Wife stands naked in front of the mirror.....
‘I look old, fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.’
Husband replies ‘Your eyesight is very good.’
Reminds me of the guy who felt he needed to spice up his marriage, so he went to Victoria's Secret and bought his wife a very expensive negligee. He had it giftboxed, and after purchasing a romantic card, left it on the bed next to his wife's pillow.
Later that evening while he was watching TV, his wife traipsed down the stairs clad in her new translucent garment. With a throaty, whisper she called out, "What do you think?"
The guy looked up from his TV, cleared his throat and said, "Well, I think for what I paid for that, they should have at least ironed it!"