a man of extraordinary wisdom, had this to say: ”
Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 ESV)
I suppose there are benefits to waiting until you have everything figured out and you have achieved success in your career before you “settle down,” but what a grand adventure you are missing along the way with the love of your life!
Our sexual desires and ability to procreate are innate, God-given characteristics. Those are precious, beautiful things and, as a Christian, I believe the Bible teaches they are reserved for the confines of marriages (read Steven Crowder’s excellent account of the rewards of abstinence before marriage). This is the best plan for a healthy, happy marriage. Expecting men and women with this sexual ethic to suppress those feelings until they are 30 or even 40 is frustrating, difficult, and, probably for many, cruel and unusual punishment. Marrying earlier rather than later avoids the frustration of denying and repressing one’s natural sexual urges and allows them to be expressed appropriately in the context of marriage. In addition, the 20s are the peak fertility years, especially for women. Marrying earlier can help avoid the heartache of infertility that so many couples face when they postpone childbearing until they complete their education and then spend a dozen years establishing their careers. It’s counterintuitive to delay having children until after the woman’s best chances for conception have passed. There is also the added benefit of not being the dad who asks for the senior discount at the ice cream stand after his kid’s t-ball game. And think about the weirdness of picking up both Children’s Tylenol and your Low-T medicine at the pharmacy.
For many couples, living together before marriage is a cover for their unwillingness to make a mature, adult commitment. I’ll first refer back to my previous point about God’s plan for sexual abstinence before marriage and monogamy within as the best route to a happy and healthy marriage. But in addition to that, I believe that cohabitation sets a very unhealthy pattern that leads to a culture of divorce. Living together before marriage to “see if we’re compatible” is practicing failure. The unspoken (or sometimes spoken) agreement is that if it doesn’t work out or if my partner doesn’t fulfill my desires, we can both walk away. It’s built on a foundation of selfishness and flies in the face of “For better or worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and health, forsaking all others, until death parts us.” Marriage is fun, fulfilling, and amazing, but it’s also really, really hard sometimes. There can be long periods of time when couples must wade through difficult periods of medical issues, family crises, financial problems, and routine boredom. Cohabitation gives couples license to walk away in the face of those difficulties, with the excuse that “they must not be compatible” or it “ wasn’t meant to be.” In contrast, marriage (technically) requires a commitment to permanence. Couples that survive and endure through dozens of years of marriage do so not because their marriages aren’t touched by trials, tragedies, and heartache, but because they manage to navigate these difficulties and persevere, fiercely resolute in the commitment they have made to one another and, for many, to God.
In his counter-cultural book Dating with Integrity, John Holzmann describes the solemnity of the vows, beginning at the moment of engagement:
To be betrothed means to be promised. People used to speak of “plighting” (pledging, promising) one’s “troth.” Troth means faithfulness, loyalty, promise. But whether we call it engagement or betrothal, the main thing people need to attend to is that their promises are true and they will do whatever they must in order to fulfill them. At the point of engagement or betrothal the great transition should occur. It is here that one should make one’s vows and plan to keep them. Before one makes a vow, all one’s questions should be answered concerning whether or not he or she intends to fulfill it. It is at the point of engagement that the big shift should occur between being “mere” friends to being committed to one another as husband and wife for the rest of our lives.
Couples in trial marriages via cohabitation arrangements refuse to make such commitments and instead enter into agreements that are, at their root, open-ended and even selfish. Experiencing one or more of these relationships/arrangements teaches couples to take the easy way out when the going gets rough. Rather than making semi-sincere vows (which, by the way, can also be made or implied in non-cohabitating serious relationships), perhaps we need a return to what our grandparents practiced: Avoiding the “practice marriage” trap by marrying young, embracing the gravity and solemnity of the marriage commitment, waiting until the wedding day to move in together, and staying together for life.
There are many factors to consider when deciding when and whom to marry: the maturity of the individuals, their financial independence, whether they have a realistic view of marriage, and, of course, whether they’ve found the right person to marry. The bottom line is that what we’ve been doing for the last fifty years isn’t really working. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that the way we do marriage is failing miserably, evidenced by the colossal divorce rate. It’s time to examine our modern marriage paradigms and ask if we can learn a thing or two from generations past. While I’m not suggesting that early marriage is right for everyone, I am saying that we shouldn’t automatically dismiss it out of hand just because current conventional wisdom says it’s a bad idea and the “experts” tell us that we need to spend a decade or more of our adulthood “finding ourselves” and learning to love ourselves more.
Another benefit of marrying and having kids young is that they are “gone” while you are still young. Mine moved out at 18, I was 39 and I went to college. A whole new world. And it was fun in class where the young un’s would ask me “do you have a No. 2 pencil? — “an extra scan tron” — “can I borrow your notes from last Tuesday?” Annonyed me at first but I learned to enjoy it.
i was 31, and didn't meet my future husband until i was just about to turn 30... i could have married before that--a couple of times... so glad i didn't marry anyone who came before my husband... and even now in my late 40s (and he in his early 50s) sex is good!
Lots to agree with in this article…. with the strongest point likely being that sex with other partners (before supposedly that one big final permanent commitment) will mean that one’s heart is just that much more fragmented and hence more unable to love and focus on one’s spouse. This means that marriages between anybody other than virgins have a serious handicap and the divorce stats show it. One thing to strongly disagree with in the article… Sex is NOT just for the young. It is the primary element of the lifelong commitment that ultimately is the essence of marriage itself….in fact, it’s the only distinguishing feature that separates the marital relationship from all other relationships. Without sex, a marriage is for all intents and purposes, dead and that is true for all ages.
By the way married for 17 years, at the age of 22. We have four kids and could not have imagined doing it when we were in our 30’s. I know she makes me a better man. Without her, I would not know happyness.
This would be fine if we didn’t raise a society of perpetual adolescents.
i met my husband at 29 after a series of long-term relationships... i guess the thing is, i didn't want to get married before then... i was raised being told i would not marry young... and so i always knew i would not marry young... i love the life i had before i got married--bought my first house when i was 25, enjoyed my career, worked in ministry with wonderful young adult Christians... met my kindred spirit, who is 5 years older than i... we married a year later... when i met my husband i was sure i could marry him... and i treated my relationship with him differently than my relationships with the others...
Of course the downside is being single at 30 and realizing that “all of the good ones are already taken.”
“...all of the good ones are already taken.”
With a FEW acceptions, that is very true when it comes to women, especially in this day and age.
So, a very smart girl, with some very silly ideas. I think the culture, and the educational system, fill these girls with ideas that the most important thing is to have a fulfilling career.
That being said, the smartest women are the ones are are both educated and marry in their 20s. Its okay to have a career, but family should come first. I think many young women have been brainwashed into thinking that they can find a husband at any age. Not saying its impossible, but after 29, it gets much harder with each passing year.
Your daughter may also want to set her sights on older men, as they might appreciate her more. I can see where a 29 year old woman might not want to marry someone over 40, but there are advantages.
I was 43 when my first grandchild was born. She is now 28 married, and we still spend time together making memories.
I think in their minds people want to “maximize” instead of “satisfice” when it comes to marriage partners, they let perfect become the enemy of good.
I would add the the overall level of quality has dropped so precipitously that what isn't claimed isn't worth claiming.
AMEN!!
We were 18. Working on our 47th year together. It ain’t easy, just as some people think Christianity is supposed to be. It, too, requires faith, trust, honor, and most of all true love.
Married at 18/19 and will celebrate our 33rd year in the spring!
Kids all married and five grands.
Life is good!
My husband and I got married in our 30s. Since we were both really shy and professionally focused, there was no way we would have gotten there any faster.
There are advantages and disadvantages to this:
1. Pros
We have known true loneliness and are really grateful for each other. We are unlikely to “trade up” to a different spouse.
We don’t care about keeping up with what’s sexy and hip. We can raise our kids to be Godly and “square” without regret.
We have been to expensive hotels, concerts, traveled overseas, etc., so we don’t feel deprived if we skip these things to provide for our kids.
2. Cons
We don’t have as much energy.
We don’t have any help from grandparents, because they are frail or dead. And the kids only knew my husband’s parents, not mine.
All the first cousins are older than our kids.
We never knew each other when we were young and hot.
We were so self-sufficient that it is hard to build teamwork, instead of just dividing up chores or goals and doing them alone.
We wanted more kids, but my fertility ended.
I’d like my kids to marry younger than we did, so they don’t have some of the drawbacks we had. But it will be hard for them to find mature spouses with their priorities straight (God, family). I think the countries where parents help winnow out the bad prospects and introduce their kids to good ones are better than here, where people just go to bars and hope for the best.
Haha yes. I think it depends on the person but once settled there is no question about it.
You see someone in the 30s who has never been married nor in a long-term relationship, and you will think “What’s wrong with them?” It’s human nature to think that way. Maybe they were too “career-driven”, or just a bad partner who was incapable of sustaining long-term relationships.
As a result, I believe that makes it very difficult to develop complete trust in such people, that is necessary for a successful marriage.
I used to believe that it was good to wait and “figure yourself out” before settling down, but now, not so much, and it certainly not what I will advise my kids to do.
My advice now is, find someone good enough as soon as possible and make it work.
I think this pattern is the norm now. Not ideal but the norm.
Most men want a women who can help pay the bills so their holding out longer to find one.
Also the family laws are so anti-male that many men are shy about getting married.
Our culture is anti-marriage in subtle ways and this is the result.
Furthermore, let’s stop this idea of “meeting your soulmate.”
You don’t “meet” them, you “make” them.
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