Posted on 05/07/2008 12:49:13 PM PDT by firehat
JOHN McCAIN -
TALK LIKE A PIPSQUEAK, WALK LIKE A PENGUIN ©
by Norman Liebmann
John McCain’s liberal bias is not subtle, it is creepy. Having long been a centrist, he has finally bored his way into the middle of the center where mediocrity focuses and thrives. It is time to recognize that John McCain is not just a moderate Republican, he is a stealth Democrat. Contrary to the conventional wisdom, he does not reach across the aisle, he tunnels under it. Reaching across the aisle he needs a narrower aisle and/or longer flippers. McCain says he can work with the Democrats – presumably as easily as he worked his charm on the Hanoi Hilton guards.
In nominating John McCain, the Moderates saw it as a unique instrument to bring down the Republican Party with friendly fire. McCain has come to the extraordinary determination that the way to be elected President is not by running opposite the Democrats but by running parallel to them. Perhaps John McCain will have found his rightful place to ventilate his political philosophy as the Keynote Speaker at the Democrat Convention. It would be the same old pale platitudes he’s already orated in every state in the country. His words waft on an airy and aimless discontinuity. John McCain has adapted John F. Kennedy’s slogan, “Ask not what your country can do for you” – ask rather whatever comes to mind.
It would be ironic if the contest were between Barack Obama, a person of color, and John McCain, an almost wraith-like aspect, who appears to be whitening away before our eyes as though Tom Sawyer had given him a second coat. McCain’s snow-capped appearance makes him look like a stunted ski slope.
Veterans of Lyndon Johnson’s misadventure in the paddies of Southeast Asia still hold two unforgivable grudges against the Vietnamese - the Tet offensive, and making a hero out of John McCain. McCain’s war record has been challenged so often, he may yet be awarded The Congressional Medal of Dubious. (This item would break the record for accompanying asterisks.)
John McCain no longer needs to remind us that he was an inmate in the Hanoi Hilton. It has long been in the fabric of our consciousness. Still Americans might do well to consider that captivity is not a qualification for public office. McCain has gotten more mileage out of his stay in the Hanoi Hilton than the Hell’s Angels have gotten out of their Harleys. He refused the Hanoi Hilton’s Commandant’s offer of early release. Perhaps imprisonment turned out to be more fun than he thought it would be.
TEMPERAMENT
John McCain is America’s Cranky McFarland. He’s got a bed with two wrong sides to get out of.
McCain has a tendency toward an occasional snit – like a gerbil that got off its leash. For all his reputation for emotional volatility, more notable are his frequent outbursts of timidity.
It is not enough for John McCain to be known as Little Goody Two Shoes. As President he will finally be acknowledged as Big Goody Two Shoes. As a political intelligence, John McCain not only doesn’t know what to do – he doesn’t know who to ask. He would surprise no one by selecting Bill Moyers as his Vice–Echo. A red telephone in his Presidential office would be a hot line to Information.
McCain seeks to govern by tantrum. It seems apparent he wants to run his campaign according to girl’s basketball rules. 2008 may be America’s first Presidential half-court election.
For a man reputed to have a volcanic temper, McCain displays the obsequious demeanor of a men’s room attendant. A McCain/Obama debate will resemble two obliging attendees trying to brush the lint off each other’s shoulders.
Senator McCain is conducting a polite campaign much as George Bush ran a polite war. Had he lived in Ancient Rome, McCain would be at pains to explain to the Christian martyrs the point of view of the lions. (Presumably he could have convinced his fellow inmates at the Hanoi Hilton that the guards had some good points too – though they were at the tips of their bayonets.)
POSITIONS
John McCain is the nation’s most dedicated middle-of-the-roader. As President, it is not known whether he would carry moderation to excess or practice excess in moderation. In either event, Americans can only hope neither is contagious. Moderates are mutants who, like Mexicans, cannot be made to go back to that germ-ridden planet they came from.
In choosing John McCain as its standard bearer, the Republican Party not only gave up on his chance to succeed, but also denied him a chance to fail. McCain continues to wound himself with self-inflicted opinions. Republicans are taking casualties from McCain’s offhand remarks which they feel obliged to rationalize as “friendly fire”.
After America poured scorn on McCain’s immigration pronouncements, he backed off – but it is a tactical detour. His position on illegal aliens remains pro-Aztec.
The McCain/Feingold Bill gave the First Amendment a Constitutional hysterectomy. McCain sees political correctness as the subtle doctrine that proclaims the best way to deal with freedom of speech is just to let it die out.
The Senator seems to be proposing that the terrorists be removed from Guantanamo to a Catskill Mountain resort where they would receive more tender loving care than they are getting at Camp X-ray. He wants to outlaw water boarding and perhaps replace it with footbaths. (Each terrorist would be limited to ten minutes in the rinse cycle.) Consistently, he might consider reducing the murder of three thousand Americans at the World Trade Center to a misdemeanor.
McCain became the Democrats’ favorite Republican since they found out he has a black belt in knuckling under. His closest associate in the Senate is Teddy Kennedy, the Senior Drunk from Massachusetts. Electing John McCain will be tantamount to relocating the Oval Office up Teddy’s axx. (The Kennedy/McCain Bill on which they colluded demonstrated clearly that either Kennedy should taper off or McCain should taper on.)
Environmentalists fully expect that, as President, John McCain would declare a National Take a Tree to Lunch Week.
McCain has blamed the Republicans in Washington for Hurricane Katrina. He seems to have exonerated the wind, the water, and the endless succession of corrupt Democrat politicians that have long dominated New Orleans. Considering his heated denunciations of George Bush, McCain and Cindy Sheehan should check into a Motel 6 and see if they kind find a better use for all that heat.
In an effort to stop the Republican Party in North Carolina from using film clips of Jeremiah Wright in campaign materials, McCain has demonstrated his willingness to go anywhere and do anything to safeguard Barack Obama’s image as the mulatto messiah.
Republicans expect to lose Congress, and have already reconciled themselves to be collateral damage of the ill-fated McCain campaign. That slick stuff all over the North Carolina Republican Party’s honor is McCain’s saliva. These Southern conservatives have been known to take offense, and may withdraw their invitation to the Senator for him to present the Idi Amin Award to Barack Obama anywhere within the Tar Heel State.
McCAIN THE AMBIGUITY
John McCain does not acknowledge his advanced age as a problem, although he likes to have his picture taken standing next to a grandfather clock so he can look younger by comparison. It is fitting that he is the Senator from Arizona, which is less of a state than it is a retirement village. John McCain has passed elderly and has moved on to olderly. He advocates open borders to assure himself a steady supply of illegal Geritol. Even his doctor must tell him it’s time for him to slow down. McCain’s constituents say it’s time for him to quit politics first – and then slow down. (John McCain is receiving a 100% disability payment – but, as President, that limitation may be among the first goal posts he can decide to move.)
McCain has moved beyond the polite rules of the Marquis of Queensbury, but prefers to altercate like the Queen of Marquisbury. So far, his campaign has been the worst travesty of a fight since Sonny Liston got knocked out by a punch that never landed.
If John McCain wins the Presidency, it will be because he is the best of the worst – and because he is the default choice of voters who continue to long for mediocrity in high places. John McCain graduated sixth from the bottom of his class at Annapolis. There are rumors among the midshipmen that he actually hit the very bottom but bounced up to sixth. McCain consoles himself that his sixth position was at least at the top of the bottom. As a Navy pilot his shipmates were inspired to give him the nickname John McCrash. His fellow pilots said his only problem as a pilot was remembering which direction is Up.
John McCain has not yet run out of ploys with which to emasculate the Republican Party, and is baffled as to why they do not love him for it. Nothing is more disheartening than the simpering campaign he is running against the Democrats. Still, some conservatives say they will vote for John McCain – warts and all. Most of them feel compelled to vote for the warts – John McCain and all.
***
Conservatives better unite like never before or we’re all doomed along with the country and that includes your children and grandchildren’s futures and freedom. IMO, we’re facing our second Civil War.
We know.
So why are you rubbing this in our face now?
It’s not like we can change the Republican nominee at this stage of the game — as much as many of us would like to.
Your caustic wit is a bit wasted here.
“McCain has a tendency toward an occasional snit –”
Whereas many FReepers live in eternal snit.
“It’s not like we can change the Republican nominee at this stage of the game — as much as many of us would like to.”
Why not?
We did not choose him, we do not want him, and if we keep him, he will lose, and bring good people down with him.
“Veterans of Lyndon Johnson’s misadventure in the paddies of Southeast Asia still hold two unforgivable grudges against the Vietnamese - the Tet offensive, and making a hero out of John McCain. McCain’s war record has been challenged so often, he may yet be awarded The Congressional Medal of Dubious. (This item would break the record for accompanying asterisks.)”
DU-worthy trash. Really disgusting.
McCain is 5% Republican 95% of the time. He will destroy what is left of Republican Party and leave conservatives without a home. I see dark days ahead.
It’s not like we can change the Republican nominee at this stage of the game
Stranger things have happened, and if we ever needed a strange happening - now is the time!
“We did not choose him, we do not want him, and if we keep him..”
You got a mouse in your pocket? Who is “we”?
How? Give me a plan that has a 10 percent chance of success and I’ll listen.
He wasn’t my candidate to begin with, he’s not my candidate now, I don’t like the guy, I have NEVER liked the guy, but apparently a lot of other people do.
Kvetching about how much you dislike the guy at this stage of the game is pointless.
Hahaha! Love the illustrative text!
I’m voting for strange
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