Howie column ping
Marathon Monday: Time to run ... away
By Howie Carr | Sunday, April 20, 2008 | http://www.bostonherald.com | Columnists
My dream is finally coming true.
Tomorrow, when the Boston Marathon turns much of the region into one gigantic traffic jam, I will be serenely unaffected.
I will be in Florida.
Yes, I understand that the Marathon is a world-class event, but you know, how many years of reflected glory can one man bask in?
As Ronald Reagan might have put it, once you’ve seen one anorexic Beautiful Person openly squatting to do “number two” in somebody’s front yard in Hopkinton, you’ve seen them all. Once you’ve inhaled the fragrant aroma of an overturned porta-potty on Comm Ave, or seen one drunken Boston College coed handcuffed to a lamppost outside Mary Ann’s and covered with vomit, you’ve seen - and smelled - them all.
I’ve been a part of Marathon Monday for so many years. The event was saved, after all, by the thoroughly corrupt John Hancock Insurance Co., since sold to foreigners by the local greedheads who took all the bows for crippling the 617 and 781 area codes one day a year. My connection is that I was there, in federal court, when the state rep whom John Hancock bribed with Super Bowl tickets (as well as 121 other assorted gifts) was sentenced to prison.
You can’t get much closer to the true meaning of the modern-day Boston Marathon than that, unless maybe you’re a Kenyan.
If only my entire family had been able to flee the impending annual disaster along with me. But it was not to be, and I’ve never really been a subscriber to that whole women-and-children-first thing anyway. When it comes to escaping the Marathon, it’s every man for himself. My 13-year-old daughter remains behind, a hostage to Marathon greed. She will spend tonight at a friend’s house about a mile from where we live.
The problem is, to walk home tomorrow, Charlotte will have to cross the Marathon route. And that is not permitted. That is why the local constabulary will be out in force collecting detail pay tomorrow to prevent taxpayers from using their own roads, so that non-residents, and in many cases non-Americans, can halt commerce and tie up traffic to a fare-thee-well in order to pocket a few shekels. Tough luck, Charlotte.
“What happens if I’m late?” she asked me as I threw clothes into a suitcase before going on the lam. “Why do I have to stand on the other side of Route 16 for hours?”
I looked at her and repeated those familiar words that Marathon apologists always use whenever anyone complains about being hassled for no good reason:
“That’s YOUR problem!”
No joke, that’s their answer to every complaint. You say you’re sick and they deliver your oxygen every Monday and you can’t get another delivery for a whole week?
That’s YOUR problem!
You’re not a hack, you don’t have Patriots [team stats] Day off, and you’re going to lose a whole day of sales calls in MetroWest, and who’s going to pay you for your lost time?
That’s YOUR problem!
You need to get to the post office, which will be open tomorrow, but every street is blocked off by surly cops and drunk college boys?
That’s YOUR problem!
What’s almost as irritating is the fact that we’re all supposed to be so darn happy about it. This boondoggle is as disruptive as any hurricane or blizzard, but at least you don’t have to pretend to be giddy about a weather emergency. This weekend, when emaciated jerks with trust funds dart out in front of your car against the light, you’re supposed to give them a nice wave and think, “They’re bringing so much money to Boston.”
I was printing up my JetBlue [JBLU] boarding passes to West Palm, but Charlotte kept asking me stupid questionslike: Why can’t they run it on a weekend? And of course the ultimate question that I used to ask myself: Why me? Why are these fools bothering me?
Before heading off to Logan, I could think of only one response for the kid when she asked the why-me question, and you know what my answer was.
That’s YOUR problem!
Article URL: http://www.bostonherald.com/news/opinion/columnists/view.bg?articleid=1088320
>>you don’t have Patriots [team stats] Day off
uh, whomever does the Herald website—there is no need to
do a link to the Patriots’ team stats as the holiday is
NOT named after the football team. Unless they were just being a wiseass :)
Okay, I’m in California, and never been to either event in that fine city, but is there any chance Howie might have confused Boston Marathon Monday with St. Pat’s?
He’ll be in FL... but his lawn will still be pee’d on.
My business involves a lot of driving in and around the Philadelphia metropolitan area. Those two scumbags Obama and Clinton have been tying up traffic for three weeks now. (I know, I know... that’s MY problem.) Thank God the Pennsylvania primary vote will finally be over on Tuesday night.