Do not be alarmed; Miami isn't so weird

Miami Herald ^ | January 28, 2007 | DAVE BARRY

[ConservativeStatement]

Welcome to Miami, Super Bowl visitors! You are going to have a wonderful time, from the moment you arrive in our magical city, until the moment you discover that your wallet is missing.

I'm kidding! You'll be fine, probably! Because the truth is that Miami is a terrific place, despite the criticisms you may have heard from ignorant yokel blowhards who shall remain nameless, such as U.S. Rep. Tom Tancredo.

[Kimberly GG]

"And Joe's Stone Crab is worth the wait, the crab legs are the best I've ever had and I live in New England."

Thanks for the recommendation...must I order in Spanish there too?

[Sam Cree]

I lean libertarian, but you are right that the Party is a joke. It does harm to its ideals, which is a shame.

[Polybius]

"And Joe's Stone Crab is worth the wait, the crab legs are the best I've ever had and I live in New England."

Thanks for the recommendation...must I order in Spanish there too?

No, in Miami Beach you must order in Yiddish. ;-)

Joseph Weiss, the founder of Joe's Stone Crab, was a Hungarian immigrant and Joe's Stone Crab was the first Jewish business on Miami Beach.

Joseph Weiss-the "Joe" of Joe's Stone Crab-came to Miami in 1913, when his doctors told him that the only help for his asthma would be a change of climate. Joe and his wife, Jennie, both Hungarian-born, were living in New York,

[ConservativeStatement]

I went to college in Opa Locka but don't tell anyone. :-)

[Beagle8U]

"I lean libertarian, but you are right that the Party is a joke. It does harm to its ideals, which is a shame."

Their platform is like cooking a nice meal, then puking it before serving it.

Some things just don't go together well.

[Polybius]

"Idaho is an awful place, full of white supremacists and toothless gun totin' cowboys!"

Miami is full of bugs!

When I was growing up in Miami, a cockroach ate my German Shepherd before I could stun the cockroach with my baseball bat. :-(

[wku man]

In Tampa, folks literally have cockroach problems in their cars. I'm not talking cars with two years worth of Taco Bell bags piled in the back seat, either. The only cockroach I've seen since coming to Idaho was one that crawled out of a box I had packed books in to move. My 12-gauge took care of him, though.

Scouts Out! Cavalry Ho!

[Sam Cree]

There are a lot of cockroaches here. But Charlestow, S.C. has us beat, where after dark there are herds of them walking up and down the sidewalks, right with the people.

[CharlesWayneCT]

You missed the funniest one:

Gosh, it seems that Denver has NEVER, not one single time in over four decades, been selected to host the Super Bowl. I'm sure there's a good reason for this, such as that the Denver area has too few hotel rooms, or too many xenophobic dimwits representing it in Congress.

[Paulus Invictus]

Didn't visit any of those gringo buildings, but only the downtown streets and many stores and cafes. Fantastico! Pura Cuba!

[Paulus Invictus]

Wranglers? That confirms it! ID is an oddity for sure. As for SLC, I avoid the place like the plague. The air pollution is now close to fatal and the traffic is too often a sure attractor for ambulances and hearses. Utahns wear Wranglers only in the rural areas, like Ogden. As for the libs--keep them as far from the West as possible, but they already infest the west coast, so how do we keep them away from our selected paradises? Guns maybe?

[Polybius]

Didn't visit any of those gringo buildings, but only the downtown streets and many stores and cafes. Fantastico! Pura Cuba!

Are you sure they were Cuban?

The vast majority of Cubans moved out of the downtown area, and even what was called "Little Havana", about two or three decades ago and most will now be found in suburbs of Kendall, Coral Gables and Westchester with SUV's and BMW's in the driveway and with kids or grandkids who can barely understand Spanish.

The other day, one of the networks was doing a promotion of the upcoming Super Bowl in Miami and was talking about "Little Havana" and "Cubans" while showing a guy with a baseball cap with a Venezuelan flag on it.

Pick out the Cuban guy on the cover of this album.

[wku man]

However it's done, it should be done with extreme violence! I suggest checkpoints on all roads leading in, where the occupants are scanned for their "conservability". If libs are discovered, they are automatically fitted with explosive collars, as in The Running Man. If they try to slip back into Idaho (or Utah, Montana, Wyoming, etc.) the electromagnetic "fence" surrounding the state would cause the collars to detonate, thus ridding the world of one more Left Coast lib.

Any Left Coast conservative asking for political asylum, and able to prove persecution, will be welcomed with open arms, given a new Idaho wardrobe (Wranglers, flannel shirts, and hiking boots!), a hunting rifle, and a one year complete season "Sportsman's Package" hunting and fishing permit, so they can catch up on the finer parts of life they've been missing in Kali, etc. They would also receive a generous trade in value on their hybrids and Mini-Coopers, provided they bought big, beefy pickups.

Just some ideas, anyway!

Scouts Out! Cavalry Ho!