Posted on 12/24/2007 7:19:21 AM PST by vietvet67
For those that don't know much about history... Here is a condensed version...
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1. Liberals 2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.
That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men or wussies. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth; the elephant.
Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
A few modern liberals like Mexican light beer (with lime added), but most prefer a chilled glass of Sauvignon Blanc,with passion fruit and kiwi aromas which are marked by grassy notes, then rounded out on the midpalate by peach flavors. Crisp and refreshing, with a hint of chalky minerality on the finish; or Perrier bottled water. They eat raw fish but dislike beef. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, Ivy League professors, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated-hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink Sam Adams, Harpoon IPA or Yuengling Lager. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, con struction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively.
Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.
Hey, I happen to like the designated hitter rule. Maybe you enjoy the end of a great rally because the pitcher is coming up and will either flail girlishly at a few pitches or just watch them go by with the ump calls him out. I’d rather see some offense.
Tooo funny.....I love it !
Sierra Vista ping to you!
(To others: Sierra Vista is a large Arizona town not far from the border of Mexico. The mall where this lady works was a small collection of stores, at best. Nice place.]
My only "beef" is with Sushi.
There are liberal connoisseurs of sushi eating. They eat a few of this or that at a sushi bar and spend mucho dollero.
Then, there are conservative sushi eaters. They make large quantities of sushi on their own and eat to excess, and for cheap.
They produce copious amounts of hot air and manure.
Sounds about right! LOL!
And it doesn't hurt that it serves to lower the inhibitions of his more delicate of the species so as to fulfill His directive to be fruitful and multiply.
Of course this means that conservatives are having sex with the descendents of liberal men. No thank YOU.
Hey, I happen to like the designated hitter rule.There's nothing wrong with playing a game using the designated hitter rule, per se. Just don't confuse it with Baseball.
bump
“Liberals produce little or nothing.”
They produce copious amounts of hot air and manure.
Oh... they cause global warming too, right?
Yes. The one false note in this piece. The IS a difference between girls and girlie men.
I like the DH too. Why should I want to watch somebody who can’t hit? But why stop with the pitcher? Sometimes key defensive personnel like shortstops and catchers can barely hit their weight. I say, let a real slugger bat for them, too. In fact, why not provide a substitute offensive player for every fielder who doesn’t hit .300 - no make that .322 - and have either power or blazing speed. Or better yet, two entirely separate squads, one for fielding and one for hitting. Now THAT would be baseball.
Merry Christmas.
“The(re)IS a difference between girls and girlie men.”
Yes. I like girls.
I will take exception with Conservatives drinking Sam Adams though. Since Jim Koch sponsored that “HILARIOUS” Opie and Anthony contest that resulted in two buffoons having sex in St. Patrick’s Cathedral on a Holy Day of Obligation no less, I wouldn’t pour Sam Adams over my head if I were on fire.
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/opieanthony1.html
Rot in hell Jim Koch.
A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off.
LOL,, sent this to my brother the liberal. (loving family)
or to get the beer to the man.
real pitchers/men bat, even if they suck at it. if they want to serve 95 mph fastballs high and tight, it’ll make them think twice if they too must step in the batters box.
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