Spiraling Out of Control(shoot down helicopter parents)

WP ^ | 03/04/07 | Susan Coll

[TigerLikesRooster]

Spiraling Out of Control

By Susan Coll Sunday, March 4, 2007; Page B01

A recent e-mail from Amazon.com made my heart start racing. My order had been shipped, it said, and "Living Abroad in Costa Rica" would arrive any day. I had never heard of this book. Had someone hacked into my computer? I thought of identity theft, credit card fraud -- and then of my 17-year-old son, who was deep into high school senioritis. He confessed to placing the order, defensively reminding me that I allow him to buy books with impunity as part of a mostly unsuccessful campaign to encourage him to read. He didn't seem to get that my concern had shifted from the $12.74 on my credit card to his college plans for next fall.

After shepherding three kids through demanding schools, countless extracurricular activities and then the Byzantine college admissions process, I feel like I could use a gap year in Costa Rica myself. While the impulse to engage in a world with more urgent concerns than front-loading résumés and fine-tuning test scores is one that in theory I applaud. The irony here, however, is that my mellow, guitar-strumming kid has remained miraculously impervious to the pressure that surrounds him. He's the first to point out that his last years of high school, and the stressful endgame of applying to college, have taken a toll not on him, but on me.

I consider myself a relaxed -- and by way of comparison, even something of a slacker -- parent.

[TigerLikesRooster]

There is one solution to this problem. Shoot down helicopter parents. Most of them are liberals (or "fiscally conservative and socially liberal") anyway.

[tranzorZ]

What is a helicopter parent?

[TADSLOS]

What is a helicopter parent?

I'm guessing one that hovers over their kids.

[TigerLikesRooster]

I'm guessing one that hovers over their kids at all times.

Additionally, they usually cry louder than their kid when their kid fails to enter "a prestigious college."

[tranzorZ]

Oh good gravey, you're right. Getting in to a decent four year college isn't that hard and there is nothing wrong with not being accepted in to some private school.

[who_would_fardels_bear]

"For better or worse, I'm mostly finished hovering, and my kids now drive themselves."

So you only gives up being a helicopter parent after her kids can drive themselves.

What a tool!

[who_would_fardels_bear]

you should be she

[Bigg Red]

Shoot down helicopter parents.

&&
Good idea!
(Very happily retired teacher here.)

And the sad thing is that they hover when it comes to their kids' grades and college prospects, but they are AWOL on forming the characters of their offspring.

[Old Student]

"And the sad thing is that they hover when it comes to their kids' grades and college prospects, but they are AWOL on forming the characters of their offspring."

Bullseye!

(said as a first-year teacher...)

[Bigg Red]

(said as a first-year teacher...)

&&
My condolences. Honestly, I hate to sound so cynical. There was a time that I really enjoyed teaching, but, over the course of my career, children changed so much. Of course, it was because parents changed so much.

That said, I wish you the best. If you are blessed with students who have been properly raised your experience can be wonderful. I hope it is so.

P.S.: If you need any advice feel free to ask.

[Old Student]

"That said, I wish you the best. If you are blessed with students who have been properly raised your experience can be wonderful. I hope it is so.


Actually, I'm trying to expiate my karmic burden ahead of time. Back in the day, I was one of THOSE students. My 5th grade teacher quit because of me, and I drove several others to drink, drugs, or despair. These days, I'm in a 100% free/reduced-price lunch school, and a lot of the kids are ESL as well.

On the positive side, I'm not one of the idealistic young teachers; I'll be 52 in a couple of months, and I've been around the block a bit even in the school system. I did nearly 5 years as an In-School-Restriction teacher (actually, teacher's assistant, but I didn't have a specific teacher to assist). I've also been talking to teachers here and in person for several years, as well. Glad to add you to the list, though. Thanks!

I intend to retire from teaching the day after they pry the chalk from my cold dead fingers...and to afflict the odd kid or so along the way, and help the ones who can profit from a little help. I will consider this payforward for the teachers who did NOT quit or descend into despair because me. Late, and far short of what they deserve, of course, but best I can do.

I'd suggest that you think about some of the ones you've had in the past, that made you feel good about being a teacher. If you got to even one, you haven't wasted your time, and if you've been doing it long enough, I bet there a lot more than one!

[Bigg Red]

Yes, I think I did reach a few kids over the years, but, as I said, students have changed so much. So many of them are narcissistic and lacking in intellectual curiosity. Again, products of faulty upbringing by lazy, self-absorbed parents.

I was just astounded in my later years by the number of students that I encountered who thought that that they should get credit just for being in the seat and that they should never fail a test or a quiz as long as they "tried", especially since their definition of trying was showing up and putting pen to paper. The truly frightening aspect in all of this was that so many parents enabled this sort of behavior.

The most frustrating part of it all was having weak administrators who would not back me up. I am a person who truly despises being involved in conflicts, and I am very big on positive reinforcement and profuse praise when it it earned, but I was willing to stare down a student and hold him accountable when he cheated or did not do an assignment because I felt that it was part of my job to help build the kid's character. On more than one occasion, I was made to look like I just enjoyed "picking on" students. Basically, administrators wanted me to look the other way so that they would not have to deal with the whining of the kid or the parents. I truly felt morally compromised.

[Eepsy]

"Helicopter parent" is the label parents get stuck when they try to point out that, just maybe, the reason Johnny can't read, write legibly or do math is that the school can't teach.

[Old Student]

"'Helicopter parent' is the label parents get stuck when they try to point out that, just maybe, the reason Johnny can't read, write legibly or do math is that the school can't teach."

It's also the phrase that teachers use for parents that don't care if their kids do their homework, or study for tests, or behave well while in the classroom. Among other things. I've only been teaching for about 9 months, and I've already lost count of the number of times I've heard a kid say "I can't do this. It's too hard!" Things like multiplying 3x4. Adding 1/3 + 1/2. You know, the sort of thing that takes a rocket scientist. Kids don't learn to say that at school, mostly. I know MY kids sure didn't.

[helicopterparent101]

If the teacher instead of labeling the child that they can’t do “simple things” like add instead does their job and teaches these children who do and cry out for help that they can’t do their addition than there would NOT be a need for US parents to Make SURE you ARE DOING YOUR JOB. It is most disturbing that teachers label both children and parents this is the most abusive form of power that leads to emotional disturbances in children of this day and age which result in behavior such as sucide.

[helicopterparent101]

As a teacher instead of labeling and contributing to abusive emotional behavior by making such conclusions as these children are “narcissistic” and “lacking in intellectual curiosity” why don’t you get some additional education in behavior skills so that you do not contribute to the growing trend of teachers who are contributing to “low self esteem” in children. It is most unbecoming of a government representative to stereotype children's upbringing as the the “problem.” Perhaps, a look in a mirror is needed. Words like “shoot DOWN” helicopter parents are exact tags that deserve dismissal from our education process. Very disturbing that you educate our children.

[HereInTheHeartland]

” Most of them are liberals (or “fiscally conservative and socially liberal”) anyway.”

I would say that’s a very big assumption.
What is wrong with a parent keeping a mentoring role for the kids if needed?
I would say that a parent is much better source of wisdom for a college freshman than the gauntlet of communist, dope smoking, atheist university staff.
That’s assuming the parents and kids have a mature, intelligent relationship with each other.
Most parents of college freshman are professional people. They are interacting with many people on a daily basis in the business world. And most of these parents have been through the university system, some getting advanced degrees fairly recently; so the parents know the ropes.
I hear articles like this and wonder if people really think them through.

[TigerLikesRooster]

Well, many of them are becoming control freaks whether they are aware or not. These people rebelled against their parents when they are growing up, but now they want to control life of their kids even after they have grown up.

Neglecting kids is terrible, but hovering over kids and micromanaging life of their kids also has grave consequences. If the former is not watering a plant, the latter is pouring a bucket-full of water day after day. Either way, the plant dies.