Shamelessly stolen from cgk's Ollie North thread, but I think it applies:
Posted on 10/13/2006 6:48:40 AM PDT by Constitution Day
Surprise! North Korea Is Acting Up Again
by James Lileks
It's a strange, sick world where one dinky nuclear test can knock the Mark Foley scandal off the front page. Is it really big news? North Korea's nuclear capability has been tacitly assumed for a few years, and learning they actually set one off is a bit like hearing Paris Hilton appeared unsteady as she left a club. Still, an actual nuclear explosion does focus the mind, and makes you wonder what comes next. Let history be our guide:
First we had the Clinton talks, in which North Korea promised to be good. They were given some lovely parting gifts, including much-needed heating oil to warm the officer barracks in the death camps. Then came the six-way talks, which were interrupted briefly for three-way talks over two-way radios; then the my-way-or-die-way talks we're now experiencing. Along the way North Korea broke the seals, restarted its Secret Bomb Program, enriched nuclear fuel and fortified it with vitamins, lobbed missiles hither and yon, and behaved exactly like the sociopathic criminal state everyone knows it to be. The West's most forceful reaction was a puppet movie that made fun of Kim Jong Il. As we speak, the U.N. Security Council is studying the feasibility of a sequel; debate hinges on a French demand to call the puppets "marionettes."
Perhaps that's unfair. The U.N., after all, did condemn the test. But did they roundly condemn it, you ask? They did, but it's still not enough. The test should have been met with an old-style expulsion -- say, John Bolton grabbing the North Korean ambassador by the seat of his pants, hurling him into the street and throwing his hat after him. Editorialists would be horrified, of course; such a rude gesture would be uncivilized. Treating the mouthpieces of murderers with the niceties the diplomatic institutions require: That's civilized.
It makes one wonder if civilization will be the death of civilization, after all.
Are the North Koreans afraid of the West's reaction? Shaking in their boots, yes, but with laughter. As their ambassador said: "It will be better for the Security Council of the United Nations to congratulate the DPRK scientists and researchers instead of doing such notorious, useless and rigorous resolutions or whatever."
Nice little Valley Girl-speak there. Sanctions? Boycotts? A 3-D picture of Kofi Annan in which he appears to shake his finger at you when you turn it from side to side? What-EVer.
The options, granted, have been few, but it's still Bush's fault. If only he'd consulted with our allies -- no, wait. He did. If only he'd held one-on-one negotiations! That's the ticket. Give them the respect they crave, find the magic combination of carrots and sticks -- which is what most of that country relies on for supper, after all -- and they wouldn't be acting out. Iran's state-run radio said as much: "Not only did the United States not lift the sanctions it had imposed on North Korea, it even increased the diplomatic pressure. Such pressure finally led North Korea to conduct its nuclear test."
Poor dears, under such beastly stress. You'll be reading that press release again someday, with "Iran" substituted for "North Korea." The radio editorial also suggested that everyone give up their nuclear weapons. Naturally, Iran has no choice but to build their own. Why, Gandhi himself would be splitting atoms in a world like this.
At least we don't have to worry about Iraq buying a nuke. Surely that's a bright spot, no? Others suggest that the low yield of the recent test suggested the North Koreans were testing a suitcase nuke. Saddam might have wanted one of those, even if we had him in a box. There is no shortage of other clients, however. It's not as if you have to cold-call the mountainous regions of Pakistan for six weeks before you get a good lead. Those things sell themselves.
We might try to put Kim Jong Il in a box. But as long as he has nukes and a nice customer base, we're in there with him.
Oct. 11, 2006
I say poke the stick in KJ Mentally Il's eye and the carrot up his you-know-what!
I do think this is the correct thing even though it is satire.
Bush Mulls Bombing N. Korea ‘Back to the Food Age’
by Scott Ott
(2006-10-10) — Even as President George Bush insisted that the U.S. would continue to pursue diplomacy in the North Korean nuclear crisis, he added today that every option is still on the table, including the possibility of “bombing them back to the food age.”
“It breaks my compassionate conservative heart that Kim Jong-Il’s people are starving while he’s blowing millions of dollars on weapons of mass destruction,” said Mr. Bush. “If it weren’t for U.S. and United Nations food aid, he’d have a massive famine on his hands.”
The president suggested that a carefully executed bombing campaign, or a Special Ops military unit, could return the country to “the food age” — a time when the Korean people could feed themselves without assistance.
“Sometimes,” the president said, “it takes guns to make butter.”
Kaching!
Oh man. That is brilliant!
Great stuff! Thanks for the wonderful Lileks ping on a Friday, CD! The first line alone was a HOOT!
el bumpo
No kidding. Glad you liked it!
Shamelessly stolen from cgk's Ollie North thread, but I think it applies:
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