Posted on 10/13/2010 10:52:00 AM PDT by Kaslin
A week ago, the tragic suicide of Rutgers University freshman Tyler Clementi prompted me and countless other columnists to consider the rising rates of bullying among our nation’s youth and young adults.
Clementi was the apparent victim of an invasion of privacy when a fellow student allegedly used a hidden camera to stream Mr. Clementi’s sexual liaison over the Internet. The humiliation of this incident led to his decision to end his life by jumping off the George Washington Bridge.
The nation is still reeling from this and several other recent suicides attributed to ongoing bullying and harassment. Meanwhile, news stories of more incidents of bullying are becoming as regular as the weather report.
To wit: Monday’s headlines included this from CBSPhilly.com: “Delaware Teen Knocks Over Portable Toilet With Boy Inside.”
This time, according to the report, a 14-year-old bully threatened a group of 7-year-olds in a Newark, Del. park until one of them, in an attempt to diffuse the threats, complied with the bully’s demand that he enter a portable toilet. The older boy then knocked over the toilet, leaving the younger child screaming and covered in human waste.
Reports say the bully laughed and walked away, while the victim’s young companions scurried to get their pal out of the unit and find help.
Astonishing.
Just as reports of bullying seem to be on the rise, so too are advice columns telling parents how to deal with this destructive behavior. The headline of one sent to me this week by the parenting web site Momlogic.com caught my eye: “What if your kid’s the bully?”
Assuming anyone whose child truly is a bully ever reads parenting advice columns (doubtful), you’d hope this article would do some good. But what I found in it is the same pop-psychology message that has undermined the development of conscience and character for at least a generation – the “feel good” parenting advice to “condemn the behavior, not your child.”
The article says parents should define bullying as “unacceptable,” but it discourages parents from couching the issue in terms our children need most of all: Bullying reflects that you are bad.
Supposedly, bullies behave aggressively toward others because they themselves lack self-esteem, or because they seek to fulfill a need for power that perhaps is missing at home. They ought to be excused to a degree because they only act on emotional needs for which they’re not responsible. Therefore, the expert says, don’t make matters worse. Rather than condemn the bully, teach him to be empathetic towards others, especially those who are different.
Regarding such advice I say: Thanks, parenting expert, for helping our society raise the kinds of kids who would force a seven-year-old into a Porta-jon only to knock it over. Which is to say, thanks for helping perpetuate an increase of Bad Kids.
Because of “expert” advice such as this, we’re so consumed with protecting the feelings and self-esteem of our children -- even bullies – that as a society, we’ve adopted the worst habits of the most unskilled parents. There’s a huge difference between telling a child, “I love you unconditionally,” and saying, “You are always good, even if you do bad things.” The first statement should be non-negotiable, but the second is a lie.
It’s time to reconnect children’s behavior to their character. The parents of bullies need to condemn both their children’s’ actions and the character it reflects by speaking the truth: “You are turning into a bad boy. Your words and actions are mean and they prove that you have developed a cruel and unkind heart.”
But that’s not all. Children must also learn repentance (so much more effective than empathy – and also the path to genuine respect for others, after all). To do this, parents of bullies should lovingly say, “Together, we need to start over to teach you right from wrong so that you can show me and the whole world that you are a good person. Anyone can go from bad to good. It’s a decision only you can make and it will be reflected in your actions.”
But hey, I’m no expert; I’m just a mom.
On the other hand, it might not be a good idea to put yourself in a situation where you can be filmed having gay sex with strangers....
Orphaned male adolescents go on killing sprees if mature males aren’t around.
Kids now get into trouble for fighting back. It’s called zero tolerance. Our children are indoctrinated to think that fighting back is just as bad as instigating. Now we see that kids are treating bullies the same way.
Evolution in progress.
A mindset which argues that problems should be dealt with by “authorities” allows the individual to rationalize away the personal responsibility they have to confront evil.
note to Marybeth. . . I was bullied when in school I did not commit suicide. I was raped and sodomized by a hyphenated American back in 69—who gave me reason to believe he had himself been raped and sodomized (but in prison) I did not
become a male prostitute as he suggested I ought. I got No sympathy for any who kill themselves-but to claim they would be alive were it not for the bullies is generally not anything
but unprovable speculation.
The incident described is way, way beyond bullying. Fourteen yr olds don’t “bully” seven yr olds.
That kid ought to be arrested.
Where are the parents in this scenario?
I think the best way to deal with the parents of bullies is the way Bump McKinley dealt with a big bully who was preying upon his much younger son, Donnie, back when I was a kid in Williamsport, Maryland, back in the 1950s.
Mr. McKinley — who worked in the Cushwa Brick Yard and had the exact same measurements as Joe Louis — went to the home of the bully’s parents, pulled the father aside, and said, “The next time your son beats up my son, I’m going to beat up you.”
End of bullying. End of story.
I’m not sure what you are saying. Are you suggesting that it’s ok then for the person doing the videotaping and streaming to do it if what the person being filmed is deemed by you to be wrong?
My brother had advice for my nephew when a kid was getting to be a bully...kick his ass and he’ll leave you alone. My neph did. Although it was only a punch in the nose.
We are raising a generation of wimps. I was relentlessly teased for being a fat kid. I did not cave, I fought back. Of course, being a girl, I could handle the girls physically. With the boys, I just learned to humiliate them verbally in front of their fellow taunters. This usually turned things around and had the friends laughing at them instead.
It’s rough, but you have to fight it. Not drag yourself away, into a ball and die.
Yes, and it’s hard also to have a one size fits all answer anyway. Plus, I don’t think human children were designed to be raised in large groups of same age cohorts. If we must send them off to schools something like the little red school house with smaller groups of mixed ages, CLOSELY overseen by well trained and trusted adults is probably better. That is much closer to what they were designed for.
My dad taught me how to fight. That solved the bully problem.
Advice to parents, teach your kid to defend themselves, both physically and intellectually. Teach them right and wrong. Be there for them if they have things they need to work out.
Do that, and it significantly lessens the chance your child will see suicide as the only solution to his or her problems. While I don’t endorse bullying, I wonder what has happened to society that makes kids totally incapable of dealing with a bully.
It really depends on the situation tho. And the resiliance of the the kid being bullied. I cannot imagine having a sex act of mine streamed live on the internet. Can you?
I read that the young man had posted videos of himself and his *ahem* encounters on the internet himself. There was more going on than any of us knows.
I do agree with what you have said. However, my nephew recently committed suicide (not over bullying and he was an adult). I do not know exactly what makes some people more prone to it (his father also committed suicide). I think it’s easy for people who have not had it touch their families to just imagine it’s a simple matter, but there’s more going on. I don’t have an answer, except to say it’s not simple.
I don't believe in bullying, and I don't believe that people should have their privacy invaded, but in this day and age you have to be crazy if you believe that any of your youthful indiscretions aren't going to end up online in photo or video form....
I had not read that (have just gotten back online after computer virus issues solved with the purchase of my new Mac!). That does change the complexion a bit.
Thanks for the info. What a cesspool our college campuses have become.
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