How to handle tantrum-throwing kids

Not sure what to do when your tantrum-throwing child embarrasses you at the department store? Well, an expert has offered some advice to parents on how to react in such situations.

Chuck Smith, a Kansas State University child development expert, said that when children act out in public, parents don’t always know how best to respond.

He said that the proper way to react depends on a number of factors including the child’s age, the purpose of the public outing and whether the child’s behaviour even needs to be corrected.

Smith said that the golden rule for parents is to set reasonable expectations and to stick to your guns when enforcing them.

"Many parents are concerned with the glare of onlookers, so they’ll let their kids get away with things because of the threat. You can’t let a child leverage your own sense of embarrassment in public to get what he or she wants. It’s not that you ignore the public, but you have to decide where your real priority is -- and that is with teaching your child. You can’t ever lose focus on that," Smith said.

First, Smith said parents should work on developing age-appropriate rules about how their children should behave in public. For example, asking a 5-year-old to be quiet in church is probably unreasonable. On the other hand, expecting that child to keep food in their mouth during a meal at a restaurant is not.

When a child misbehaves, Smith said it’s useful to gently remind them of the rules by asking them whether they can recall what they are supposed to do.

"Then, when they look at you in a confused manner, you firmly remind them of the rule. You don’t ever punish a child for something they didn’t know they weren’t supposed to do," Smith said.

Whatever the behaviour, parents also have to decide whether it’s worth correcting. For example, parents often will negotiate with a child who continues to whine about not getting a toy from the store. Smith calls that sort of behaviour from children irrelevant and adds that it’s perfectly valid to ignore it.

"Any response to whining or crying, even punishment, shows that a child is in control and is pulling a parent’s strings. The parent should rise above this noise and remain steadfast to the limit they set. You have to be smarter than the kid and realize that you are not going to be drawn into this," Smith said.

If the parent succumbs to that sort of behaviour - even once – they’ll have a long road to hoe before the child will take them seriously again, Smith said.

"If you give in, you are going to have lots of temper tantrums before they realize that doesn’t work. The child will remember that throwing a fit worked that one time. Gradually, they’ll realize that throwing a temper tantrum isn’t worth the energy, but it will take a lot longer and will take a toll on both the parents and child," Smith said.

In situations where a child is being a nuisance, Smith said it’s also important for members of the public not to make the situation worse.

Unless there is obvious abuse going on, it’s best to not intervene unless you are offering help to the parent. "Parents need to be appreciated for the hard work they do. Never assume you know what’s going on. You have no idea how this child normally reacts and what this parent is going through," Smith said.

"You can say something like, ''I’m sure it’s been a long day for you, what can I do to give you a hand? You’re recognizing that person’s struggle and if they’re on the edge of doing or saying something inappropriate, you’re helping to bring them back to reality," Smith said.

My dad (who was a career naval officer) rarely hit us. He would usually advance at us slowly, speaking in a very low, slow menacing voice:

DAD: “What...did...I...tell...you...about...hitting...your...sister?” (As we backed up and he advanced, he would cock his hand so that it was nearly hovering in front of his left shoulder, knuckles out. As this entire exchange takes place, my dad would slowly and inexorably back us into a corner or other area with no escape)

US: “...not to do it...” (haltingly)

DAD: “You dumb bunny...don’t you understand english?”

US: “...yes...” (timidly)

DAD: “Yes WHAT?” (voice rising slightly)

US: “...yes SIR...”

DAD: “Apologize to your sister, and if I hear any more of this, you are going to regret it.”

US: “Yes Sir.”

At this point, he would back out of the way, and it was clear you were expected to walk by him out of the trap you were in.

This was the most dangerous spot which we all dreaded. As you passed, his hand, which had been cocked the whole time, would give you a short whack to the occipital bone on the back of your skull. His heavy gold Holy Cross ring with the big red stone, would put a small, stinging dent there as his wrist flicked at the end.

We feared his voice and his Holy Cross ring. But this was what he did when we were in our mid-teens.

When we were younger, and my mother had had too much of our misbehavoir, she would send us up to our rooms. As my dad entered the front door, we could hear them talking in low, uninintelligible voices.

As my father mounted the stairs, mixed in with his heavy footfalls, we would hear the metal clink of the belt buckle and the swoosh of the belt as he pulled it out with a flourish.

Then, like a hangman testing the trapdoor for his gallows, my father would fold the dreaded belt double, holding in in both hands and vigorously snap it several times.

Upon hearing this, we would quail and back away from the door...he would enter, using the same voice and flail at us with the belt. We would cry and squirm, but...the belt never hurt. It was all show. There was nothing behind his poorly aimed swings at your legs, and the ones that did hit didn’t hurt at all. But we got the point...

However, we feared my mother.

The belt was her tool of choice, and with her Italian and Armenian heritage, she wielded it with righteous anger and a wild excess of emotion and power, shrieking like a banshee at us as she did it.

She left red welts on our legs, and we always realized that my three brothers and two sisters had pushed her too far when my dad was out at sea in the Navy. For many years, she had to handle the six of us by herself, and for our deliberate tortures, she was justified in delivering the belt.

Well, at least that is what we think TODAY...:)

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