I’d use a woodchipper.
Yeah... I was thinking maybe a lunchmeat slicer, but the same idea.
Oh, and he should have bleach and boiling water pouring over him while being sliced (or chipped) up. Just for accuracy.
Rumours abound that Vlad also ate the flesh, and drank the blood of his enemies, often holding dinner parties next to the freshly impaled. He was very proud of his work, and anyone who showed disdain while looking upon the thousands of putrefying corpses would soon suffer the same fate. Vlad liked to arrange the impaled in circular patterns, the length of the stakes determined by the victim's rank; this way, wealthy, or powerful opponents would plainly see they were not above the law. Impalements were carried out in a variety of ways, During his reign, Vlad Dracula also had people decapitated, had their eyes gouged out, had them skinned alive, boiled, burnt, dismembered, eviscerated, or sometimes just physically disfigured for his own amusement. In one particular incident, Turkish ambassadors who had refused to remove their Phrygian caps in his presence were asked why they insulted him in such a manner. When they replied it was because their hats had to remain on their heads according to custom, he graciously honored their tradition by ordering their hats permanently nailed to their heads, never to be removed again.
tree-chain-blowtorch. slowly.
Very slowly. Very very slowly.
Feet first?