I think of killing myself every once in a while- I am sick and stressed and tired all the time but think of two things- my family (mom especially who I take care of) and the shock the paramedics would find in my messy apt (truthfully this crosses my mind every time). I have a brother with kids who would miss me terribly too. Also many friends who would be devastated. I also have things I want to do- paintings and maybe a book if I could get a ghostwriter. I also talk about it to friends. After giving up booze and drugs, I think of suicide before drinking. I also think of a kid I knew in school who tried to kill himself, but instead ended up in a wheelchair. Talking helps a lot. I know I won’t do it, because I don’t want to. It just pops into my head when I am vulnerable. I know a few people who have killed themselves, and they never talked about it and it devastated the survivors.
I am praying for you as well. I had those thoughts as a teen, and I know the way that feels. It was a dark and icky place to be.