Quibbles with The Gobbler (Dave Barry)

We are approaching the Thanksgiving holiday, when we pause to reflect on our blessings by eating pretty much nonstop for an entire day, then staggering off to bed, still chewing, with wads of stuffing clinging to our hair.

It's a spiritual time, yes, but it can also be a tragic time if an inadequately cooked turkey gives us salmonella poisoning, which occurs when tiny turkey-dwelling salmon get into our blood, swim upstream and spawn in our brains (this is probably what happened to Ross Perot). That's why the American Turkey and Giblet Council recommends that, to insure proper preparation, you cook your turkey in a heated oven for at least two full quarters of the Vikings-Lions game, then give a piece to your dog and observe it closely for symptoms such as vomiting, running for president, etc.

Some day, perhaps, we won't have to take these precautions, not if the U.S. government approves a radical new concept in poultry safety being proposed by a company in Rancho Cucamonga, Calif. I am not making up Rancho Cucamonga: It's a real place whose odd-sounding name, if you look it up in your Spanish-English dictionary, turns out to mean ''Cucamonga Ranch.'' I am also not making up the poultry-safety advance, which was discussed in a lengthy news story by Randyl Drummer in a recent issue of the Inland Valley Daily Bulletin, sent in by many alert readers. Before I quote from this story, I need to issue a:

You should not -- I repeat, not -- read the rest of this column if you are likely to be in any way offended by the term ``turkey rectums.''

The story appears on The Daily Bulletin's business page, under the headline, Pacer Backing New Use for Glue. It begins, I swear, as follows:

``RANCHO CUCAMONGA -- Jim Munn hopes that the government and the poultry industry will get behind his process for gluing chicken and turkey rectums.''

Jim Munn, the story explains, is the president of a company called Pacer Technology, which makes Super Glue. Munn, the story states, believes that meat contamination can be reduced by ''gluing shut the rectal cavities of turkeys and chicken broilers.'' (Needless to say, this would be done after the chickens and turkeys have gone to that Big Barnyard in The Sky; otherwise everybody involved would have to be paid a ridiculous amount of money.)

The story states that ``Munn became intrigued by a poultry rectal glue product after a federal inspector contacted him and said he had used Super Glue on a turkey.''

I frankly find it hard to believe that a federal employee would admit such a thing, after what happened to Bob Packwood, but Jim Munn thought it was a terrific concept. He plans to market the product under the name -- get ready -- ``Rectite.''

I do, too. I am all for gluing turkeys shut; in fact, I think they should be glued shut permanently, because, as a consumer, I do not wish to come into contact with those gross organs, necks, glands, etc. that come packed inside them. There are few scarier experiences in life than having to put your unarmed hand inside the cold, clammy recesses of a darkened turkey and pull those things out, never knowing when one of them will suddenly come to life like the creature in the movie ''Alien,'' leap off your kitchen counter and skitter around snacking on household residents.

So I urge you to telephone your congressperson immediately and state your position on this issue clearly and forcefully, as follows: ''I favor gluing turkey rectums!'' And while you have your congressperson on the line, you might want to point out that The Walt Disney Co. is secretly using cartoon movies to promote sex. Yes. I have here a document from an organization called the American Life League, entitled ''Official Statement on Disney's Perverted Animation.'' The document states that Disney has been putting smut into its cartoon movies, and cites the following examples, which I am still not making up:

--In ''Aladdin,'' 'when Prince Ababwa calls on Princess Jasmine on her balcony, a voice whispers, `Good teenagers, take off your clothes.' '' The document further asserts that in the same movie, Abu the monkey says a bad word.

--In ''The Little Mermaid,'' the officiator in the wedding scene ''is obviously sexually aroused.'' Not only that, but 'the box cover of `The Little Mermaid' contains a phallic symbol in the center of the royal castle.''

--In ''The Lion King,'' when Simba plops down, ''The cloud of dust that he stirs up, to the upper left of his head, forms the letters S-E-X'' (which, if you remove the hyphens, spells ``sex'').

None of this surprises me. I have been suspicious of the Disney people ever since it was first pointed out to me, years ago, that Donald Duck does not wear pants. There is way more of this perversion going on than we are aware of, and it is not limited to Disney. Look at the shape of the Life Savers package! Are we supposed to believe that's coincidence?

No, this kind of thing is everywhere, and today I am calling on you readers, as concerned individuals with a lot of spare time, to look for instances of hidden perversion in commercial products, then report them to me. Working together, we will get to the bottom of this. And then we will glue it shut.

"Rancho Cucamonga, Calif. I am not making up Rancho Cucamonga: It's a real place whose odd-sounding name, if you look it up in your Spanish-English dictionary, turns out to mean ''Cucamonga Ranch.'' "

All aboard, for Anaheim, Azusa, and Cuc - amonga.

On Sunday evening, January 7, 1945, Anaheim’s war news weary residents sat down again to listen to the nation’s favorite radio entertainer, Mr. SundayNight himself, Jack Benny. Heard locally on KFI radio at 4:00 P.M. (for NewYork broadcast at 7:00 P.M. EST) and sponsored by Lucky Strike cigarettes,this night’s broadcast would be like no other before and forever change [the] community of Anaheim. On this show, Jack’s writers conceived three newcharacters and devices that were to remain among the most popular inbroadcasting. We learned about penny-pinching Jack’s underground “vault” with its outlandish protection systems as well as meeting a young Sheldon Leonard playing the gravel-voiced “Race Track Tout.” The third “bit,” intended as a once-used throwaway line, will be long remembered by three Southern California communities.

The story goes like this: the L.A. Union Station conductor (played by Mel Blanc) announces to Jack’s entourage heading to New York: “Train leaving on Track five for Anaheim, Azusa and Cuc----amonga!” While Jack seems oblivious to the recitation of these rhythmic names, the residents of Anaheim are in disbelief. Known as the capital of the Valencia orange empire and the pre-war training grounds of Connie Mack’s Philadelphia Athletics, the name Anaheim was never known as a household word or the subject of national radio comedy. Regardless the three stops were not even on the same Santa Fe Railroad line, the audience response to Mel Blanc’s booming announcement was very positive and this bit was used often during Jack’s radio years and was heard again when Jack came to Television in the early 1950’s.

The national recognition that these three towns were starting to receive (humorous or not) was not lost on their local Chambers of Commerce. Wartime issues were still of top community interest but once hostilities ended, efforts began to “adopt” Jack as each town’s native son. Every plan must have a leader and Anaheim had Mr. Ernest W. Moeller, the Secretary–Manager of the Chamber of Commerce. Moeller, Chet Burke (The Anaheim Gazette Editor), Cornelius Smith from Azusa and Clifton Chappell of unincorporated Cucamonga began a campaign in late 1945 to declare Jack Honorary Mayor of the three communities.

Anaheim at this time was anticipating a post-war boom and the Chamber of Commerce as well as many service clubs were advertising Anaheim as the future business center of the southland. In addition, the Anaheim Kiwanis Club, the sponsor of the Orange County Youth Symphony, was planning their annual Concert for January 1946 and with the help of the Chamber of Commerce, were hoping to have Jack Benny as their guest conductor. Plans began to quickly gel when on Friday January 11, 1946 the representatives from the Chambers of the three communities met and directed Editor Burke on the 13th, to wire Jack Benny a request to accept duties of Honorary Mayor of Anaheim, Azusa and Cucamonga. The telegram also asked that Jack accept the additional post as violin soloist of the Youth Symphony. Jack’s positive response of Monday January 14th was printed in full on the front page of the following Thursday’s Anaheim Gazette.

At last on January 20th, prior to Jack’s regular Sunday program, representatives of the three cities presented Benny, at the NBC Hollywood studios, with his badge of office as the first “triple mayor” in the history of American politics. With it went three oversized wooden “keys to the cities.” Jack’s program that followed was devoted almost entirely to his new honor, as “Honorary Mayor” of the three cities that he helped make famous. It was reported that the laughs by the studio audience were much greater that usual, consuming almost eight minutes of the 30-minute show.

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