"I am Jeff Opdyke - and I am going to quietly give a couple of hundred bucks to my elderly and fail grandmother. ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION WORLD!!! I said I am going to do this QUIETLY!!!"
Posted on 01/07/2008 6:58:30 AM PST by shrinkermd
My grandmother recently, and reluctantly, asked if I could give her some money.
There's no question my wife, Amy, and I will give her the funds; she raised me and is, by and large, the woman I consider my mom. She has always been kind to Amy. If we have the discretionary cash that can make my grandmother's life happy, shouldn't we hand it over?
Yet the request has caused us a lot of angst.
Part of our concern is where this will lead. Although my grandmother isn't asking for a lot of money -- just a few hundred dollars -- when you open your wallet to family members, the first time is rarely the last. We don't want to get in the position of becoming my grandmother's ATM.
But it's more than that. Amy and I have worked hard to earn this money, and it's frustrating to have somebody want to tap into our account. What's more, my grandmother will no doubt use the money for things that we'd never buy ourselves. We don't want to feel like suckers for funding a lifestyle that we might consider indulgent.
So that leads us to the question we've been grappling with: When providing financial assistance to a family member, is it fair to say the money comes with constraints on how it is spent? Or, is financial assistance an exercise in unconditional love?
(Excerpt) Read more at online.wsj.com ...
I would think you were right- except he complains about supporting her! It is her mother who insists on keeping her in the style she was raised in, and he goes along to keep mama happy. I have no issue with people willingly helping their kids- or giving their kids what ever they want to give them, and I do understand people giving children their inheritance or part of it while living- but I do see a growing trend of parents continuing to pay for expenses for their grown children- it is as if they feel this generation shouldn’t have to pay their dues or start from the bottom and work up to home ownership, etc.
We are helping a grown daughter get through nursing school after her divorce, and I think that is fine- but if any of our children want a nice home, etc. they will have to earn it for themselves or marry someone that can provide what they want. This trend of supporting grown children is just odd to me.
Ummm, if you know anything about Gen X is that it’s been reported more than once that they have better family values than the boomers. I’ve seen the articles posted here because they were talking about how the liberals in power now from the boomer generation - the Gen Xers are more conservative and religious and that they less liberal and self-absorbed than older folks. The boomers were in their heyday (20ish-40ish) in the “ME” generation of the 80s.
So that's how Ron Paul is getting the money.
“Let me say it at the outset: I don’t believe children bear an obligation to their parents as a cost of having been raised by those parents. Bringing a child into the world is a parent’s choice, not the child’s. Thus, the obligations that do exist run from parent to child, not in reverse.”
I had the same reaction as you.
Yep.
I know someone who bought their married daughter a HUGE house.
I know someone else who bought their daughter a large house in which to live ALONE while attending law school.
She could have easily lived in an apartment or condo.
The house was easily 2500 sf. and was also a historically preserved home, therefore was even more expensive.
LOL!
They probably spend a ton on fried catfish and okra though.
This is why I simply pay my Grandmother's bills rather than sending money. Any extra money she gets is gravy and can do with as she pleases.
My $$ is on another family member borrowing from her!
I’ve seen it happen TOO MANY TIMES!
My nephew has been doing this to my parents recently, giving them a sob story about being unable to afford food, then going out to eat every meal.
Pisses me off.
"I am Jeff Opdyke - and I am going to quietly give a couple of hundred bucks to my elderly and fail grandmother. ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION WORLD!!! I said I am going to do this QUIETLY!!!"
Or.... Feral.
BUMP
Suggestion: if she owns a home, how about reverse mortgage? This might be the answer she’ll need for future income and help her out...
Bingo :)
I guess I didn’t make my point clearly in my quickly-written original post, which was in response to the poster who considered Gen X/Y to be “pathological.” My attempted (but I guess badly made) point was that, to me, the pig vomit who wrote the WSJ article read much more like a typical boomer justifying his own greed than a Gen Xer, and that if there is indeed a pathology in Gen X/Y, it is because some members of those generations have inherited the way of thinking espoused by a too-large percentage of Boomers. I do agree that by and large, X has better values than the Boomers (I think this comes from the fact that a substantial number of Gen Xers being offspring of Depession and WW II Babies - if you buy the original definition of Gen X, which didn’t include those born in the early 80s). BUT I teach Gen Y college students, and let me tell you, too many of them appear to be miniature carbon copies of their self-centered and self-satisfied mid-to-late boomer parents.
Most of us know which family members live responsibly (by and large). Some of my family members I would lend money without strings attached because I know they will pay me back. Some I lend money to because I know they are destitute and the cost of living has now surpassed income with no immediate remedy.
My mother in-law is such a person. We will no doubt be directly assisting her on her living expenses in the next few years.
This conversation about supporting aging family members is going to come up a lot in the next few years with the boomers retiring en masse. Since the government will not be able to afford all the promised entitlements, it is going to fall back on you and I to assist in health care and living accomadations.
My generation is more selfish then prior generations. While I do believe we will do what is right and necessary, I believe some resentment will come. Boomers had advantages we no longer have in establishing long-term careers/income and much less competition in the free market. Each aging individual in America made their own choices.
So I would be inclined to help the mother in law who gave up her own life to pay the bills for her two girls and eek out a living in food care but I wouldn’t help my uncle and aunt who had years of disposable income and wasted it on home remodeling, expensive furniture etc. Now they can’t pay for health care. In my dream world, I would love to be famously rich and provide for the entire family but I may only be able to help the most destitute aging family members in the real world.
Does/will he have any descendents or will he and Amy expect your, my, and Jose’s kids to pick up the tab for his own future elder and medical care? Methinks someone this selfish must not have kids or he wouldn’t see family obligations unilaterally from parents to children but not the reverse. True, some don’t deserve it, but he never says granny was abusive or a drunk or gambler.
I agree with the author on this point, but I think he stops short in his analysis.
You can't fairly expect someone to be obligated in return for something they never asked for, and something that they were otherwise owed. So a child shouldn't be obligated to support their parents simply because their parents fulfilled a duty in providing for the child. There are several other good reasons to help support your parents, but paying off a general "debt" owed due to being raised by your parents is not one of them.
But the obligation of a parent to a child is rather less than what many of us experience. A parent is simply obligated to provide you with food, clothing, a safe place to sleep, some access to education and medical care, a basic level of hygiene, and love and attention. In other words, a parent could meet their obligations by proving you with a bowl of beans, second-hand clothes, a bathtub, and a spot on the floor of the log cabin every day.
I believe an obligation from child to parent can be created whenever the parents go above and beyond just meeting their child's basic needs. No child is "entitled" to nice Christmas gifts, a new instrument so they can play in the band, a car when they turn 16, expensive clothes so they can fit in at school, or a college education to give them a good start in life. If a child asks for these things, or even willingly accepts them, I believe this can create a moral obligation to their parents. This isn't a general "debt" to their parents, but a "specific" debt due to all the specific generous acts of the parents done for the benefit of the child.
Since most people (including, presumably, the author) have enjoyed these gifts, they do have some obligation to help their parents. What those obligations are vary from case to case.
"I brought you into this world, so you owe me!"--NO
"I sacrificed and tried to do everything I could to make you happy, so can you please help me out in this time of need?"--YES
What is your position on wealthy parents who support their children in college, but with strings attached to the money?
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.