Born to Serve, Not to Shop — Effective Parenting in a Nutshell

CERC ^ | JAMES STENSON

[Coleus]

The real evil of materialism is not the pursuit of things. It is, rather, seeing and treating other people as things — and therefore putting things ahead of people.

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Youngsters with a habit of thinking and acting this way are headed toward trouble later in life: substance abuse, professional problems, marital break-up, a life dominated by impulse and unrestrained egoism. So what can parents do with their young children now to build strong character and lead children away from materialism?

1. Be confident of your rightful authority as a parent and insist that your children respect it. Your responsibility as a parent is enormous, and you must exercise a self-confident loving authority to carry it out. Your children's confidence in your leadership will derive from your own self-confident sense of mission.
   
2. Remember that you're raising adults, not children. When you think of your children's future, picture character as well as career. Your job is not to keep children amused and busy. It is, rather, to lead your children to become competent, responsible, considerate, and generous men and women who are committed to live by principles of integrity. Think of what your children will be, not just what they will do.
   
3. Teach the great character strengths (virtues): prudence, justice, fortitude, temperance, and charity. In today's terms, these are called sound judgment and conscience, a sense of responsibility, courageous perseverance, self-mastery, and respect for the rights and sensibilities of others. You teach these strengths in three ways: by your personal example, your direction of your children's behavior, and your verbal explanations of right and wrong. But you teach mostly by example. Remember that conscience is the memory of our parents' voices, their loving lessons of right and wrong taught to us in our youth.
   
4. Teach your children the four great pillars of civilized dealings with others: "please," "thank you," "I'm sorry," and "I give my word." Using these habitually in speech is a basis for respecting the rights of others.
   

5. Forming your children's character and conscience is your #1 priority. If you make a sacrificial effort now, while your children are still young, you can later enjoy the honor they bring you as confident, responsible, considerate men and women — who strive to pass on your values to their own children.

   Teach your children the meaning of the word "integrity." Integrity means unity of intention, word, and action — that is, we mean what we say, we say what we mean, and we keep our word. We always tell the truth and we keep our promises.
   
6. Realize that "no" is also a loving word, and your children must hear it from time to time in order to acquire self-control. Children who never experience loving parental denial cannot form the concept of self-denial — and this can later lead to disaster.
   
7. Make your children wait for something they want, and if possible make them earn it. Waiting and earning are part of responsible adult life, which is what you are after. Let the children learn the difference between wants and needs. Let them see that "everybody else has one" and "everybody else is doing it" are, at best, lame reasons for any course of action. Sound judgment and conscience are guides for life, and these should never give way to thoughtless conformity.
   
8. Raise your children to be producers, not consumers. Let them put their powers up against problems to solve them, and thus grow into healthy self-confidence. Lead them to take schoolwork and home chores seriously so they will learn the meaning of responsible service. We humans are born to serve, not to shop. Children do not grow up when they can take care of themselves; they really grow up when they can take care of others — and want to.
   
9. Practice "affectionate assertiveness" in disciplining your children. Correct the fault, not the person; hate the sin, love the sinner. Show your children you love them too much to let them grow up with their faults uncorrected.
   
10. Keep the electronic media under your discerning control. Permit nothing in your home that undermines your lessons of right and wrong and treats other people as mere things. This means no pornography, no gratuitous violence, no glamorous portrayals of insolence and disrespect for others. Teach discernment in use of the media: to accept what is good, reject what is wrong, and know the difference.
    
11. Listen to your children. That's listen, not obey. When you keep the media under your control, you will have much more time to dialogue with your children. Learn what is going on in their developing minds and guide them with your responsible judgment. Live as a responsible adult who's on top of life, and let them learn what this means.
    
12. Never forget: You have one chance — and only one — to raise your children right. Forming your children's character and conscience is your #1 priority. If you make a sacrificial effort now, while your children are still young, you can later enjoy the honor they bring you as confident, responsible, considerate men and women — who strive to pass on your values to their own children.

[SamuraiScot]

Stenson the Great!

[A_perfect_lady]

Keep the electronic media under your discerning control. Permit nothing in your home that undermines your lessons of right and wrong and treats other people as mere things. This means no pornography, no gratuitous violence, no glamorous portrayals of insolence and disrespect for others. Teach discernment in use of the media: to accept what is good, reject what is wrong, and know the difference.

That's a big one. If I had kids I swear I wouldn't have a TV in the house. Oh wait... I already don't have a TV in the house! LOL! I'd keep the computer in a lock box too.

[SuziQ]

Bump for later reading.

[Rakkasan1]

I guess this means shooting people for a Playstation isn't right?

[metmom]

ping

[Luke Skyfreeper]

I guess. Sounds like the "Complete Collection of Ludacris" as a Christmas gift next year might be out as well.

[little jeremiah]

Thanks for the ping - I'll ping it out on the MA list tomorrow. I just took a nap so I could have the energy to brush my teeth (there are a few left, really!) and go to bed.

[NoControllingLegalAuthority]

Young parents want (big) brand new houses and every possible convenience. All that materialism forces both young parents to be out working. The kids get the message loud and clear. They can see what is most important in their parent's lives. It's hard to teach your children much when you are not around.

[durasell]

13. Swamp your child in cliches and trite platitudes, because a stitch in time save nine and a penny saved is a penny earned in a world where only the strong survive by eating a hearty breakfast that is part of a healthy diet.

[joeystoy]

Just curious. Is this the same Durasell that packed up in the dead of night and left NYC leaving a pile of unpaid bills a few years back?

[durasell]

Nope. I never left NYC. And I pay my bills.

[dawn53]

Let the children learn the difference between wants and needs.

I had no idea what to get our son for Christmas. I asked him if he wanted a new gaming system (we have the original xbox, but I know newer versions have come out since we got ours.)

He's 18, lives at home, but is a junior at the state university in our town. Last term he took 18 hours, this term 15. Studies, plus church activities keep him pretty busy.

He told me he'd love the new gaming system, but it would be a waste of money because he didn't have the time to play it...I was glad he was learning what it means to be a "grown-up" and deny yourself something you may want, but you don't really need.

[tutstar]

bump

[dakine]

"I had no idea what to get our son for Christmas."

I gave my son $$$ and a round-trip ticket to Vegas, told him to have fun...

[TheSpottedOwl]

Excellent article! I bookmarked it, and when I get another printer, I'm going to send it to my daughter :)

[little jeremiah]

Gotta ping this out later today.

[absolootezer0]

Young parents want (big) brand new houses and every possible convenience. All that materialism forces both young parents to be out working. The kids get the message loud and clear. They can see what is most important in their parent's lives. It's hard to teach your children much when you are not around.

not all of us. :)
i'm a young parent, who has given up, or cut back on a number of hobbies and convieniences so that my wife can be home with the children.

[secret garden]

BTTT