Posted on 01/08/2011 10:07:36 PM PST by DesertRenegade
One night, in March 2006, I was getting ready for bed when my fiancé and boyfriend of 10 years, Aaron, called me into the living room and said, “Kiri, we need to talk.”
I thought he wanted to apologize for a little tiff we’d had earlier. Aaron was a musician who had booked a gig in upstate New York. I wanted to go, but he’d asked me not to.
Instead, he said he was “confused” about his sexuality. As an episode of “Sex and the City” droned in the background, he burst into tears. My life had changed forever.
We got drunk and talked all night. I would veer from consoling him to being livid. Eventually, I curled into the fetal position on the bed. You can bet he slept on the couch.
In the morning, after he left for work, I searched his computer. He’d been scouring the ads on Craigslist’s “Men for Men” section. I found gay porn.
I called him at work, and he told me he’d long been cheating on me with men.
His betrayal left me more than devastated: It left me another person. I was now someone fearful and angry. I’d burst into spontaneous tears at work. I had panic attacks. I became convinced everyone was lying to me, even about the most benign things. If someone told me they had salmon for lunch, I wouldn’t think they were lying about where they’d been. Instead, I’d suspect they were lying about what they ate — the smaller details.
Two weeks later, Aaron told me he was gay. I think the reality of actually getting married snapped him out of his denial. But I was resentful that he’d allowed it to go so far.
(Excerpt) Read more at nypost.com ...
Boon belt!
What a great accessory concept for that brand of “confused” metrosexual.
I thought you meant a kind of fur hat but hung from the belt, like a merkin—whip off the old leather pants and you got a raccoon pelt down there! Keep you warm at the public restrooms too!
Like a Celtic fur sporran!
Ma’am, this quite surprises me that you would consider marrying someone and not really have a clue that they were gay. There are always signs.
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Then you must not have grown up on a high gay pop area. I grew up surrounded by gays and lesbians (Palm Springs) AND I have pretty good ‘gaydar’ (better than most) but he was a faithful, temple going, Returned Missionary mormon. That isn’t a profile of a ‘gay man’. He wasn’t a bear, but he wasn’t a twinkie either. We never had sex (active Mormon) and wasn’t planning on it. We never discussed homosexuality because that is a taboo subject in Mormonism (moreso than in other cultures).
And to be honest, I don’t think he knew he was gay until he told me.
BTW, my mother was married to my father for 7 years before she found out he was gay and cheating on her.
Gays are masterful liars and both in the 1970’s and before AND in mormonism, it is something to hide and fight and be ashamed of for the most part. Sadly, that has changed.
So don’t judge me too harshly till you have been where I have been.
Give me a chainsaw over diamonds any day (and yes I’m straight).
Chainsaws are at least useful.
I’ve wondered since I was first introduced to Super Man as a kid, just how taking his glasses off kept people from recognizing him. My wife would know who I was with or without glasses and Lois and Clark were probably together longer than we have been.
I wonder how many women have homosexual children after they kick “Dear old Crazy Dad” to the curb and marry their boyfriend.
There is also something you don’t understand...Mormon culture. At the time, I was Mormon (I have since left, but not because of the gay fiancee).
In Mormonism, young Returned missionaries (age 21) are encouraged to marry as soon as possible and women are condisered ‘old maids’ if they are still single at 21 (then they are encouraged to go on a mission themselves to make them more marriageable).
Also, Mormon dating patterns are different than other cultures. You date someone for a month or two, you pray to know if this is ‘the one’, and if you get a confirmation (burning in the bosom) you get engaged and engagements usually only last about 2 months. I know a lot of LDS who went from meeting their spouse to married in less than 6 months and often less than 4.
We were being cautious. We dated for 6 months and would have been engaged almost 4. In Mormonism, that is a very long time.
I have pinged others who used to be LDS as well who know about this aspect of Mormon culture.
“... fiancee decided that he was gay 6 weeks before the temple wedding...”
Take comfort in the fact you found out before marriage and children. When I was a teen, a neighbor lady thought her husband of 15 years was cheating. Well, he was. It just wasn’t with a woman. He left his wife and two daughters for his new boyfriend. The daughters took it especially hard. One girl was just entering the puberty years and became depressed to the point that she needed to go to a psychiatrist. The youngest daughter completely lost her bubbly personality. Both girls grades dropped dramatically. My granny had a saying... “knowing something before you walk down the aisle and before you walk down the aisle are two different things”. Just a thought.
Oops, need more coffee. Granny said, “knowing something before you walk down the aisle and AFTER you walk down the aisle are two different things”. Sorry.
As far as LDS dating there is a famous Brigham Young quote something like: "Any man not married by the age of 22 is a menace to society."
I guess I don’t understand how one could not tell? IMHO these women must have to over look a lot of obivous signs to be fooled this badly. Perhpas the desire to be married cancels out their abiity to think straight?
You’re right, but I do know some. I have some very good mormon friends, and they spoke by request at my father’s funeral. Their dating culture is alien to mine.
Can agree with them on many things, but I have to say there is plenty on which we disagree. But they understand me, better than my family who are atheists. It was strange in a way, to have them and me and all the Christians speaking for my father who left the church when he was 30 and never returned.
But anyways, glad you converted and are on our side of the track.
“We never discussed homosexuality because that is a taboo subject in Mormonism.”
And that’s why you end up marrying someone who is gay. I am sorry. I am not trying to be harsh. I have discussed this subject with folks I planned to marry, it is something that I couldn’t imagine not discussing. They have done the same with me. Taboo or not, Catholics need to know where they stand and nothing is gained by leaving it in the dark.
I grew up in a small town, I’d wager smaller than where you grew up.
A couple of years ago in Florida, we met a vacationing British woman (65 yrs), her daughter and grandson who were on a trip to get over the elder woman’s husband of many year having recently told her he was gay and divorcing her to go live with his boyfriend.
Well, you see, about Grandpa . . .
“We never discussed homosexuality because that is a taboo subject in Mormonism.”(-reaganaut)
“And that’s why you end up marrying someone who is gay.” (-Ben Kenobi)
It’s not that simple. A neighboring family of mine who was Catholic had a case of the reverse, a man who was married had his wife of some time come out and admit that she was actually lesbian, and their marriage dissolved following that event, it was a real pain for the kids to learn that their own mother had been living some kind of double-life. All I am saying is that who is homosexual and who is not is among the most rediculously ambiguous situations I have seen throughout America, to at least a few families I have known, it’s not just the case of the family, it’s also that whether or not someone is a practicing homosexual is not an obvious matter, some people who come out as homosexual while married or engaged lived as pretty convincing “heterosexuals” for some time up to their making it known, not to mention lived in the membership of religious groups such as Catholicism which is not too condoning of the act in the first place. I will admit that priests don’t mention it often, but in this age where drug use, cohabiting without marriage, and much more is also acceptable to society, homosexuality can’t be the only issue here. I will admit that certain matters such as proposition 8 and promoting the traditional marriage are important, but this is an attack on a four-sided wall, not a one sided wall.
I feel sorry for Ms. Blakeley. Her fiance was a first class jerk.
>> Wait, what ? I’ve sadly seen gay porn, it makes me want to vomit. Its pretty damn disgusting to me, I’m not so sure that there is any reason why a person who isn’t gay would be turned on by gay porn. I can’t imagine anyone who isn’t gay not being revolted by gay porn.
>>That said, the reason why someone is gay, is debatable, but liking gay porn, is probably more of a sign then a cause.
I had a friend in high school that was interested in girls but didn’t have the social skills with them. He eventually drifted into “gay porn” and within a few years he was in gay youth support groups. Soon, BOOM, he was suddenly gay (and a 30something gay man who he began ‘dating’ probably had something to do with it).
The problem was, he let his curiosity for perversion get a hold of him.
I grew up in Palm Springs.
And I don’t think HE knew he was gay until then. And I didn’t marry him thank God! I married a childhood friend after I left the LDS church.
Don’t blame me, blame Mormon culture.
I grew up in a small town, I’d wager smaller than where you grew up.
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I grew up in Palm Springs (not a small town) surrounded by gays and gay sex. I know more about gay sex than a lot of gay men, sadly. And my father was gay as well. I have good gaydar, but there are people who can go ‘undetected’ until they come out.
In my experience, both growing up and as an adult, once someone ‘comes out’ they become more flamboyant, as if they are trying to fit the stereotype.
I converted to Mormonism and their culture is very sexually repressed, not just about homosexuality but sexuality in general. Most girls in Utah don’t go to the gynecologist until right before they are married.
It is a whole different world up there.
I am very glad I found out before the wedding instead of years (and kids later).
It was devastating at the time, but less than a year later, God brought a childhood friend back into my life, we started dating and eventually got married.
We just celebrated our 15th anniversary and still act like newlyweds (which drives my mother in law crazy).
So, in a very big way, God was protecting me before I even knew Him and leading me to where (and whom) He wanted me to be.
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