Dateline 2032 — Wayward citizen 1479-B was killed today as he attempted to escape a designated Low-Carb Zone in South Central Barackville. Residents of the city, formerly known as Los Angeles before the Tea Bag wars of 201—thanked Dear Leader Obama for protecting them from a dangerous Coca-Cola outbreak as they lined up at the post office to receive their free government toothbrushes in honor of the beloved one birthday.