Indy has nothing we'd want (Chicago Sportswriter Disses Indiana & Colts Big Time)

Chicago Sun-Times ^ | January 28, 2007 | GREG COUCH Sun-Times Columnist

[Chi-townChief]

It has become one of the great American sports traditions, the political bet. A major game gets people all worked up and happy at the same time, not worrying about snow removal, potholes or taxes. And that makes it safe for a governor or mayor to get in on it. So rival politicians bet something that screams out the identity of their hometowns. Two weeks ago the Bears beat the Seattle Seahawks, and Mayor Daley took Seattle Mayor Greg Nickles for beer, coffee and salmon. (Too bad that when the stuff arrived, the beer bottles had broken and drenched the coffee-flavored chocolates.) Last week the Bears beat the New Orleans Saints, and Mayor Daley won beignets.

But with the Bears about to play the Indianapolis Colts in the Super Bowl, we have a problem:

What could Indiana possibly have to bet that we would want?

I mean, Chicago can offer Indiana pizza, ribs, beef sandwiches and dental work. But do we really need ballcaps with farm company names on them?

Rumor has it Indianapolis Gov. Mitch Daniels wants to offer up Gary.

I don't often admit this, but I have some friends in Indiana. I called them to ask what they could bet.

''How about corn?''

We have corn.

''Soy?''

Another Indiana friend said they love their pork-tenderloin sandwiches, and that did sound good.

''Pork tenderloin and a carton of cigarettes,'' he said.

Someone else suggested tickets to the Indy 500, but there are two problems with that: One, they just drive around in circles all day. Two, we have to go to Indiana to see it.

Indiana has a serious image problem in Chicago. To us, it seems like a big truck stop between cities.

A few years ago, my brother-in-law started dating a woman from Fort Wayne. Before meeting her, I had to keep reminding myself to talk slowly and not stare at her tooth.

Channeling Royko Indiana has Notre Dame, but that always seemed like a Chicago school filled with Chicago kids. They had a great movie, ''Hoosiers.'' But the story of Illinois' tiny Hebron was just as good. Their greatest sports hero is a guy who wore red sweaters, threw chairs across a basketball court and choked his own players. Eventually, they kicked him out.

''Eli Lilly is based in Indianapolis,'' a friend said.

Yes, but why would we need Prozac if the Bears win?

''They also make Cialis.''

Here's a thought: If the Bears win, then Indiana gives back Eric Gordon. He's the high school basketball phenom from Indianapolis who had committed to the Illini until new Indiana coach Kelvin Sampson got him to change his mind.

I do have a thing against Indiana. It is ingrained in all Chicagoans. And then confirmed through experience.

For Chicagoans, these feelings came to a head in 1982 with Mike Royko's columns in the Sun-Times. And part of the fun was watching Indiana people get so uppity about it.

''For most males in Indiana, a real good time consists of putting on bib overalls and a cap bearing the name of a farm equipment company and sauntering to a gas station to sit around and gossip about how Elmer couldn't get his pickup truck started that morning,'' he wrote.

And this: ''Its only large cities are Indianapolis and Gary, which give you the choice of dying of boredom or of multiple gunshot wounds.''

God, he would have loved this Bears-Colts week.

One time in Indianapolis, I went to grab some dinner just after 10 p.m., and everything was closed. I ended up having to go to a White Castle, where I stood in line for 20 minutes behind a hooker and a pimp. I wrote about that once, and several people from Indiana asked why I wanted to eat that late in the first place.

Once after a basketball game, I went to a nearby bar in downtown Indianapolis. The place was packed with everyone having fun, and they were playing retro music from the 1970s. It was a nice community thing, how everyone had bought into the whole theme and dressed in 1970s clothes and hair.

Turned out, that wasn't a theme.

Do they know what a Hoosier is? These people excitedly call themselves Hoosiers, without knowing what it means. There all sorts of theories. In the old days, Indiana people were so rough that they always would fight in bars. By the end of the night, someone would see a piece of something on the floor and ask, ''Whose ear?'' Eventually, that morphed into Hoosier.

But on indiana.edu, Jeffrey Graf of the reference department of the Indiana University Libraries says that Southerners used to use the term Hoosier ''to denote a rustic, a bumpkin, a countryman, a roughneck, a hick or an awkward, uncouth or unskilled fellow.''

He described the ''cousins'' of the word Hoosier to be ''cracker'' and ''redneck.''

So here's the deal: If the Colts win, Indiana promises to keep its stuff.

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[dfwgator]

Funny thing is, their QB is a Hoosier.

No, he's a Gator (yes, I know he's from Indiana). And Peyton has never won a game against an opposing Gator QB.

[L,TOWM]

He really screwed up with this column.

In 1984, Mike Royko wrote off San Diego as a pack of "quiche eaters" and predicted that the Cubs would crush the Padres and go to the series.

Did'nt quite work out that way.

Indy by 10.

[Paige]

No way.... I am an outsider looking in and I've lived near ChiCAgo for over a year now and see the disgusting filth of the city. I see the poverty and the local government embracing poverty and welfare in order to get the support of the ignorant and down trodden. In fact, I find the people of ChiCAgo shameful to embrace such policies. How can a people consider themselves so sophisticated but embrace a welfare system they believe sets them above others? How ignominious and embarrassing to see people embrace such ideas that keep people under the thumb of government and keeps people from excelling.

[Chi-townChief]

We always preferred the Baltimore Ratbirds.

[Teacher317]

Hey, c'mon, haven't the Florida Gators had enough good sports news this year?

(I'm really looking forward to seeing Tebow as the featured QB next year too, dagnabbit.)

[Sir Hailstone]

And they are a corrupt bunch too.

[StockAyatollah]

OK, well I was just trying to help. I've got some other suggestions:

• Indianapolis Overalls
• Indianapolis Hayseeds
• Indianapolis Indianapolocks
• Indianapolls Aardvarks (makes as much sense as Colts)

[dforest]

That was nice.

[hosepipe]

Funny article but betting against Indy is a bad bet..

[David L Walker straightheart]

and why is that,it only took the colts all these years just to beat new England they always choke in the big games everyone knows that and yep I'm from Indiana,but yep I'm a bears fan

[hosepipe]

[ and why is that,it only took the colts all these years just to beat new England they always choke in the big games everyone knows that and yep I'm from Indiana,but yep I'm a bears fan ]

Could be Manning gets uppity at the end of a season..
This is his last chance for a ring.. most likely..

[Tenacious 1]

(For you Colts fans--that's the last TEN elections)

-Nice. Thanks for that. We stupid, gun toting, tractor driving, hayseed, wife beating, redneck, right wing nutcases appreciate a good ribbing.

Now let me ask you. Where would you rather be stranded with a flat tire in the middle of the night, downtown Chicago or downtown Indy?

[Tenacious 1]

[I live in Indy, and I agree with this guy. My feelings are not as harsh as his, but there really is nothing here. There's no cultural centers, every place downtown is closed early, it's a ghost town after 9 pm. There is no feeling of "life" and energy!

People are different all over, and I intend to leave as soon as I can. Not with feelings of animus toward Indy, but mostly confusion as to why it is the way it is.

The sad part is, as "we" are building our new stadium (with some tax money) trying to change that image, it will not help. People aren't going to want the SuperBowl here no matter what. Our image is of corn and tractors, and now we can throw in a "Lucas Oil" (lovely name) stadium to boot!]

While I find the bantering fun, I must comment on your infantile assessment (Since you are from Indiana). I suspect you are a younger Hoosier. And I suspect that you are not from the Indianapolis area. I could be wrong.

I was born and raised in Indy. I spent 10 years living all over the country. I have lived in; San Francisco, Austin, Baltimore and Falls Church, VA. I can honestly say, I didn't realize what a great city and state this was until I spent time away from it. We moved back here about two years ago. Indianapolis is the best kept secret in the nation, as far as I am concerned. It has all the big city amenities with a small town feel. It is the 12 largest city in the nation (depending on how they measure). Traffic? Only lifetime locals complain about rush hour traffic as they don't know any better.

I encourage you to go out and live in other parts of the country. After you have been around a bit, I would like to hear back from you. We moved back here to raise our kids.

My wife grew up just outside of Chicago. She loves Indy. She admits Chicago is a "fun" city, but would never live there.

[Tenacious 1]

LOL!

I am getting gitty about how many posters here think Indy is a SMALL TOWN. It is what I love best about it. It does have that feel. The people are nice. The city is clean. The cost of living is reasonable. There isn't gridlock traffic. But it is one of the 15 largest cities in the nation.

SSSHHHHHHHHHH! Don't tell anyone.

[Tenacious 1]

[Indy apparently lacks the character to rename the team to something related to their city. I might suggest "Indianapolis Glasses of Milk".]

I wonder where your from. You guys have seriously got to get over that. Your starting to sound like democrats reliving the 2000 elections.

[Tenacious 1]

[If you're into auto racing, it's unbeatable.

Indy 500

Formula 1

Nascar

US National Drags

coming soon: Grand Prix motorcycles

plus a plethora of short track activity all over the region

and a huge number of racing teams, equipment manufacturers, suppliers, etc.]

If you really like racing, the best is found at any one of a number of little dirt tracks on a cool Saturday night. You can stand in the pits and talk to the drivers and teams. This is fun. And every now and then, you'll bump into Tony Stewart milling around innocently.

[rabidralph]

Yeah, I went downtown once and was surprised at the lack of traffic. I grew up in the DC area, so I know traffic. And I had a very pleasant time just exploring the area without being hurried or jostled. I love small towns.

[auto power]

Precisely....we have enough of THOSE people here already.

[Tenacious 1]

[I love small towns.]

I lived south of San Francisco for about 3 1/2 years. I was always amazed when life long Californians commented on my being from the "East Coast". I am not kidding. It happened on no less than 4 occasions. Like I said, Indy is the best kept secret.

[wordsofearnest]

What do Billy Graham and da bears have in common?


Both can make 70,000 stand up and shout "Jesus Christ".


No disrespect to our Lord & Savior.