Man:
Is this the right room for an argument?
Other Man:(John Cleese)
I've told you once.
Man:
No you haven't!
Other Man:
Yes I have.
Man:
When?
Other Man:
Just now.
Man:
No you didn't!
Other Man: Yes I did!
Man:
You didn't!
Other Man:
I did!
Man:
You didn't!
Other Man:
I'm telling you, I did!
Man:
You did not!
Other Man:
Oh I'm sorry, is this a five minute argument, or the full half hour?
Man:
Ah!
(taking out his wallet and paying)
Just the five minutes.
Other Man:
Just the five minutes. Thank you. Anyway, I did.
Man:
You most certainly did not!
Other Man:
Now let's get one thing quite clear: I most definitely told you!
Man:
Oh no you didn't!
Other Man:
Oh yes I did!
Man:
Oh no you didn't!
Other Man:
Oh yes I did!
Man:
Oh no you didn't!
Other Man:
Oh yes I did!
Man:
Oh no you didn't!
Other Man:
Oh yes I did!
Man:
Oh no you didn't!
Other Man:
Oh yes I did!
Man:
Oh no you didn't!
Other Man:
Oh yes I did!
Man:
No you DIDN'T!
Other Man:
Oh yes I did!
Man:
No you DIDN'T!
Other Man:
Oh yes I did!
Man:
No you DIDN'T!
Other Man:
Oh yes I did!
Man:
Oh look, this isn't an argument!
(pause)
Other Man:
Yes it is!
Man:
No it isn't!
(pause)
Man:
It's just contradiction!
Other Man:
No it isn't!
Man:
It IS!
Other Man:
It is NOT!
Man:
You just contradicted me!
Other Man:
No I didn't!
Man:
You DID!
Other Man:
No no no!
Man:
You did just then!
Other Man:
Nonsense!
Man:
(exasperated) Oh, this is futile!!
(pause)
Other Man:
No it isn't!
Man:
Yes it is!
(pause)
Man:
I came here for a good argument!
Other Man:
AH, no you didn't, you came here for an argument!
Man:
An argument isn't just contradiction.
Other Man:
Well! it CAN be!
Man:
No it can't!
Man:
An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.
Other Man:
No it isn't!
Man:
Yes it is! ‘tisn’t just contradiction.
Other Man:
Look, if I “argue” with you, I must take up a contrary position!
Man:
Yes but it isn't just saying ‘no it isn't’.
Other Man:
Yes it is!
Man:
No it isn't!
Other Man:
Yes it is!
Man:
No it isn't!
Other Man:
Yes it is!
Man:
No it ISN'T! Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says.
Other Man:
It is NOT!
Man:
It is!
Other Man:
Not at all!
Man:
It is!
(The Arguer hits a bell on his desk and stops.)
Other Man:
Thank you, that's it.
Man:
(stunned) What?
Other Man:
That's it. Good morning.
Man:
But I was just getting interested!
Other Man:
I'm sorry, the five minutes is up.
Man:
That was never five minutes just now!!
Other Man:
I'm afraid it was.
Man:
(leading on) No it wasn't.....
Other Man:
I'm sorry, I'm not allowed to argue any more.
Man:
WHAT??
Other Man:
If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes.
Man:
But that was never five minutes just now!
Oh Come on!
Oh this is...
This is ridiculous!
Other Man:
I told you... I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you PAY!
Man:
Oh all right.
(takes out his wallet and pays again.)
There you are.
Other Man:
Thank you.
Man:
(clears throat) Well...
Other Man:
Well WHAT?
Man:
That was never five minutes just now.
Other Man:
I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!
Man:
Well I just paid!
Other Man:
No you didn't!
Man:
I DID!!!
Other Man:
YOU didn't!
Man:
I DID!!!
Other Man:
YOU didn't!
Man:
I DID!!!
Other Man:
YOU didn't!
Man:
I DID!!!
Other Man:
YOU didn't!
Man:
I don't want to argue about it!
Other Man:
Well I'm very sorry but you didn't pay!
Man:
Ah hah! Well if I didn't pay, why are you arguing???
Ah HAAAAAAHHH! Gotcha!
Other Man:
No you haven't!
Man:
Yes I have! If you're arguing, I must have paid.
Other Man:
Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.
Man:
I've had enough of this!
Other Man:
No you haven't.
Man:
Oh shut up!