French Lessons

Times-Herald 0f Vallejo, CA ^ | June 6, 2008 | Malcolm Donahoo

[UScbass]

Not having Barack Obama's free pass when it comes to plagiarism, I confess at the outset that the following is not entirely original. Although I have exercised my own poetic license with the material, variations of the "You could have heard a pin drop" series are popping up on the Internet with the frequency of embarrassing remarks by the presidential contenders' ministers.

I get a kick out of these vignettes on two levels. First, they smack of a belligerent patriotism that gladdens my conservative soul. Second, they mock the French, and who doesn't enjoy that?

* * *

At an embassy party in Paris, an American general heard a French diplomat categorize the U.S. mission in Iraq as "just an example of empire-building" by President Bush.

"Over the years," the general responded, "the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those who did not return."

You could have heard a pin drop.

* * *

At a gathering of international engineers in France, a representative of the host country was spouting off during a break. "Have you heard about the latest stunt by Bush?" he demanded. "He sent an aircraft carrier to Myanmar to help the storm victims. What does he intend to do, bomb them?"

A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: "Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can reat several hundred people. They are nuclear-powered and can supply emergency electricity to shore facilities. They have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters to transport victims. We have 11 such ships. How many does France have?"

You could have heard a pin drop.

* * *

A U.S. admiral was at a reception attended by personnel from the American, British, Canadian, Australian and French navies. Everyone was chatting in English as they sipped their drinks, and a French officer took offense. "Europeans learn many languages; Americans know only English," he said with a sniff. "Why are we all speaking English now when we could be speaking French?"

Without hesitating, the American admiral replied: "Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German."

You could have heard a pin drop.

* * *

A group of American retirees went to France on a tour. They arrived in Paris by plane and began filing through French customs, but one elderly gentleman of 83 had trouble locating his passport.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked in a snooty tone.

"Yes, once," the visitor replied.

"Then you should know to have your passport ready," the officer snipped.

"The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it," the American said.

"Impossible!" was the reply. "Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France."

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long, hard look before answering. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a Frenchman to show it to."

You could have heard a pin drop.

[petro45acp]

Non-bathing, wine-swilling, cheese-eating surrender monkeys!

Agree, these are great!

[dfwgator]

In 1966 upon being told that Charles DeGaulle had taken France out of NATO and that all U.S. Troops must be evacuated off of French soil, President Lyndon Johnson told Secretary of State Dean Rusk: “Ask him about the cemeteries Dean!”

So at end of the meeting Dean did ask DeGaulle if his order to remove all U.S. troops from French soil also included the 60,000+ soldiers buried in France from World War I and World War II.

* You could have heard a pin drop *