Posted on 12/18/2006 5:26:26 AM PST by shrinkermd
...I'm 18, and for most of my life, I haven't known half my origins...
...That part came from my father. The only thing was, I had never met him, never heard any stories about him, never seen a picture of him. I didn't know his name. My mother never talked about him -- because she didn't have a clue who he was.
When she was 32, my mother -- single, and worried that she might never marry and have a family -- allowed a doctor wearing rubber gloves to inject a syringe of sperm from an unknown man into her uterus so that she could have a baby. I am the result: a donor-conceived child....
...I was angry at the idea that where donor conception is concerned, everyone focuses on the "parents" -- the adults who can make choices about their own lives. The recipient gets sympathy for wanting to have a child. The donor gets a guarantee of anonymity and absolution from any responsibility for the offspring of his "donation." As long as these adults are happy, then donor conception is a success, right?
Not so. The children born of these transactions are people, too. Those of us in the first documented generation of donor babies -- conceived in the late 1980s and early '90s, when sperm banks became more common and donor insemination began to flourish.. I'm here to tell you that emotionally, many of us are not keeping up. We didn't ask to be born into this situation, with its limitations and confusion. It's hypocritical of parents and medical professionals to assume that biological roots won't matter to the "products" of the cryobanks' service, when the longing for a biological relationship is what brings customers to the banks in the first place.
(Excerpt) Read more at washingtonpost.com ...
I agree with your second paragraph. I do not get why there are some cruel people here at FR telling her to get over her whining. I just read this as relating a story and why this is not such a good thing.
As to your first paragraph, there was one couple like that who did use a sperm donor to have a deaf baby. I know it is hard to understand, but for many deaf people, they do not see themselves as broken. I have a personal interest in this. I think they were selfish and should have raised the many deaf orphans that are out there first. By the way are you sure you heard them interviewed... on the radio?? :)
Yes, I am sure, because the entire program was about "def culture."
Yes, I am familiar with Deaf culture. I have a 14 year old who is deaf, wears an implant, and attends a deaf school. I am one person who does understand where those women are coming from...but I don't agree with the manner in which they chose to do it.
Her pity party is falling on my deaf ears but let me explain my "contempt" Your (bad) choice of words.
I grew up without a father - thankfully pregnant Mom did not choose to abort my younger brother when my Dad her husband died, even though she was offered the opportunity.
May God forgive me if I ever bash before the entire world, in writing, the woman who raised us, my mother who brought us into this life, as "selfish" for bringing us into this life.
Now I have adopted two kids who will never know their a "biological" fathers and maybe not their birth mothers either.....and they are grieving that.
But- Will I encourage a life long self-pity party if they go around like this woman, broadcasting their identity as a
pitiable being because their birth mothers and fathers made a "selfish" decision to create them and not raise them?
No. My advice to them will be as I posted.
At some point.....Suck it up and Get real.
Today someone found out they have a brain tumor or breast cancer or that their child has leukemia. Today someone was hit by a drunk driver or their child or husband or wife was, and life will never be normal again. Today someone found out their mother is dead or dying. These people are pitiable. This chick wants a Daddy- so do we all. But look around and figure out who in the world has everything they want?
Most pitiable people are not writing journalistic hit pieces about how selfish were their parents.
This woman dumped a load of crap on her mother for all the world to read via the Washington Post- she must have inherited a bit of that "selfish" gene. Merry Christmas Mom. What time is dinner?
... they do not see themselves as broken.
$$$$$
I understand their perspective, and while it is laudable, it should not translate into deliberately setting out to produce a deaf child. If two people with any kind of genetic problem marry, and are willing to love and support the children that result from their marriage, I am totally supportive of their choice. But to deliberately try to design a deaf child, to me, is no different from designing a blind or palsied child. Why manufacture a person with a known problem? Especially when other women use the same kind of situation (reasonable certainty of a defect) as a reason to abort a child.
I am with you, boo-freakin-hoo. This is just a different version of "I didn't ask to be born!" non-sense you can get from many 18 year olds. I mean, what does the kid want? If his mother hadn't had the procedure he wouldn't exist. If he wants to not exist, then he has a solution available...
My Father Was an Anonymous Sperm Donor - Alternative title to "Brave New World"
The girls is 18. No sign yet of a life-long pity party.
She did not use the word "selfish" to describe her mother: some FR posters did that. She has acknowledged her mother's love and sacrifice, and has searched out, found, and been reconciled with her father. All that, and college, too: that's a lot for work for one so young.
Some babies are born with only one foot: we love them, and with a positive spirit and God's grace they'll do well: but it would be wrong to say, "Oh, that's nothing" or, worse, to deliberately and by design create a one-footed child.
Some babies are born with only one parent: we love them, and with a positive spirit and God's grace they'll do well: but it would be wrong to say, "Oh, that's nothing" or, worse, to deliberately and by design create a one-parent child.
Yes, except that parents of deaf children who are deaf themselves do not see themselves as broken. They just don't. All the deaf adults I am personally aquainted with are hardworking and gainfully employed. I know many, many deaf people. And the ones here on FR are great people who speak several languages.
I see my kid's deafness as part of her, but it is not ALL that defines her.
Oddly enough, the movie X MEN III really opened my eyes to this. And I am no comic fan.
I grew up without a father - thankfully pregnant Mom did not choose to abort my younger brother when my Dad her husband died, even though she was offered the opportunity.
#####
Have you ever talked with your brother about his feelings of not knowing his father, face to face? Is he a tiny bit jealous of you because you actually knew the man - his voice, his smell, his lap, etc.? Your mother did a loving and brave thing and you must know how hard it has been for her. So why would any woman willingly do the same thing, on purpose, except for purely selfish reasons.
Your mother was carrying the child of your father, your brother knows who his father is.
Katrina is discussing the woman who actually conceived a baby knowing that she was Never going to have a father.
I do have a question about this --
"...She sacrificed so much as a single mother, living on food stamps, trying to make ends meet. "
The mother purposely had a child without the apparent means to support it?
It's a shame the girl's father wasn't in her life and an equal shame that her mother was.
of course, i totally agree with this.
My daughters "identity" comes from her God and family.
whats going on with her ears means nothing.
Just wait until the poor innocent children born to two self-absorbed mommies or two daddies has to deal with this. That ought to be good for a buncha psychologists getting rich off of the therapy of the mixed-up kids.
I found her spirit triumphant and her attitude mature and quite reassuring in that an individual is more than their circumstances or defects.
Someone snidely indicated she is planning to write a book. If she is, good for her.
Yep, it is, but I'm sure neither the clinic, which wants the money, or the Mom, who wants the baby, never even gave a second thought to what the baby might think, when grown.
Yes, this young lady has life, but she's been denied, by a woman who was only thinking of HERSELF, something that's important for all young women growing up; a healthy relationship with a father, which will guide her in relationships with men as she matures.
Almost prophetic, I'd say.
Besides, family trees are about the past, I prefer to live my life in the present and the future.
"I'm here to tell you that emotionally, many of us are not keeping up. We didn't ask to be born into this situation, with its limitations and confusion. It's hypocritical of parents and medical professionals to assume that biological roots won't matter to the "products" of the cryobanks' service, when the longing for a biological relationship is what brings customers to the banks in the first place.
We offspring are recognizing the right that was stripped from us at birth -- the right to know who both our parents are.
And we're ready to reclaim it"
None of us asked to be born, and very few are born into perfect situations.
Whining.
Waiting for the WaPo to run the same article from the kid who had a sperm donor for a dad but in the absentee father category.
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