It would be nice if that’s all men had to do. In my own family, two women in good marriages to good men became dissatisfied, dwelled on their resentments and escalated them, initiated divorce and broke up the foundation of their children’s lives. Their husbands wanted to try to save the marriage even after it got really bad, even after infidelity in one case.
This is my advice to women:
Find a good man.
Marry the good man.
Now comes the important part:
Spend the rest of your life appreciating him and being thankful for your good fortune.
You know his weaknesses - never attack him there.
You know his strengths - build them.
Make love to him often.
Feed him well and healthily.
Stay fit.
Don’t be a control freak. Minimize criticism and nagging.
Forgive all the little things. Don’t let resentments build.
Teach your children to hold him in honor and respect.
If there are problems in your marriage, and they are not because he is abusive, adulterous, addicted, or abandoning, try changing your own behavior first.
Positive reinforcement is better than negative reinforcement. (look that up in terms of animal training.)
Let him see your happiness with him.
GREAT ADVICE! +1,000,000
I was crazy about her, and told her often. She was crazy about me, and told me often. She got sick early in our marriage, and eventually was unable to work or even cook or clean...so I did it all. It drove her crazy to not be able to, but she appreciated that I did.
I loved her deeply and was happy to do what I did for her, but during the more stressful times, I would remember the vow I made on my wedding day...to God, to her and her family and friends, to my family and friends...that I would care for her in sickness and in health. She would have done the same for me.
We were married (the first and only marriage for us both) for over 26 years before her death in 2010.
EXCELLENT! Thank you for posting that. There are a lot of women and girls today who have the attitude “What have you done for me lately?” Well, sweetheart, it isn’t all about you. Get over yourself and realize a relationship is TWO people.
I especially like the one about appreciating him and being thankful for your blessing. Time passes so quickly. My parents were married for 55 years when my dad passed away, and my mother never got over losing him.
Great post, heartwood, great post.
I am blessed. I married when I was a bit older (30) but that was because I had to be absolutely sure that when I got married, that she was the right one.
I adore my wife (24 years) mostly because of one simple fact: She accepts me for who I am as a person, and accepts me as a man.
I am by no means perfect. I have many faults, both major and minor.
That is why your post hit such a chord with me. She knows my strength and weaknesses, and understands a key point that many spouses don’t: Those weaknesses, if not destructive, are part of what makes you, YOU, just as much as the strengths do.
She doesn’t steer or drag me to try to improve me. She leads me.
Think about that: “She leads me”.
Sounds like a bad thing, but in no way is it bad. Her gentle persuasions over our time together have made me better in many ways, without taking away the essence of who I am. That is not an easy thing to do.
And another point: She UNDERSTANDS I am a man. A Man. She doesn’t try to turn me into a woman who happens to have male genitalia.
My wife knows, as all intelligent women do, that being a man is more than just difference from women in anatomy and physical appearance.
She understands completely that our brains are wired differently than those of women. We often operate on different frequencies, occupy spaces in our minds that belong to us and they will never be able to get in, and to be comfortable and grow as a man, we need the freedom to BE a man.
Basically, she understands that masculinity in men is not a crime, something to be suppressed.
This opens up our marriage in ways that I sadly see are stunted in many other relationships we observe.
She knows she doesn’t have to like professional footbal for me to enjoy it. If I want to tackle some project that she doesn’t see as important, she understands that I am doing it because it is interesting or important to me and she respects that.
Actually...it all boils down to respect. Without it, nothing else is possible except bad things and unhappiness.
I have had a bumper sticker on my car for going on ten years now, and it is a private joke that couples coming behind us on the roadways seem to occasionally share in. The bumper sticker says:
“MY WIFE SAYS I NEVER LISTEN TO HER, OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.”
I will see a couple in a car drive up behind me, crane their necks to read the sticker, and begin laughing. I got stopped by a cop once who, when he decided not to give me a ticket (taillight out) said: “I really like your bumper sticker!”
But that sticker says something about us, because my wife knows that I hear every single thing she says, no matter how inane it might seem.
She tested me one day (she had apparently seen it on television somewhere) by speaking to me of the day’s events:
“I had a meeting at work today, it wasn’t very productive. I saw a friend who said to say hello. I picked up milk on my commute home. The plumber called and will be here next Tuesday. I am going to do some work in the garden on Saturday morning. I cut my head off with dental floss when I walked in the front door.”
I passed...:)
Excellent advice!
It would be nice if that’s all men had to do. In my own family, two women in good marriages to good men became dissatisfied, dwelled on their resentments and escalated them, initiated divorce and broke up the foundation of their children’s lives. Their husbands wanted to try to save the marriage even after it got really bad, even after infidelity in one case.
This is my advice to women:
Find a good man.
Marry the good man.
Now comes the important part:
Spend the rest of your life appreciating him and being thankful for your good fortune.
You know his weaknesses - never attack him there.
You know his strengths - build them.
Make love to him often.
Feed him well and healthily.
Stay fit.
Don’t be a control freak. Minimize criticism and nagging.
Forgive all the little things. Don’t let resentments build.
Teach your children to hold him in honor and respect.
If there are problems in your marriage, and they are not because he is abusive, adulterous, addicted, or abandoning, try changing your own behavior first.
Positive reinforcement is better than negative reinforcement. (look that up in terms of animal training.)
Let him see your happiness with him.
Excellent comments. I would add, for both men and women:
No other person can totally make you happy. Real happiness comes from within, from who YOU are, not from who someone else is. If you are happy within, you will help your marriage immeasurably and see the good in your husband (or wife) even during rough times. There are always rough times.
I would add one thing- intimate relations. Men need it to know they are loved.