Doug Giles: Avoiding the Date from Hell

How does a girl avoid dating or marrying some festering bag of ripe compost like Kevin Federline and his helix-missing ilk? I know Britney Spears is about as sharp as a bag of wet mice; however, even with her low levels of discernment and her Turkish walnut like density, I believe Brit (as well as those below and above her in brilliance) can, with a little guidance, steer relationally clear from any urge to merge with some future K-Fedian bad date.

So . . . how does a girl circumvent the date from hell? It’s pretty simple, ladies. Follow the following principles, and you’ll land you a quality catch. Blow them off, and you’ll attract some Darwinian holdover that’ll drain you emotionally, spiritually, physically and financially more than a hemi-powered robotic milker drains the dairy out of a cow.

Girlfriend, are you ready to leave in the dust some dude who’s not worthy of sharing the air you breathe—much less your time and attention? You are? Well, giddy up. Here’s the master list that will increase your chances of attracting a prince Charming versus drawing some piece of Charmin.

Number One: Get a Life. A lot of ladies date disasters simply because they don’t have squat going on in their own lives and they think that the missing link is regularly French kissing the over-moussed bartender at Chili’s. One way to make certain you do not get wrapped around the axle of the date from hell is to make sure you’re kicking butt in life first—before you try to partner with anyone else.

Before you wade into the dating swamp, make sure you have something going on. Dissuade yourself right now from the debilitating notion that you need a man to be complete. Granted, great guys do add to the mix. That said, it’s incumbent that you first have a life for a good man to add to.

A relationship with Dash Riprock is subservient to the priority that you are focused. Yeah, you need a vision more than you need a tripod. You need something great to live and die for first. You need to hear from God before you fuse to a fellow. If not, you’ll be a gullible Etch-A-Sketch from some scribbling monkey.

Look ladies, if you enter into a relationship rudderless, like a needy parasite, you will be come the slave of whatever host you hitched yourself to. You’ll find yourself doing things . . . changing things . . . believing things . . . compromising things . . . and getting involved in crap you wouldn’t even think of doing just because you neeeeeeeeeeed him.

Girls get freaky when they don’t have much going on in life. They try to over please, which is cool for two to three weeks for most guys, but then it gets a little nerve gratingly old. Yes, the desire to please motivated from need can get whacked. It goes something like this: Girl -“Do you like my hair? The guy pauses because he’s watching a Bud Lite commercial. The co-dependant girl takes his pause as disapproval and spouts, “What—you don’t like my hair? Is it my bangs? It’s my bangs, isn’t it? ‘Cause I’ll cut ‘em. If you want me to, I’ll cut my bangs. I swear to God, I’ll cut ‘em. Don’t leave me! Arggh!”

Honeys, please, please, don’t queue up to any person needing them to make you whole. Holy cow, señorita. Looking to most guys nowadays for fulfillment, as one comedian said, is like looking to Michael Jackson for psychoanalysis. You’ve got to go to the desert. Get focused. You should have (again!) so much going on that if your guy dumps you like a chunk of concrete or if some dude doesn’t like you it shouldn’t cause a major hiccup in your life. Why? Well, you have a nation to save, a dragon to slay, a mountain to conquer, a mission to attend to and it’s that man’s loss, not yours.

Listen, if a guy leaves you, or is not attracted to you, that shouldn’t derail your existence. That shouldn’t throw you into a neurotic never ending introspective trip that leaves you depressed, jonesing on Bridget Jones, developing raccoon eyes from lack of sleep, or singing “I cant live if living is without you” while you gorge yourself on aerosol whipped cream.

Mens Rules

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the hell they're saying anyway.)

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.

1. I'm in shape. ROUND is a shape.

I have a beautiful 23 year old daughter and she is and always has been my joy in life. I talked to her OPENLY from the beginning. At age five she started asking me questions and I gave her honest open answers. As a teen and as a young woman she has been perfectly comfortable coming to me and discussing personal problems and listenint to my opinion. I will not tell her what to do. I tell her what I did in similar situations. Like when she broke up with her high school sweetheart a few years ago. She called me and discussed it with me and I told her about the time I broke up with my high school sweetheart. We had similar issues. The open line of communication/discussion sure works! My sons are pretty comfortable coming to me with personal problems, too. I think the guidline here is GOOD and will help if the girls use it. Also it is a good guide for the parents of young women who are dating age. I think it is an excellent list of suggestions.

Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.