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© 2001-2007. All rights reserved Attachment and Adult Relationships:How the Attachment Bond Shapes Adult Relationships
Have you ever been in love? We all have, at least once. The attachment bond is the term for our first interactive love relationship—the one we had with our primary caregivers, our mothers. The mother–child attachment bond shapes infants brains, profoundly influencing our self-esteem, our expectations of others, and our ability to attract and maintain successfulrelationships. So, the success, or failure, of our first love—the attachment bond—has a life-long effect. This article explores the scientific basis of attachment theory and its lessons for healthy adult love relationships.
QX COMMENTARY: CERTAINLY Mothers are super critical in terms of attachment. However, as a growing body of research has been showing the last decade or so, Fathers play a very critical role as well. Sadly, in our society, that role seems to be largely abdicated—absent, ineffectual, neutered, inept, destructive. Fathers are just not available and when they are they do not know how or do not manage to bond with the child in healthily affectionate; deeply emotionally connected and affirming ways. And, it is FATHERS who are most and evidently best models for responsibility, resilience, courage, standing tall, OVERCOMING, self-confidence, identity, competence and confidence in work tasks . . . and the like. . . . back to this article:
In This Article:
Attachment, bonding and relationshipsYou were born preprogrammed to bond with one very significant person—your primary caregiver, probably your mother. Like all infants, you were a bundle of emotions—intensely experiencing fear, anger, sadness, and joy. The emotional attachment that grew between you and your caregiver was the first interactive relationship of your life, and it depended upon nonverbal communication. The bonding you experienced determined how you would relate to other people throughout your life, because it established the foundation for all verbal and nonverbal communication in your future relationships. [Qx emph] Individuals who experience confusing, frightening, or broken emotional communications during their infancy often grow into adults who have difficulty understanding their own emotions and the feelings of others. This limits their ability to build or maintain successful relationships. [Qx emph. Sociopaths cannot empathize at all] Attachment—the relationship between infants and their primary caregivers—is responsible for:
Scientific study of the brain—and the role attachment plays in shaping it—has given us a new basis for understanding why vast numbers of people have great difficulty communicating with the most important individuals in their work and love lives. [Qx E] Once, we could only use guesswork to try and determine why important relationships never evolved, developed chronic problems, or fell apart. Now, thanks to new insights into brain development, we can understand what it takes to help build and nurture productive and meaningful relationships at home and at work.
What is the attachment bond?The mother–child bond is the primary force in infant development, according to the attachment bond theory pioneered by English psychiatrist John Bowlby and American psychologist Mary Ainsworth. The theory has gained strength through worldwide scientific studies and the use of brain imaging technology. The attachment bond theory states that the relationship between infants and primary caretakers is responsible for: [Qx E below] Research reveals the infant/adult interactions that result in a successful, secure attachment, where both people are aware of the other’s feelings and emotions. Studies also reveal troubled, or insecure attachment, in which the communication of feelings fails. Researchers found that successful [QE] adult relationships depend on the ability to: The same research also found that an insecure attachment may be caused by abuse, but it is just as likely to be caused by isolation or loneliness. [QE] These discoveries offer a new glimpse into successful love relationships, providing the keys to identifying and repairing a love relationship that is on the rocks. The attachment bond shapes an infant’s brainFor better or worse, the infant brain is profoundly influenced [QE] by the attachment bond—a baby’s first love relationship. When the primary caretaker can manage personal stress, calm the infant, communicate through emotion, share joy, and forgive easily, the young child’s nervous system [qe] becomes “securely attached.” The strong foundation of a secure attachment bond enables the child to be self-confident, trusting, hopeful, and comfortable in the face of conflict. As an adult, he or she will be flexible, creative, hopeful, and optimistic. [qe] Our secure attachment bond shapes our abilities to:
Attachment bonds are as unique as we are. Primary caretakers don’t have to be perfect. They do not have to always be in tune with their infants’ emotions, but it helps if they are emotionally available a majority of the time. [qe] Insecure attachment affects adult relationshipsInsecurity can be a significant problem in our lives, and it takes root when an infant’s attachment bond fails to provide the child with sufficient structure, recognition, understanding, safety, and mutual accord.[qe] These insecurities may lead us to:
Varying parental styles and types of attachment bonds are found throughout any population, culture, ethnic, or socio-economic group. Causes of insecure attachmentMajor causes of insecure attachments include: The lessons of attachment help us heal adult relationshipsThe powerful, life-altering lessons we learn from our attachment bond—our first love relationship—continue to teach us as adults. The gut-level knowledge we gained then guides us in improving our adult relationships and making them secure. Lesson No. 1—adult relationships depend for their success on nonverbal forms of communication. Newborn infants cannot talk, reason or plan, yet they are equipped to make sure their needs are met. Infants don’t know what they need, they feel what they need, and communicate accordingly. When an infant communicates with a caretaker who understands and meets their physical and emotional needs, something wonderful occurs. Relationships in which the parties are tuned in to each other’s emotions are called attuned relationships, and attuned relationships teach us that: When we can recognize knee-jerk memories, expectations, attitudes, assumptions and behaviors as problems resulting from insecure attachment bonds, we can end their influence on our adult relationships. That recognition allows us to reconstruct the healthy nonverbal communication skills that produce an attuned attachment and successful relationships. Related Links: Relationship Help Series
Part 1: Learning the Key Skills of Emotional Intelligence
Part 2: Quick Course in Raising Emotional Intelligence
Part 3: Research Linking Attachment to Brain Development and Relationships
Related Links for Attachment TheoryAdult Attachment Theory and Research – University of Illinois Attachment theory – Wikipedia
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