Actual comments within resumes or cover letters:
“I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don’t let them know of
my immediate availability.”
“Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can
act on short notice. I’m a class act and do not come cheap.”
“I intentionally omitted my salary history. I’ve made money and lost
money. I’ve been rich and I’ve been poor. I prefer being rich.”
“Note: Please don’t misconstrue my 14 jobs as ‘job-hopping’. I have never
quit a job.”
“Personal: I’m married with 9 children. I don’t require prescription drugs.”
“Number of dependents: 40.”
“Marital Status: Often. Children: Various.”
“Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.”
REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
“Responsibility makes me nervous.”
“They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning.
Couldn’t work under those conditions.”
“Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.”
“I was working for my mum until she decided to move.”
“The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers.”
JOB RESPONSIBILITIES:
“While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly
disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the
experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately
lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as
the major sphere of responsibility.”
“I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.”
SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES:
“Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.”
“My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in
meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.”
“I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant.”
PHYSICAL DISABILITIES:
“Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.”
PERSONAL INTERESTS:
“Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.”
SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING:
“Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.”
“Work Experience: Dealing with customers’ conflicts that arouse.”
“Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fidget.”
“I’m a rabid typist.”
“Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation
“Your requirements match the responsibilites of my present job
precisely, so I will be glad to do do again.”
I am always surprised that so many people don't think before they write.
“The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers.”
I've heard this one before... I love these. Thanks.