Posted on 06/23/2011 9:39:46 AM PDT by rface
1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way.. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
21. I used to be indecisive.. Now I'm not so sure.
22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
27. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.
28. When tempted to fight fire with fire,remember the Fire Department usually uses water.
The early bird may get the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.
GOP is a fail...paying lip service and all the while stabbing us in the back.
GOP is a fail...paying lip service and all the while stabbing us in the back.
And my tagline.
Ya got some good ones there.
The early worm is breakfast to the early bird.
Now that I'm in my late 30's I've learned this one first hand. In the workplace, the neighborhood and even in church you still have all the same groups you had in junior high and high school, the cool kids, the geeks, the jocks, the bullies, the teachers pets, the gossips, the party crowd etc. Oh sure, the groups may not be quite as well defined as they were back in high school and most are much more subtle, but they do still exist.
98. These days it’s hard for an iconoclast to keep up his image.
99. The early bird gets the worm. The rest have to follow suet.
100. Murphy’s Law is real.
101. Murphy was an optomist.
Add “I used to be conceited, but now I’m perfect.”
From my taglines collection:
If You’re Livin’ On The Edge... MOVE OVER!..There are people waiting to Jump!
There’s no place like 127.0.0.1
There are only 10 types of people in this world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done
Survival of the fittest........ and we have the guns!
God, I love the smell of burning Karma in the morning....
Unfortunately common sense isn’t very common.
Only two things are infinite: The universe, and human stupidity. And I’m not sure about the former.
If it is not on fire, it is a software problem.
When encryption is outlawed bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir rapelcgvba
Choose a job you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life.
If you’re not on somebody’s sh!t list, you’re not doing anything worthwhile.
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
A well done medium is rare
Who needs original thought when there are so many unoriginal thoughts you can use?
I told you not to read this... why didn’t you listen?
Under Capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it’s the other way around
Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
Every rule has an exception. Especially this one.
MBA’s: Can’t live with ‘em. Can’t legally torture them to death.
easy as 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841
We are born naked, wet and cold. Then things get worse.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Landing: a controlled mid-air collision with a planet
Prayer is asking for rain. Faith is carrying the umbrella
Polaroids: Polar bears get these from sitting on ice flows
A computer cuts your work in half and gives you back the bloody ends
!edis gnorw eht morf siht ta gnikool era uoY
Life is still in beta test.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Death is just God’s way of dropping carrier.
A chicken is an egg’s way of producing more eggs.
A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.
Error, no keyboard . . . Press F1 to continue.
Help, I’ve fallen and I can’t . . . Hey! Nice carpet!
I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
Consciousness - that annoying time between naps.
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Okay, who put a “stop payment” on my reality check?
Those of you who think you know everything are annoying those of us who do.
There are 3 kinds of people in the world - those who can count and those who can’t.
Nothing is so simple that it can’t get screwed up.
There are some days when it takes all you’ve got to keep up with the losers.
The world is not user friendly.
Don’t let people drive you crazy when you know it’s within walking distance.
43.3% of statistics are meaningless.
Put on your seatbelt. I wanna try something . . .
A.A.A.A.A. - an organization for drunks who drive.
Originality is the art of concealing your sources.
No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn’t work anyway.
It’s been fun, but I have to scream now.
1st Rule of Electronics - keep the smoke inside.
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
I may be lost but I’m way ahead of schedule.
Oh, no! Not ANOTHER learning experience!
I made it foolproof but they’re making better fools . . .
Multitasking - screwing up several things at once.
If at first you don’t succeed, deny you even tried.
A conclusion is where you got tired of thinking.
A.A.A.A.A. - American Association Against Acronym Abuse.
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue . . .
Shin - a device for finding furniture in the dark.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Careful planning will never replace dumb luck.
Ever stop to think and then forget to start again?
Every man has a scheme that absolutely won’t work.
If you see an onion ring . . . answer it.
Teamwork is vital . . . it gives you someone to blame.
When in doubt, mumble.
Nothing you can’t spell will ever work.
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it’s limits.
Trying to learn about software is like trying to nail Jello to a tree.
No problem is so big or complicated that it can’t be run away from.
I don’t always know what I’m talking about but I know I’m right.
Beer doesn’t make you fat, it makes you lean. Against bars, posts and tables.
Love your enemies. It makes them so damn mad.
Flying is the art of throwing yourself at the ground . . . and missing.
Typical engineering - measure it with a micrometer, mark it with chalk, and cut it with an axe.
Keep your mouth shut and people will think you’re stupid; open it and you will remove all doubt.
If everything is under control you’re not going fast enough
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Drink ‘till she’s cute, but stop before the wedding
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines
I’m not cheap, but I am on special this week
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If you ain’t makin’ waves, you ain’t kickin’ hard enough!
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Support bacteria - they’re the only culture some people have.
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!
Excuses are like asses everyone’s got em and they all stink.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away... so does having no medical insurance.
Death is life’s way of telling you you’ve been fired.
Never play strip poker with a nudist, they have nothing to lose.
If you can’t read this, you’re illiterate.
It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it.
He who hesitates is boss.
Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.
Early to bed, early to rise, work like hell, and advertise.
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t.
You never achieve real success unless you like what you are doing.
Laws are never as effective as habits.
Defeat has its lessons as well as victory.
The absent are never without fault. Nor the present without excuse
Those who do not complain are never pitied.
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead
Art teaches nothing, except the significance of life
Life is a video game. No matter how good you get, you are always zapped in the end
The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad
If you want to kill any idea in the world today, get a committee working on it.
If you torture data long enough, it will tell you anything you want !
The pen is mightier than the sword, but no match for the accountant.
A lawyer with his briefcase can steal more than a hundred men with guns.
Always live within your income, even if you have to borrow money to do so.
I would die for my country, but I could never let my country die for me.
-I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
- Borrow money from pessimists - they don’t expect it back.
- Half the people you know are below average.
- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
- All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
- OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
- I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
- Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
I don’t do drugs any more ‘cause I find I get the same effect just standing up really fast.
I got a sweater for Christmas . . . I wanted a screamer or a moaner.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
There are two sides to every divorce—yours and Sh!thead’s.
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades...now THAT’S a message!!
I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?
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