Posted on 11/26/2006 10:21:45 AM PST by wagglebee
The night Clare Gibbons lost her virginity was unforgettable. Not because it was special or romantic or even exciting - but precisely because it was anything but.
At the tender age of 14, she and a friend went to an older boy's house for the evening. Both girls agreed to camp in the garden overnight with the 19-year-old and his friend.
'We all thought it would be fun,' she recalls. Then the drinking began and before she knew it, Clare was lying beneath the canvas having sex with a man she barely knew. It was a sickening experience which will be etched on her memory for ever.
'I can remember what happened,' says Clare, now a 17-year-old media studies student. 'But I was in such a tipsy daze I was powerless to stop it. The next morning, I could barely look at him. I felt absolutely sick, and so used and dirty.'
Tabatha Payne suffered a depressingly similar experience. She was 15 when she met her 'first proper boyfriend' - a 20-year-old man. 'I felt the grown-up thing to do would be to have sex,' she says. 'He kept telling me he loved me and everyone was doing it. It was a spur of the moment thing at his house. But it wasn't a good experience, certainly not the intimate and pleasurable experience I'd imagined sex would be. It was just a bit painful and disappointing.'
Stories such as these might send shivers down the spine of any parent with a teenage daughter. But the experiences of girls such as Clare and Tabatha are becoming increasingly common - so much so that this week a top police officer argued that men who have sex with girls aged 13 to 15 should not necessarily be classed as paedophiles.
Terry Grange, chief constable of Dyfed-Powys Police, said: 'I think the closer they get to 16, the more it becomes a "grey area" and I think everyone in the field of dealing with sexual health and sexual activity acknowledges that.'
Grey area or not, the statistics seem to bear out in black and white the alarming trend for girls having sex at a younger age. A survey last week revealed that a third of females are having sex before the legal age of consent - double the figure for boys in this country.
Alarmingly, in a country where the alcoholic consumption of 14-year-old girls outstrips boys, one in ten said they had sex because they were drunk, and a similar number said they felt pres-surised to lose their virginity.
Only half of the 1,700 girls surveyed by YouGov said they lost their virginity because they were in love. At the same time, levels of sexually transmitted diseases are soaring among the young.
In the past decade, levels of chlamydia, which can cause infertility, have risen by 238 per cent among women. Girls aged 15 and under were responsible for 1,000 of 90,000 new cases last year. And yet despite spending millions of pounds on sex education and free contraceptives, experts say the Government is failing to tackle the spiralling problem of under-age sex - and the highest teenage pregnancy rate in Europe.
All in all, such statistics paint a bleak picture of a generation of girls who have grown up too soon in a culture of increased sexualisation of children.
In the past, under-age sex among girls was often regarded as a class issue. But the stories of intelligent, educated girls such as Clare and Tabatha are a stark reminder of an experience which is becoming alarmingly common among the nation's middle-class daughters.
Clare, whose father is a telecoms manager and whose mother is a housewife, was raised in middle-class respectability in Orpington, Kent, and is studying for A-levels. And yet she found herself swept up in Britain's hard-drinking, sex-obsessed 'ladette' culture.
After her first sexual experience, she confided in her older sister, 19-year-old Louise, who took her to the family GP to get the morning-after pill.
'I was terrified and felt ill taking it,' says Clare. 'After a few more days, I couldn't hide what had happened any more from my parents. I couldn't stop crying and they kept asking what was wrong.
'They were very shocked - as I knew they would be. To them, I was still their little girl. But, thankfully, they were sympathetic and didn't shout at me.'
Despite regretting her mistake, a few months after turning 15, Clare met another boy her age and again felt pressured enough to have sex with him.
'Although I felt I shouldn't do it again, we did,' she says. 'After a few more weeks our relationship broke up. I so much regret not waiting until I was older.
'For me, the main problem was peer pressure from friends who all said they were sleeping with their boyfriends. The other catalyst was drink. I think the main reason young girls have sex is because they are drunk.'
Tabatha, now 18, who runs a clothing and jewellery business with her mother in the West Midlands, bitterly regrets her first sexual encounter three years ago.
'I look back and think I grew up far too quickly,' she says. 'In my early teens I was reading magazines and longing to get older. It seemed that everywhere I looked, from the TV to adverts for condoms in magazines, being sexy and having sex was the "in thing" to do.
She adds: 'Friends at school said they'd done it. When we talked, it seemed as if they were all having sexual relationships. The trouble is that girls do mature faster than boys. Some 15-year-old boys may not even be capable of having sex, whereas by that age, girls are young women.
'When you look at those horrible tarty Bratz dolls that little girls play with, it's no surprise that girls grow up too fast. You see girls going to parties complete with make-up and short skirts. They're like mini-women rather than children.'
Parenting expert Penny Palmano, the mother of daughters aged 18 and 20, is convinced that bad role models are to blame for young girls giving away their virginity so cheaply.
'It's so confusing for girls today,' she says. 'They are constantly bombarded by messages from television and celebrity magazines that everyone is having sex. Then you have the totally sexualised music videos - especially on teen-oriented channels like MTV.
'It's vital that parents deal with these issues and discuss them with their children so they can have the confidence to respect themselves and make sensible choices.'
A-level student Claire Guest, the 16-year-old daughter of a solicitor's receptionist and a business manager, from Romford, Essex, agrees.
'Everywhere you look these days there is sex,' she says. 'And it isn't just in obvious ways either. You can watch a music video on TV and see people in bed together or kissing and dancing sexily.
'Many people have a MySpace internet account where young girls wear sexy clothes and boys say how attractive they are. And every film has a sexual element. You grow up believing every relationship with a boy should include sex.'
Claire was 15 when she first slept with her boyfriend Adam, then aged 17. 'We did it in the bedroom at his house one day when I went round,' she says.
'At the time I was happy about it. We had been going out for about six months and we continued to go out together for another year. We always practised safe sex. I don't regret it as Adam was lovely and it was special for me.
'But I think for most of my friends who had under-age sex, it was a bad thing. I would estimate that 70 per cent of them had had sex by the time they were 16, but most of their experiences were just flings with older boys. Then they just felt used and upset.'
Perhaps most worrying of all, listening to these young girls' stories makes it clear that such experiences are not easily left behind. Once a young girl has experimented with sex, it seems that the door on childhood is closed for ever.
Helen Diamond, a 17-year-old A-level student, lost her virginity when she was 15 to a 19-year-old man she had been dating for six months. 'Afterwards, I felt overwhelmed by what I'd done,' she says. 'I suddenly thought: "God, I'm only 15." I would rather be able to say I lost my virginity at 16 which sounds so much older - and, of course, it's legal then.'
But the legacy of having sex prematurely can be far more damaging than merely the feeling of bitter regret. Frankie, a 17-year-old pupil at a private girls' school in North London, became pregnant three years ago at the age of 14 after losing her virginity to a 15-year-old boy.
'I'd got really drunk at a party,' she explains. 'We'd known each other as friends for a long time and I fancied him but we weren't going out together. I wished I hadn't done it straight away, but put it to the back of my mind.'
Eight weeks later, while on holiday with her parents, Frankie started feeling sick. Initially doctors dismissed it as a stomach bug, but later her mother took her to another doctor who told Frankie she was three months' pregnant. 'I rang and told the boy but he said he didn't believe me. I could tell it was just his word against mine,' she says.
'My parents were so shocked,' Frankie adds. 'They just couldn't comprehend what had happened. I'd had all the sex education and I came from a loving middle-class family. I think they blamed themselves. But it wasn't their fault. It was just something that could happen to any girl.'
The decision to have a termination was one which traumatised Frankie. 'I couldn't help but think my baby was a real person and it was terribly, terribly upsetting,' she says.
'My parents didn't put pressure on me, but I could tell they wanted me to have a termination, and the more I thought about it, the more I realised they were right.
'I couldn't support a baby. I was far too young. I always planned to go to a good university. Everything I, and my parents, have worked for - coaching me through exams to get into my school and paying for education - would have been pointless.'
Frankie went ahead with the termination and returned to school, but there is no doubt that what happened has permanently scarred her.
She says: 'It's been a while now, but the whole experience has changed me. I feel I've grown up too much and seen a bit of life I would rather I hadn't seen.
'For a while I felt depressed. I hated seeing all the adverts and sexy things on TV. I almost felt conned. Real life isn't like that at all. I regret what I did and wish it had never happened. It's like having a horrible secret.'
Rebecca Findlay, spokesperson for FPA, formerly the Family Planning Association, says: 'Young women face a lot of pressure to behave and look in a certain way from television, the internet and magazines.
'Sex is everywhere and it's used as a marketing tool. Young women think they should be having sex because they see it all around them.
They need to be able to understand that they can decide when it's right for them.
'A key problem is that there is no compulsory sex education in our schools.
'We need to give young women and men the tools to navigate their way through a highly sexually-charged society.'
Teachers' daughter Rosie Franklin, a 15-year-old pupil from Shrewsbury, is a member of the UK Youth Parliament, a group which represents youngsters aged 11 to 18 and campaigns for better sex education in schools.
Rosie believes she has remained a virgin partly because she can openly talk to her parents about sex. She also believes growing up in a happy, loving household has given her a natural confidence.
She says: 'Some girls have low self-esteem and I think this may encourage them to have sex at a younger age because it makes them feel wanted. It's a shame because boys typically don't respect girls who are easily available.
Rosie is convinced the quality of her school's sex education has helped both herself and her peers make informed choices.
'As well as teaching us about sex and contraception, our lessons cover subjects like one-night stands and why you shouldn't have sex at a party just because you've had a few drinks.'
'But this quality of education is not the same for every school. In the UK, sex education is not standardised. It's so different from school to school.'
It is clear that whatever the factors which determine who caves in to pressure to have sex and who doesn't, young girls in Britain today feel defined by their sexuality more than ever before. Perhaps it is filling an emotional gap left empty by increasingly problematic family relationships. Or perhaps the effects of an increasingly sexualised culture are finally taking their toll.
In the end, as these girls' stories show, it is impossible to blot out the memory of such experiences. It is the regret that is so tragic.
Three years after the night she lost her virginity in a tent, Clare Gibbons still agonises over why she felt compelled to do something that clearly wasn't right for her.
'I would do anything to turn the clock back and not to have had that experience,' she says. 'At 14, I thought I knew it all. Now I realise just how wrong I was.'
THat will depend on your definition of poverty. I think You will find that what old people consider poverty and what young people consider poverty are two completely different ideas.
I personally would consider anyone a failure that works for tips. I don't care how much money they make.
And there are lots of unemployed/underemployed people out there with multiple college degrees.
Oh, what a tangled web....
I recall (whether it's still in effect I'm unsure) but in Minneapolis they have/had a law called the 9 second rule.
If one has been reported to be looking at a person for 9 seconds or more it was considered gawking and punishable with a misdemeanor....
The media conveyed it as "i.e. construction workers girl watching and offending them".
It kinda' put's a new light on the old tune "I'm a girl watcher" ; )
And many High School drop outs who are legitimate millionaires.
This isn't a new problem, though it is a chronic one that ebbs and flows. One thing I noticed is conspicuously absent: how many of these girls are being raised in single-mom households -- in other words, without a dad living at home and thereby involved in her day-to-day life?
Among many culprits for promiscuity, can lack of dads be one? Without a dad around, a little girl is less likely to enjoy a comfortably affectionate relationship with him, the main man in her life. She gets older, has no experience, is already insecure with regard to male affection.
I'll bet that a pretty high percentage of these girls have pretty unstable daughter-father relationships.
The really sad part is that half the time or more, it isn't that dad dropped the family, it's that mom dropped the dad and is getting enough of a portion of his income to reduce him to poverty. He must work twice as hard to be a "good dad" if only because he has to do it by remote -- he's not a resident dad, most of the time by order of the resident mom. The truth is that women instigate the vast majority of divorces.
Yet in our society, dads get all the blame and single moms are saluted. Promiscuity, gangs, and teen suicides are some of the fruits of enabling a single-mom society. I know lots of people can't handle acknowleding it, but it's true nontheless.
I'm going to get flamed I know. Oh well.
"And there are lots of unemployed/underemployed people out there with multiple college degrees."
Oh yeah. I have a friend with a masters in psychology. Last I heard he was working at Pik-A-Lock.
Some legitimate, and some are porn video kings and queens. LOL.
Local vendors of digital watches enjoyed a big increase of sales....
Typical liberal reasoning.
They create a problem and then demand financial help to stifle it.
For the record, I'm on your side. I don't know when it happened, but somewhere along the line, father's became optional! My husband always knew that he was the first man our daughter ever loved. And she knew she wanted someone like him.
Three weeks ago, she married a man who is very like her father. And he was smart enough to understand that was a good thing.
Congratulations! God bless the happy couple!
There is a basic principal of sex that the young ones don't understand.
Sex is for making babies. conttraception fails.
Another principal...
The more sex you have with various partners, the more likely you will get sick.
They don't promote these principals in hip/hop/rap videos, and unfortunately it seems that is where many kids are getting their values from.
HEARTLAND LYRICS
I Loved Her First
Look at the two of you dancing that way
Lost in the moment and each other's face
So much in love you're alone in this place
Like there's nobody else in the world
I was enough for her not long ago
I was her number one she told me so
And she still means the world to me just so you know
So be careful when you hold my girl
Time changes everything life must go on
And I'm not gonna stand in your way
I loved her first
I held her first
And a place in my heart
Will always be hers
From the first breath she breathed
When she first smiled at me
I knew the love of a father runs deep
And I prayed that she'd find you someday
But it's still hard to give her away
I loved her first
How could that beautiful woman with you
Be the same freckle faced kid that I knew
The one that I read all those fairy tales to
And tucked into bed all those nights
And I knew the first time I saw her with you
It was only a matter of time
I loved her first
I held her first
And a place in my heart
Will always be hers
From the first breath she breathed
When she first smiled at me
I knew the love of a father runs deep
And I prayed that she'd find you someday
But it's still hard to give her away
I loved her first
From the first breath she breathed
When she first smiled at me
I knew the love of a father runs deep
Someday you might know what I'm going through
When a miracle smiles up at you
I loved her first
Not only is abstinence not taught in schools, the rate of illegitimate births in the US is up to 37%, so there may not be good examples at home. Add to that the cultural atmosphere of all sex, all the time and you're a weirdo if you're not fornicating.
I am not cheerful about this.
My husband and I raised our boys with, if they made a baby, they would be expected to give their child a name and get a job and take care of their family.
"tell they wanted me to have a termination..."
Translation - her parents wanted to kill their grandchild.
I think the article actually has it right: peer pressure. Read up on peer influence (which includes media) and see what I mean. Peer-influenced kids will ignore their parents and other responsible adults in favor of their friends.
The girls who tend to get in these situations are strongly peer-influenced to drink, maybe do drugs, have boyfriends, wear trendy clothes, and they are in well over their heads.
And this is when the girl some times claims that it was rape and has the guy put in jail for umpteen years even though the sex was mutually wanted.
Oh, the memories... Our impeached ex-president Bill Clinton got us the "one free grope rule." At least that's what NOW said the rule was when The Slick One was caught, multiple times, harassing women. One free grab/squeeze/pinch/poke/fondle/stroke/goose then if the woman says no you have to stop.
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