Posted on 08/27/2010 11:08:49 AM PDT by fathers1
I’ve written a fair amount on parental alienation and parental alienation syndrome (PAS) or parental alienation disorder (PAD). I’ve said before that I’m in no way qualified to give an opinion about whether the behavioral changes displayed by an alienated child fit the American Psychiatric Association’s definition of a discrete syndrome or disorder.
But what I do know is that certain parents attempt to alienate children from the other parent and that that effort can result in personality changes in the child.
Now here’s an excellent overview of the matter that lay people like me can understand (The Colorado Lawyer, 3/1998). It’s not new, but it is educational. It’s by social worker Leona Kopetski and looks to me like a good reference for anyone interested in PAS or PAD.
Kopetski divides her article up into sections describing the psychological characteristics of the alienating parent, the alienated parent and alienation’s effects on the child both short and long term. She makes it clear that parents who alienate aren’t all of one sex any more than alienated parents are.
What is true is that parental alienation tends to be the result of a family dynamic. Briefly, alienating parents tend to be self-centered and narcissistic. Those people are used to making demands on their environment and having those demands met. When they’re not met, there’s hell to pay. Alienated parents play the same game on the same team, just a different position. Where alienators demand, the alienated accedes to those demands.
As with all such family dynamics, each parent’s behavior contributes to the dynamic and each parent’s personality type receives a perceived benefit from both its own behavior and that of the other parent. Therefore, for example,
The accommodating characteristic of the alienated parent sometimes includes a willingness to provide some justification for the alienating parent’s accusations…
[S]ome fathers of very young children have reported that they accommodated a maternal desire that they provide economic support for mother and child, emotional support for mother, and refrain from interfering with what would now be called an enmeshed mother/child unit. The marital balance was upset when either the child (because of a normal developmental push such as often occurs around age four, for example) or the father (believing that the child is now old enough to relate to someone other than the mother or responding to a change in the cultural definitions of expectations for parents) insisted on increased involvement.
When it comes to children, Kopetski readily acknowledges that divorce adversely affects children, but adds that, psychologically at least, they learn to adapt over time. But alienated children not only experience the trauma of divorce and the threat of losing a parent, they also readily see the needs of the alienating parent and strive to accomodate them. They do that because they fear losing that parent. Therefore, they display what the article calls “anxious attachments,” which Kopetski describes this way:
In a desperate attempt to maintain a relationship in the only ways possible (identification and alliance) with the parent who is, at the end of the alienation process, the only parent from a psychological and sometimes physical point of view, the child will mirror the personality and the distorted perceptions of the alienating parent. The blame for anxiety consequent to the insecurity of attachments will be externalized and attributed to the other parent.
In short, the child is placed under pressure by the alienating parent to agree with her/his criticisms of the other parent. Fearing the loss of the alienating parent, the child complies, which in turn fits perfectly with the narcisisstic personality type of the alienating parent.
Not surprisingly, the alienating family dynamic has detrimental consequences to the child both short- and long-term.
The psychological distress is a result of the malignant emotional environment. The most common symptoms in young children are unusual distress during transitions from one parent to the other, sleep disturbances, regressions in achievement of regulation of bodily functions, and failure to achieve expected levels of impulse control. In elementary school age children, disorganization, inability to attend school work with resultant lowered grades, social isolation, and moodiness are often seen.
Teenagers often emancipate prematurely from adult control, becoming defiant and rigid. Such emancipation sometimes includes school refusal, with or without the permission of the parent. Alienated children of all ages show more problems with impulse control than normal, and many children show less ability to be considerate of the feelings of others (except when they accommodate a chosen parent) than normal for the child’s age.
But, mere psychological distress is not the same as psychological damage, which comes later in the child’s life and can be exacerbated by the legal system.
In the area of development of realistic self-concept and self-esteem, alienated children can develop several kinds of problems. These children are often overvalued in ways that are detrimental and are undervalued in ways that would be helpful to them. Because their symptoms have strong emotional appeal and thus become a valuable part of the legal evidence, they become the object of intense, nurturing attention, often under the guise of empathizing with the child. Their symptoms are discussed repeatedly with the child, and are blamed on the behavior of the alienated parent.
Psychological symptoms thus can sometimes become a perversely valued part of the child’s identity. Because other equally or more important aspects of the child’s experience are less valued and receive less empathic or sympathetic response, the child must use the acceptable symptoms to engage necessary and life-sustaining attention from others. Attempts to engage around interests or concerns that do not parallel the interests of the adults are unsuccessful. Sometimes, especially if the accusation used to justify alienation is child abuse, the alienating parent and allies that parent gathers will assert that the child has been permanently and irreversibly damaged. Such a prediction ensures that the child’s self-concept will be damaged and ignores both important conflicting research as well as information that can be gained directly from the child.
Finally, Kopetski says that alienated children may be taken to mental health professionals, but are unlikely to receive the help they need. That’s because the alienating parent will attempt to control access to the “right” type of professional, i.e. one who confirms the parent’s biases in the matter.
To be clear, what Kopetski describes is child abuse and should be seen as such by courts. Of course, the judicial process is not always able to draw proper conclusions about parental alienation by judges who aren’t trained in the nuances of clinical psychology. But that’s not an argument against trying. Indeed, it’s an argument in favor of educating judges, mental health professionals and the public generally about the realities of parental alienation and the stress and damage it visits on kids.
Leona Kopetski’s article takes a long step toward doing just that.
Welcome to Free Republic.
Why is this posted in “News”?
Thanks for not excerpting but this really belongs in “Bloggers”.
This problem is more common than one might think. I have gone through it for 10 years, and it still continues today.
Parental Alienation is child abuse and should be seen as such by courts.
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PAS is not a recognized disorder by the American Psychiatric Association and therefore can not be argued in court.
Divorce - on the other hand - is child abuse. No child can go through the turmoil of a divorce and not come out all messed up.
Here’s an idea. For couples embarking on a marriage - who see nothing askew in pre-nuptials as it pertains to MONEY!! include the following vow:
I promise that any children born of this marriage will be loved, nurtured and raised to majority by both of us in accordance with our faith...that should this marriage fail, be annulled or otherwise dissolved - children born of this union will not be separated from either parent for longer than one week; custody and material wealth to be shared and spent on our offspring equally.
That should do it!!!
4 years for me, try reading “Divorce Poison”, my kids and I still have a good relationship in part due to that book.
Is there any discussion of a happily married couple, wherein one parent decides to, say, focus on work exclusively and neglect the children in that way? I have seen countless families that are intact, but the father is working 24/7 and is absent on the weekend too, playing golf or sometimes still working, traveling?
The problem is, it is hard to define and prove.
Before you convict someone as a child abuser, you had better have very overwhelming evidence of such. Not someone’s reported “feelings.”
That should do it!!!
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You would think. But nope. You can’t pre-nup a kid. No court in any state is allowed to recognize pre-nups like this.
wrong forum
My husband works a ton and doesn’t get to see our children as much as he would like.
I think the main thing is that I don’t work. The kids know why my husband is sacrificing so much. We’ve talked about me going back to work, but we have all agreed that the situation is best for me to stay home. He can pull in more money doing that, and then the kids have one parent always available instead of 2 parents partially available.
Our kids also go to private Christian school. It’s a huge sacrifice that our whole family thinks is worth it.
We also don’t see it as neglect. We see it as my husband making a huge sacrifice. We all know he would rather be with us.
My sister's kids were messed up by the marriage. Their father is a control freak who dictated every aspect of everything and flew into rages when everything wasn't perfect. Since they separated, he's continued to try to control my sister (who just isn't playing anymore) and trash talks her to the kids when he has them, They don't talk much about about their time with him, but always seem relieved when they get back.
The divorce was incredibly bitter, with one lawyer dropping him because he refused to discuss compromising on anything. Among other things, he demanded psychiatric evaluations for my sister, the kids, my mother and her husband. When my sister agreed, provided he'd get one too, he flew into another rage, then dropped the idea. His goal was a court trial where he could publicly humiliate her. Among other things, he accused her of being an alcoholic based on the fact that once, years before, she'd gotten drunk at a New Years Eve party.
What finally motivated my sister to leave was when she saw her son beginning to show some of the same signs, Therapy has helped him considerably, although it was tough going for a while.
Sometimes it’s evident. My sons 2 boys are not allowed to call him “Dad”. SHE won’t allow it. The court ignores it. My grandsons have no idea who he is or his grandparents. THEN she tells them that we want nothing to do with them. She won’t allow visits. They just moved again so we don’t even know where they are.
I can understand where your sister is coming from. My daughter flatly refuses any contact with me with much encouragement from her controlling dad and their twisted step mom. It is the saddest thing that has ever happened to me. But I recognize her dad’s hand in the whole thing.
My post should say “My grandsons have no idea who he is or their grandparents”.
****You can’t pre-nup a kid****
Sad, because they are the most precious result of a marriage between a man & a woman.
My thought was by just having such a promise in the wedding vows, it would raise awareness of having innocent children and their suffering through divorce and custody crises.
Textbook for my ex-DIL and grandchildren. Sad, very sad but the courts could care less. Unless she beats them black and blue every day the courts will do nothing.
It doesn’t matter that she leaves them alone for days at a time, they’re over 10 and can take care of themselves, it doesn’t matter if she won’t buy them decent clothes, school supplies, food, they’re dressed and they can have 2 meals at school.
They have a loving father who they now know, too late, isn’t the monster they had been brainwashed to believe in during the eval and the counselling. My granddaughter told me that one day she told the counselor the truth and the counselor called her mother and she got in bad trouble.
My granddaughter didn’t ever want to see another counselor but I convinced her that there are good ones and she asked her mother if she could go to one and her mother said my granddaughter couldn’t go unless she was present because all my granddaughter was going to do was talk bad about her.
One thing about the mother being gone all the time is that my granddaughter calls me and we talk for hours in the middle of the night. No, I don’t say bad things about her mother to her but I sure think them.
It is so sad. I have to say that I was a little upset with my grandchildren when I found out how badly they lied but my son told me and I could see that they did it for their own survival. They regret it horribly now but they’re a lot older.
They want to live with their father so bad it hurts and they tried so hard to convince her but she said no. One thing, it scared their mother to death and at least now, she is treating them nicer. My granddaughter finally got a bed and doesn’t sleep on the floor anymore, she wasn’t even allowed to sleep on the couch “because it is new”.
Yeah, I just had my second child, and death seems preferable to divorce.
Go home and hug your kids and tell them you love them.
The resistance of the shyster lobby on purely political grounds to accept PA as a reality, is an indictment of the ethics of the entire domestic law establishment.
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