I will never forget riding in a U-haul, 7 months pregnant in -10 weather, from St Louis to Minnesota where my husband’s first parish was located. When we hit Iowa I remember grabbing my mid-section and holding for dear life because it was so bumpy and it hurt so bad. It was at night and we probably stopped about 100 yards away from where a bridge was being redone; there was no way to get across because the bridge had actually been demolished. There hadn’t been any signs to warn us or to tell us to take a detour and it was just a good thing my husband thought something seemed strange. Turning around the U-haul which was pulling a car behind wasn’t fun.
To this day we still laugh about Iowa roads.
It’s sort of bittersweet laughter though because the child I was carrying at the time died, stillborn at 42 weeks for unknown reasons. We had moved our stuff to Minnesota and then stayed with my parents in northeast Nebraska to wait for the baby to be born. She was overdue and after we checked into the hospital for a non-stress test to see if the baby could withstand induction of labor the next day, she died in the middle of monitoring.
Within a week’s time I had gone to the hospital to deliver my firstborn, she had died, I had given birth, we had buried her, and we had moved to Minnesota for my husband to start the ministry. Thank God for the good people in our parish, who adopted me as if I was their own sister or daughter. They knew I was a hurting unit and loved me right through it.
Funny how so much of life is a bittersweet mixture of sadness and joy.
Anyway, we try to avoid Iowa roads if at all possible. lol
I know what it is like to lose a child. My ex-wife and I had a daughter who was born with her intestines closed off in numerous locations. She had to be fed intravenously and had to have a colostomy bag. She lived for a couple of months before we made the decision to bring her home from the hospital and let her die in peace.
My ex-wife and I were not what you would call particularly strong Christians---although, we did seek out a priest to administer last rites for our daughter. The death of our daughter pulled us farther away from God and each other. It eventually destroyed our marriage and we divorced. I became an atheist and in my hatred, since I am a physicist, I sought to disprove God's existence once and for all scientifically.
For over ten years, I actively worked on disproving God. I started by using evolution as a proof. Surely that would work, right?
At first, all was going well until I noticed that the "evolution" of horses' hooves was clearly falsified data. I dug further and found evidence of even more falsified data by paleontologist trying to support macro-evolution. Rather than just presenting the data as it were, even if it was in conflict with their theory of evolution, they would actually falsify stuff! How can you call yourself a scientist and be party to such deception? So what if the data doesn't fit the Macro-evolution model? Let the chips fall where they may!
Anyway, the obvious biases and falsified data running rampant in the paleontological sector of the scientific community had me looking elsewhere for something that was a little more tangible and less subject to conjecture and falsification.
So, I switched to microbiology (my ex-wife was a microbiologist). Again, at first glance, it appears that cells are just byproducts of random chemical combinations which eventually locked into DNA and RNA sequences. But, then you start to realize that cells are amazingly much more complex than just random byproducts of DNA and RNA. They ingest specific chemicals and make copies of themselves.
What is the minimum number of amino acids required to create something that will "eat" and replicate? No one knows for sure. Estimates vary widely. But, they are all just that; estimates. No one has ever found that first "Genesis" cell in the fossil record. Nor have they ever created random life in a test tube. Suffice to say, the odds against life are staggering. Yet, here we are---either by chance or by a Creator----there is no definitive answer to be found in microbiology.
So, I switched gears and read all the various theories out there on the origins of the Universe and discussed them ad nauseam with other physicists. However, all those theories were sorely lacking when it came to explaining what happened BEFORE the Universe came into existence. So, I focused in on that aspect and started out with a postulate: Before our Universe came into being, there was a Something, and there was a Nothing.
From there, I went on to develop my own theory of the pre-birth of the Universe in which the Something and the Nothing are both infinite. I have yet to publish my pre-birth theory and I feel that a large portion of it is revolutionary, so I won't elaborate on it here in this open forum. However, there came a point when I had sufficiently fleshed out the details of my theory that I realized that if I accept the existence of life in a finite Universe/Dimension such as ours, then I had to accept the possibility that a form of sentient life could also exist in an infinite Universe/Dimension encompassing our own.
Anyway, one day I was ruminating over Dimensionality and Reality as we perceive it vs. reality as truth, and the possibility of the existence of an absolute God-like entity/life-form. It was at that moment that the Words of Jesus came to me, "I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life..." I stopped dead in my tracks!
You see, it came to my mind with a Greek subtext; The Way is hodos (ὁδός) which is a path to something. It implies direction and dimensionality; The Truth is aletheia (αλήθεια)- that which isn't hidden, reality; And, finally, the Life is Zoe (ζωή)which means Absolute Life. It was at that moment that I realized Jesus was saying to me---a physicist---He was Dimensionality, Reality, and Absolute Life!
That jarred me enough to seek out a professional in these matters---a pastor at a nearby church. It was from this pastor that I learned that I could actually test God to see if His claims were true! What scientist doesn't like conducting tests?!! So, I undertook the task of testing God. Long story short, the results of those tests led me back to God. And, not only just back to God, but with an unshakeable, passionate conviction in God and His existence!
I even became an assistant pastor at that nearby church where I had once sought out advice.
Over the years, I have come to realize that God loved me so much that He sent me a daughter for just a little while and then took her back to send me on a spiritual quest which would, in the end, be more than enough to satisfy my doubting scientific mind that He is Lord of all.
I have often tried to imagine what else God could have done to send me on that long spiritual journey, but nothing short of the death of my daughter would have driven me with such a fervent passion for trying to disprove God's existence. I thank Jesus and my deceased daughter with all my heart for giving up their lives so that I might truly live.
And, to wrap all this up with a happy ending, when I was testing God, true to his end of the bargain, He blessed me with Mrs. Bulldog and continued to further bless both of us with a wonderful, healthy, almost 4-year-old daughter!
Cheers
P.S. - Yup, I was about to get back to your email you sent a couple days ago when I noticed your comment here and decided to spend a little time with you, here. I figured you wouldn't mind if I addressed this comment before getting back to your email.