Once again... a Starbucks moment with Jackie Mason
Jackie Masons take on Starbucks.....
You want coffee in a coffee shop, thats 60 cents. But at Starbucks, if its Cafe Latte: $3.50. Cafe Creamier: $4.50. Caffe Suisse: $9.50. For each French word, another four dollars. Why does a little cream in coffee make it worth $3.50?
Go into any coffee shop; theyll give you all the cream you want until youre blue in the face. Forty million people are walking around in coffee shops with jars of cream: Heres all the cream you want! And its still 60 cents. You know why? Because its called coffee.
You want cinnamon in your coffee? Ask for cinnamon in a coffee shop; theyll give you all the cinnamon you want. Do they ask you for more money because its cinnamon? Its the same price for cinnamon in your coffee as for coffee without cinnamon - 60 cents, thats it.
But not in Starbucks. Over there, its Cinnamonnier - $9.50. You want a refill in a regular coffee shop, theyll give you all the refills you want until you drop dead. You can come in when youre 27 and keep drinking coffee until youre 98. And theyll start begging you: Here, you want more coffee, you want more, you want more?
Do you know that you cant get a refill at Starbucks? A refill is a dollar fifty. two refills, $4.50. Three refills, $19.50 So, for four cups of coffee - $35.00. And its burnt coffee. Its burnt coffee at Starbucks, lets be honest about it. If you get burnt coffee in a coffee shop, you call a cop. You say, Its the bottom of the pot. I dont drink from the bottom of the pot. But when its burnt at Starbucks, they say, Oh, its a blend. Its a special bean from Argentina..... The bean is in your head.
And therere no chairs in those Starbucks. Instead, they have these high stools. You ever see these stools? You havent been on a chair that high since you were two. Seventy-three year old Jews are climbing and climbing to get to the top of the chair. And when they get to the top, they cant even drink the coffee because there are 12 people around one little table, and everybodys saying, Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me..... Then they cant get off the chair. Old Jews are begging Gentiles, Mister, could you get me off this?
Do you remember what a cafeteria was? In poor neighborhoods all over this country, they went to a cafeteria because there were no waiters and no service. And so poor people could save money on a tip. Cafeterias didnt have regular tables or chairs either. They gave coffee to you in a cardboard cup. So because of that you paid less for the coffee. You got less, so you paid less.
Its all the same at Starbucks - no chairs, no service, a cardboard cup for your coffee - except in Starbucks, the less you get, the more it costs. By the time they give you nothing, its worth four times much.
Am I exaggerating? Did you ever try to buy a cookie in Starbucks? Buy a cookie in a regular coffee shop. You can tear down a building with that cookie. And the whole cookie is 60 cents. At Starbucks, youre going to have to hire a detective to find that cookie, and its $9.50. And you cant put butter on it because they want extra. Do you know that if you buy a bagel, you pay extra for cream cheese in Starbucks?
Cream cheese, another 60 Cents. A knife to put it on, 32 cents. If it reaches the bagel, 48 cents. That bagel costs you $312.
And they dont give you the butter or the cream cheese. They dont give it to you. They tell you where it is. Oh, you want butter? Its over there. Cream cheese? Over here. Sugar? Sugar is here. Now you become your own waiter. You walk around with a tray. Ill take the cookie. Wheres the butter? The butters here. Wheres the cream cheese?
The cream cheese is there. You walked around for an hour and a half selecting items, and then the guy at the cash register has a glass in front of him that says Tips.
Youre waiting on tables for an hour, and you owe him money? Then theres a sign that says please clean it up when youre finished.
They dont give you a waiter or a busboy. Now youve become the janitor. Now you have to start cleaning up the place. Old Jews are walking around cleaning up Starbucks. Oh, hes got dirt too? Wait, Ill clean this up. They clean up the place for an hour and a half.
If I said to you, I have a great idea for a business. Ill open a whole new type of a coffee shop. A whole new type. Instead of 60 cents for coffee Ill charge $2.50, $3.50, $4.50, and $5.50. Not only that, Ill have no tables, no chairs, no water, no busboy, and youll clean it up for 20 minutes after youre finished. Would you say to me, Thats the greatest idea for a business I ever heard! We can open a chain of these all over the world! No, you would put me right into a sanitarium.
Starbucks can only get away with it because they have French titles for everything, bastard sons-of-a-bitches. And I say this with the highest respect, because I dont like to talk about people.
LOL Jackie Mason pwnz Starbucks!
“Boint coffee”
I cant get you-tube here at work, but if you google it you can see the video and it is so much better with the NY pronunciations.....
That’s a pretty good rant.
Jackie Mason is a National Treasure. Thanks for posting that
Thank you very much for the good morning chuckle. I am going to forward this to my husband, who should get a good laugh out of this. I have to admit - I like Starbucks - when I was pregnant: I always ordered the Venti-Caramel Macchiato, with Whipped Cream and Caramel Sauce drizzled on top, yummy!!!!!!/Just Asking - seoul62.......