Posted on 03/08/2007 7:04:09 AM PST by meg88
When Andrew Giuliani fired his very public shot at his father's third wife, revealing that there was a "little problem" between them, Judith Nathan wasn't the only woman who felt the impact. Hundreds of thousands of stepmothers recoiled as the 21-year-old golf fanatic took aim with the expert precision of a Masters champion.
At a time when increasing numbers of marriages in America end in divorce and "blended family" has become the politically correct term for fractured households, Giuliani Jr.'s outburst resounded nationwide.
Nathan, who took a hit for the team, has maintained a dignified silence. But her fellow easy targets are up in arms.
"This kind of attitude and behavior has to stop," says Manhattan psychotherapist Rachelle Katz, a second wife who runs a self-help Web site, Steps for Stepmother, and has written a guide, "The Smart Stepmother."
"The stepmom nearly always gets blamed.
"Ever since Cinderella and Snow White and Hansel and Gretel, she has been cast in the role of villain - the wicked witch.
"Even as adults, children are traumatized by divorce, and the easiest person to blame is the new person in their father's lives.
"It's a disturbing trend because more and more marriages break up, people re-marry and children from past relationships live under the same roof. It's very unfair."
Heather, a 56-year-old media analyst from Queens, knows all about the injustice of being a second wife.
Her stepdaughter resented her so much, she banned her from her wedding even though Heather had been with her father for 10 years.
"She threw a fit and said: 'Don't you dare show up!,' " recalls Heather. "It was very upsetting and nearly tore my husband and I apart.
"It is an incredibly complex situation. There is so much bitterness, and children can be incredibly selfish."
Thankfully, over time, Heather was able to get to know her stepdaughter, and wounds began to heal.
But many stepmothers aren't so fortunate, especially if the distance is not only emotional but geographical.
"The most common complaint is: 'They don't know me well enough to hate me as much as they do,' " observes New York author Jane Isay, whose relationships book "Walking on Eggshells" will be published on March 22.
"Stepchildren in their 20s and 30s are often more difficult than younger kids, because they see themselves as adults who are able to make these judgments, even though their loyalties are strained."
Kim, 48, despaired when her oldest stepchild, Anna, now 27, refused to speak to her.
"She lived in our home for a few months and was just horrible," says the self-employed businesswoman. "We would go to church, and when I sat next to her, she would literally turn her back on me."
Anna wouldn't allow Kim to attend her graduation ceremony and seemed to gloat when her father made the three-day trip alone.
One term being bandied around therapists' offices and even courtrooms these days is "parental alienation syndrome," or PAS.
"This happens when the biological mother or father does everything they can to turn their child against the new husband or wife," explains Anna. "Judges are looking into it a lot more during custody cases."
Both Isay and Katz have encountered mothers who have "groomed" their children, encouraging them to dislike the new family member.
Others take advantage of torn loyalties and act insulted if the children spend time with their father and the "other" woman.
"Many children see it as a betrayal if they get along with their stepmother," says Katz. "I don't like the term 'blended families,' because it sets up an expectation which is rarely fulfilled."
By the same token, stepmoms who believe their domestic situation will be more Brady Bunch than the Borgias are seriously deluded.
"The worst thing a stepmother can do is to try and act like the mother," says Isay. "Young adults don't need two mothers.
"I met a woman in her 20s who visited her father and stepmother in New York and had a wonderful time - until the wife referred to her as 'her daughter.' "
There are no quick-fix solutions,and, frustratingly for the stepmother, the best fence-mender is time.
"Meanwhile, you have to make sure that you don't sacrifice your own happiness," says Katz. "You need to set clear boundaries."
As for the father who feels like monkey in the middle, his only option is to side with his wife.
"When my husband went to his daughter's wedding without me, I was shattered," confesses Heather. "I told him he may as well stay with his old family and not come back."
The relationship survived after he said he would never leave her out of family gatherings again, but it was a close call.
"The guy will be pulled in different directions," says Isay. "But you need him fighting in your corner."
At least Rudy Giuliani has taken his rightful place next to Judith.
"My wife is a loving and caring mother and stepmother," he announced. "She's done everything she can."
Andrew may want her to turn back the clock and never to have met his father. But even the wickedest stepmother can't pull off a trick like that.
Originally published on March 8, 2007
Shocking. Children upset when Dad tosses Mom out for a younger model.
What the heck is this all about? Anything to do with Rudy's dumping his wife for another woman at a press conference? Real family guy there.
This is truly laughable. No child wants to see his mother destroyed by his father's cheating. Luckily for Rudy, he didn't have any children by his marriage to his cousin. He would have had other "strained relation" with even more children.
The step-mother is always disliked in cases like these, because they were the one the father cheated with.
"My wife is a loving and caring mother and stepmother," he announced. "She's done everything she can."
Oh the poor harlot. She knew she was splitting up this kid's family.
And how many of these whining women broke up the original marriage by being the "other woman"? That IS unforgiveable.
Divorce suks.
Lesson #1: Don't disrespect a guy's mom. Ever.
If they are allowed to be.
Both step-moms and step-dads have a hard time if the parent doesn't put his/her foot down and tell the little brat to grow up.
That's an idea....
Seriously. What a biased, load of BS article. The children are always wrong. What BS. Maybe men and women should think more about the repercussions of divorce and should stop doing the stupid things that lead to divorce - or if they can't help it, don't get married and have kids in the first place. The children have the right attitude here. Don't accept divorce as a natural event.
Rudy and his 3rd wife are a non-issue for me. I dislike his politics, definitely, but I don't give a hoot about his current marriage.
Stepdads are the target as well. I have seen this in my own family.
No divorce is EXPENSIVE! For me it was either Divorce my EX or kill her. I choose the more expensive option with no jail time.
*************
I agree.
Glad you have the answer. I never knew it was so easy!
< /s>
Just because their is a step mom does not mean there was a divorce. The father could be a widower. It's not by any means the majority of cases, but a step parent does not mean a "broken home".
The other side of the story also needs to be told...that of the first wife.
Interesting: many of the responses on this thread indicate that the poster assumes a stepmother must necessarily be the cause of a divorce and that the angry child is in the right. Why do you all seem to assume this? Many times there are divorces for reasons that have nothing to do with a man's infidelity, and only afterward does Wife No. 2 come along.
I'm a woman and I am not a stepmother, but I find it interesting that everybody assumes the husband and stepmom are in the wrong in these cases.
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