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In Humanae Vitae, Pope Paul VI outlined the criteria for “grave motives” to avoid a pregnancy. The couple must be limited by financial, psychological, physical, or social factors.

http://www.ccli.org/news/magazine/afeature-04.php
The Best Plan
Living out the values we had chosen
http://www.ccli.org/news/magazine/afeature-04.php
Like most engaged couples, we set goals for our life together. As we progressed toward our wedding date, we constructed an idea of what our life would be in “The Five-Year Plan.” We wanted as large a family as we could afford; we anticipated three or four children, but hoped for more. Our “Plan” was formed by values created by society — self-fulfillment and material comfort. The life we hoped to live was one that appeared to be easy for us and would have impressed our family, friends, and neighbors. The thought of pleasing God by exercising stewardship over our material gains — no matter how few or many — by living a life of sacrifice, and by building a relationship with God as a means of fulfillment had not occurred to us. The question of children — when and how many — was adapted to our wills in consideration of our comfort.

After our engagement, Sonia went on the Pill. We knew that the Catholic Church prohibits the use of birth control, however, we thought that meant we weren’t to avoid pregnancy at any time for any reason by any means. Our perception of the teaching led us to envision an endless stream of children spaced nine months apart. It never occurred to us that there was a licit, effective method to avoid pregnancy, one based on God’s design of the female body.

By the time we made an Engaged Encounter, Sonia was experiencing side effects associated with the Pill. Jack did not like seeing her suffer for the sake of “worry-free, whenever-you-want-it” sex.

The Engaged Encounter included a talk on Natural Family Planning (NFP). What impressed us most about NFP was learning that it is an effective method of birth regulation without any side effects. We were also pleased to learn it is inexpensive to use! The shared responsibility was an enticing aspect. Most of all, it was a relief for us to learn that the Catholic Church approved of a sound method of spacing children. This was the first time either of us had heard the Church’s true teaching on birth control.

The following week, we enrolled in a course taught by CCL, and Sonia threw away her Pills.

The class taught us many things. We learned how to use the Sympto-Thermal Method effectively. We learned much about the biology of a woman’s body. We learned that contraception, like all sin, can damage and potentially ruin a marriage. We heard the call to married couples to be open to God’s will in planning their families.

Between the knowledge we had gained in the classes and the clarity of Sonia’s charts, it became apparent to her that her next fertile time would correspond with our wedding. A call to our Teaching Couple confirmed the probability.

This came as a bit of a surprise to us. While we had considered the possibility of Sonia being fertile during our honeymoon, we did not think it was probable that we would face being fertile at that time.

We had made the decision to use NFP by logic; however, our moral and religious convictions had grown strong. We began to realize that following God’s plan for marriage means more than not sinning to avoid pregnancy; it means being generous. In order to use NFP in the proper moral context, God needed to be part of “the Plan.” We had been looking upon Him as a silent partner. We had to recognize that part of letting God into our marriage meant having Him be a vocal, active partner.

We had committed ourselves, in word, to making God a part of our marriage. We would be married in the Church making our union a Sacrament and a covenant between God and ourselves. Next, we had to commit ourselves, by our actions, to the covenant among the three of us.

We had to make a decision that would uphold the values that we had decided would guide our marriage. We had three choices: use contraception on our honeymoon, abstain on our honeymoon, or have relations during the fertile time and leave it in the Lord’s hands.

We had firmly decided that contraception would have no place in our marriage. We did not want to separate the unitive and procreative aspects of the sexual act; we wanted our marital relations as God had intended them to be. Therefore, contraception would have negated any presence of the Lord in our marriage and, this, would have denied the values we had wanted to guide our marriage.

Abstaining on our honeymoon would have adhered to our moral convictions. Also, it would have given us complete assurance that conception would not occur. But conscious abstinence during the fertile time, without “grave motives” (HV n. 10), would mean refusing the Lord’s offer of a child. In the wedding ceremony, we would be asked if we would accept children willingly and lovingly. “When we want to,” would not be an acceptable answer.

We had to rethink our circumstances using Christian prudence and generosity. Was preventing a pregnancy completely necessary? Were our reasons for avoiding pregnancy valid? In Humanae Vitae, Pope Paul VI outlined the criteria for “grave motives” to avoid a pregnancy. The couple must be limited by financial, psychological, physical, or social factors. We began to see that the criteria by which we judged our readiness to start a family were selfish and that choosing a morally licit method of avoiding pregnancy was not enough for us to follow Christ.

Thus, after much prayer and discussion, we chose to consummate our marriage covenant on our honeymoon — without desecrating the meaning of the marital act — and to allow God to exercise His Will as He saw fit. Ironically, we found ourselves worried that we would not conceive! We realized that by letting the Lord have dominion over our family, we were letting Him decide. We also realized He could say no.

With the Sympto-Thermal Method, a couple needs only to see the woman’s temperature elevated for 21 days to know, with 99% certainty, that they have achieved pregnancy. For us, excitement won out and Sonia had a pregnancy test at the college health services department on the first day of classes for the spring semester.

We had agreed to wait until the evening to discuss the results. As Jack rode the Metro that evening, he looked around in amazement at the families that crowded the train. The train at that time of day was usually full of business people. Many of the families carried signs which read “Choose Life” and other pro-life slogans as they returned home from the March for Life. Sonia did not need to tell him what the results were!

Jonathan Owen was born about nine months later!

Now, almost 10 years later, Jonathan is still our one and only. It has been during this time that we have been blessed to learn firsthand of the flip side of Humanae Vitae — that love and life cannot be separated even to conceive a child. Man cannot push God’s hand and demand a child.

We live in a society where couples and individuals have tried to separate love and life. Couples and individuals are able to have sex without bearing children, to have children when they want to bear them, abort them when they don’t want them, and have a doctor make them when they can’t make them. By following the call of Humanae Vitae, CCL teaches couples to cooperate with God and accept His will. This education has been the tool that opened our marriage to the graces that God wishes to bestow upon every married couple.

As faithful Catholics, we live in a community of believers that generously endeavors to counteract the Culture of Death. In this facet of society, it is important to avoid the perception that a large family equals holiness, lest we fall into spiritual pride or discontent with the blessings God has given us.

When a couple understands Humanae Vitae, they can hear the call to exercise both prudence and generosity in the practice of responsible parenthood. They also have the knowledge that reminds them to exercise charity when noting the size of other families. Only God knows a couple’s heart.

Some time ago, Sonia was given insight to God’s ways by the mother of seven boys. The mother had said that the challenges of raising a large family had been the source of so many graces for her and her husband. Sonia quipped that we must have a long way to go because we do not have enough children. “That’s not true!” replied the mother. “God has given you the family that will bring you closer to Him!”

Every family has a story. The ones we find most beautiful are the ones where the final word of the husband and wife is “Thy Will Be Done.” In those families we hear God’s gentle laughter in the voice of one child, many children, or the countless spiritual children touched by a barren couple.

— Jack and Sonia Ferraro are CCL members in Manassas, Virginia. They also served as a CCL Teaching Couple from 1994 to 2002.